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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  A Light In Room Twelve - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    A Light In Room Twelve - 10/12 OWC  (currently 3354 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Light In Room Twelve by Anonymous Ned - Short - A couple seek refuge in a motel during a hurricane, despite the inn keeper's warnings. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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danbotha
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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I found myself enjoying this one.

You meet all the requirements, except the micro-budget. There are some things that simply can't be done without a fair bit of money, such as the door under the bed, the hand through the carpet and the make-up needed to create a demon.

However, I thought the writing was good and all the other parameters were met.

You have this interesting back-story that you don't spend enough time on, IMO. I'd love to know a little more about what happened with the couple's daughter. I didn't think this was explained enough and it left me feeling a little left out.

Not my favourite, but definitely one of the better ones, so far.

Good job on completing the OWC.

Dan


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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This was actually pretty good. Certainly up there among the batch that I've read. No mistakes that I'm aware of except "BATHROOM" looks odd as an orphan on page 9.

Well done.
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DV44
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting and well written. I agree with Dan in that I wish we could have known more about the couple's daughter. Great job all around and congrats on writing the OWC.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Well, the good news is that this is not bad, but for me, it's not much, either.

The writing here is OK, but there are little issues here and there, some awkward lines, and a bunch of very strange large areas of white, sometimes even in the middle of a page.

I guess most or all of the requirements are met here, but story-wise, it seems like it was either thrown together quickly, or it's actually a much larger piece - or needs to be a much larger piece.

I don't get much character in any of the characters, and that's probably why it doesn't move me in any way.  same with everyone's dialogue - just nothing remotely memorable, and Maggie doesn't speak like a human, as she continually uses Stephen's name in her dialogue and rarely if ever uses any contractions.

I'm probably being picky, cuz this ain't half bad, just feels like a rush job from a good writer who had to throw something together.   Best of this last bunch, but that ain't gonna get you much.  Good job entering, though.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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I sorta got into this. The ending was a bit muddled, perhaps the writer was close to deadline?

Good leadup and everything, but one major question: How do stephen and his wife get into Room 12? Do they break into the motel? That isn't explained at all.

Anyway nice effort

Cheers stevie


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LC
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this right up until about page 8 and then you kinda lost me.

Loved the TwilightZone feel of the couple being unable to get out of the room etc. and furniture bouncing off the window etc.

Unfort. it just got a bit messy after that.

Not perfectly written - there are some awkward dialogue/description passages here but overall still a quite entertaining read. With a revamp this could be great. Def. in my 'best of' list.

Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
How do stephen and his wife get into Room 12? Do they break into the motel? That isn't explained at all.


Stephen stole the key while Boris was ushering his arse out of the lobby.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Stephen stole the key while Boris was ushering his arse out of the lobby.


Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?



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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from stevie


Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?



Pole vault, or maybe a rope ladder falls down, or they have some kind of device on them to get in or out of the mote, like The Little Giant utility super ladder.l.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie


Yes I know that! How do they get back into the motel? Climb up the frigging outside?



Pretty sure whoever wrote this might of been a tad hammied at the time, but I see it says "one story building" in the establishing scene.  

Fantastic job here. Pat yourself on the back, whoever you are. Seemed a bit rushed, but I dug the last line the demon delivered to the priest.

Good job entering the owc.

James


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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This one was serviceable. Like LC, I enjoyed the first eight pages more than the rest. I'll be honest and say that once the fantastical stuff started, I started to lose interest. I wasn't a fan of the way it was being done with the corpse, demon, book of the dead-weirdness that was going on.

Of course, if you wrote it the way I was describing, people would have complained to you (rightly so) that you didn't follow the supernatural rules so it was kind of a catch-22.

Anyway, it was fine overall, but you had a few unanswered questions and some not-so good stuff but it was fine.

C.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Solid writing, nice atmosphere to the whole thing. I think I have an idea of who wrote this...

I think it wrapped up too quickly, but with the page limit and deadline, I don't really blame you.

I was never very clear on the whole Cynthia subplot, but maybe that's just me.

This would work better if it was a few pages longer, IMO.

Great job completing the OWC.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:01am Report to Moderator
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I liked this, for the most part, up until the end.  Then, it stumbled at the finish line, IMO.  Good, suspenseful setup with Stephen stealing the keys.  Then the creep factor gets raised with the old diary.  The stage is set.

But for me, this requirement of the supernatural histories of each character is what's killing a lot of these scripts.  Instead of building tension in the here and now, the writer has to spend a page or so shoehorning these backstories in.  

This script in particular I think would have worked better with a straight Twilight Zone setup of the couple in the motel slowly going out of their minds as they realize they can't get out.  It was hard to care about their dead daughter, because we never met her.  I wanted to keep the focus squarely on them.

The ending with Boris didn't grab me.  And, I'm not sure why he was dressing like a priest in that one scene, only to wind up drinking whiskey when the demon shows up.  I actually thought he was going to try and break the couple out of the room.  

Anyway, good job on nailing most of the parameters of the owc.  But I think you should rewrite this, this time without any restrictions hindering the story.  
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SteveUK
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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A decent effort that would probably benefit from being longer and developing the central characters and the backstory of their daughter more. The build up was good, but it felt a little rushed in the end, most likely due to the page restrictions.

The journal informing them of the terrifying predicament they're in was a nice touch, but it was also was way too expository. I found myself thinking "If she was trapped in this f*cked up haunted room, why the hell was she writing a detailed journal on what she would have to do to stop the spirit?".

I'm pretty certain I know who wrote this, and while it didn't live up to some of his other writing (which is easy forgivable in a OWC), it still had plenty of his trademark creepy imagery (The empty bible; The arm coming from underneath the bed; The oozing TV).

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. A disavowed priest who buried sinners under the motel's floorboards? Boris definitely fits into this category! Although I did find Stephen (great name) and Maggie fairly uninspiring, but this may be simply down to the fact that we didn't have enough time to get to know them better.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Stephen sacrificing himself in order to save his wife, but in the process releasing a demon was a good twist.

Past supernatural event?
Ghost daughter… Check!

Micro budget?
Fail. This would definitely require a sizeable budget to make all the effects look good.

Congratulations on writing a solid OWC entry.
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