Room 107 by Anonymous Martin - Short - Bank robbers make a pit stop to a remote hotel on their way to Mexico. - pdf, format 8)

Before I read this, I just want to say that your logline = the first half of "From Dusk Till Dawn". Good times. =)

I'm pleased to see the new batch up, but if this is an omen on what's to come, well...I'm not pleased anymore.

Listen...the writer here can write, but for some reason he (most likely) seems to be trying way too hard, and the result is both a mess and quite irritating, actually.

There are a number of mistakes involving missed Slugs, which always make for a tough read.

There are numerous scenes here that take place outside of the OWC challenge.  I don't see any choice betwen good and evil and the huricane really never appears.

There are a number of very strange lines, but this one from the last page takes the cake for me - "Spiderman screams to Axel Rose's guitar riff..." - this takes place as the only line under "EXT. CAR - CONTINUOUS".  It makes absolutely no sense, and Axel Rose is/was a singer, not a guitarist, but there wasn't a single reference to any music even playing before this.

Really no story here at all, and what there is in terms of plot really means pretty much nothing.  On top of that, the end just appears and means prety much nothing.

A good effort, but a totally missed opportunity, sorry to say.

I think my problem with this stems from it trying to be better than it is. It wants to be something more like throwing in the subplots with the missing people, the crazy chant in the beginning, the four superheroes but I think it just gets lost in its own cleverness.

I have to echo Jeff's sentiment that the writer here can certainly write and I even have a solid idea of whose story this is. I, personally, would have dropped the superhero thing that explained Flash's obsession with Vanatu.

It could have been my cup of tea, but I just wasn't buying into this story as much as I could have.

C.

Sorry I’m late to the party. First read here.

Benn out of town all weekend so I’ll try an get a few reads in but with 36 on the plats, the reading will be very quick and so will the reviews.

First opening 2 pages…waaay heavy on the action with no dialog happening what so ever. I like balance between the two.

You should work on your intro’s a bit. Some you do…some you don’t. A couple of guys…???
That tells me nothing.

The dialog is clean enough. Doesn’t seem forced!

The writer obviously has a grasp for formatting, structure…

And then the end?!?

Is it?

I was looking for a page 13…

Did I miss the end here?

All in all, it was decent enough, but I’m really burned out on super hero’s in general which made this kinda sticky for me to get through, but then to be left on the ledge with the end, made me feel cheated.

Shawn…..><

The writing here is very solid. You have some good lines, but you're trying too hard. The whole thing is very far-fetched, and it doesn't really work at parts.

I like the idea of superhero thugs, though. It would probably work better if you focused on them and left out the voodoo stuff. A crime comedy with superheroes.

It looks like you switched protagonists near the end-- everyone kinda disappears and it's mostly about Spider-man and Flash.

You need a FADE OUT or something at the end. At first I thought I hadn't downloaded the whole thing...

Anyway, I'd really like to see another draft of this. Good job completing the OWC.

Has the feeling of a very rushed job by a good writer.

I like the setting of robber seeking refuge, one of then shot, lots of tension.

To be honest I got a got a bit lost with flash, super etc who has taken there disguise off etc and what the chants were all about. Location seems ok, even though you hit the road in the storm could be outside the restrictions and there didn't seem to be any issue through the night. But it was tricky to do

But,  hey, you got a script in and it's got potential.

What the hell just happened?

I laughed most of the way through this... at some points I think I was supposed to, but at others, not so much.  The images of all these superheroes cussing and fighting with each other was awesome.  I didn't see much of the storm or any paranormal backstory whatsoever.  However, I can't say I didn't enjoy this... it was just so silly!

"F*ck Vanatu!"

Not sure what to think here.  

I think there's a good story somewhere in here but it felt very convoluted.  Creative to bring in the superhero aspect but at the same time it felt like stuff was bouncing around and couldn't really say I was satisfied at all with the ending.

As I said I think there's something good somewhere in here but as of right now it was a challenge for me to find.

A nice effort for a week.

Greg

What do we have here... superheroes robbing banks and stopping off at a motel on their way to Mexico. Sounds like my kind of story.

I'm on the fence with this one, bit of a miss-mash. I liked some parts but then found found myself groaning at certain aspects.

So what did I like? The general idea is pretty good, some bank robbers having to stop off because one is injured and they just happen to come upon some deranged mystery creatures or whatever the two Indian blokes was. It's certainly not original, a lot of horror's start the same way, whether it be a group of high school kids stopping off for petrol or some married couple breaking down in the middle of nowhere.

The fact that the bank robbers were wearing superhero costumes was a cute idea and made for some funny, although cheesy lines. Spiderman getting the best of these like "It’s your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman!" or "I the only one with senses here?" I almost wish you'd gone further with this but that really would have harmed the tone I guess.

The things I didn't like was the opening which confused me from the off, what's with all the dancing around and feeding Gods about? I think this, mixed with an abrupt ending left me clueless about Joe and Doc. And this was the only real time they had to shine because the superheroes took over from page 2.

I wish you'd also shown the supposed demise of Batman and Catwoman, or even a hint of what was to come rather than some idle chatter scene between Spidey and Flash. While on Batman, I actually thought he was the leader/protag because, well, he's Batman but he didn't get a lot to do which was a disappointment.

Did you get all the criteria in... there was motel, hint, HINT of a hurricane, micro budget - those costumes can cost a few dollars you know. :P I don't remember any supernatural past or a decision between good and evil but anyway, was difficult to get everything in.

The writing was good in most areas, a few typos (here which should be hear) but that's always the case with these OWC's and easy fixes on a re-write.

I think some of the major issues came in the last few pages when we're in the lobby but kept going outside without changing scenes. That really did become confusing.

And it was an unsatisfying ending. To end so abruptly made me think there should have been an extra page?

On the whole, the good outweighs the bad for me with this one so while it's not top of my list, it's certainly up there as one of the better ones.

Good stuff.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

I really like where this story began. The writing and dialogue were solid. I was with you all the way to the end, but realized I didn't like where I had ended up. Interesting characters, though. Great job integrating the superhero costumes into the bank robbery!

Congrats

I suspect this was entertaining for the writer... but not so much for me.

Sorry, this was way too convoluted (and not really in a clever way) and messy, and to be honest I got bored to the point I didn't care about any of the characters or about what might happen next.

I suspect you rushed to think of something by deadline - twas a tough challenge... and it seems some people really liked it. Just not my cup of tea.

That's a fade-out, from me.

This is a pretty demented little tale.  I'd be lying if I said I knew what the hell was going on.  I noticed a couple of the other reviews said that these robbers were actual superheroes.  Uh, what?  As I read it, these were just scumbag bank robbers dressed as heroes.

After Batman and Catwoman completely disappeared halfway through, my interest started to waver.  It got inexplicably weird from there and had a bizarre non-ending.

Felt like someone wrote this in an awful hurry.

I just couldn't get into it.  I understand the idea that the Indians use the rainstorm to drive people into their demonic trap, and all that, and this time they got a strange bunch of bank robbers dressed as superheroes, and the heroes tie to the supernatural was Vanatu(sp?) but I just didn't get caught up in it at all.  The ending left me hanging as well.  These things happen.

Perhaps this could be built upon and be a more solid piece with more time.

The magic mushroom trip continues . . .

What to say about this one. Is it a deliberate attempt at comedy or was it written by a comic crazed kid on a sugar rush with access to screen writing software, I just don't know! I don't think this is a serious entry.

Some awkward action description, like 'It bursts high up, reaching for the sky.'

It's impressive that DOC was able to hold the chicken over the barrel, given the intense fire . . .

Missing a scene heading on the end of page 6 and start of page 7, makes the read confusing.

Need to keep things like, 'Winds howling. Rain pounding the pavement.' as the present simple - 'The wind howls, rain pounds the pavement.'

The hurricane is only ever alluded to . . .

'pointing his gun at us.' - I wasn't aware 'WE' were there. Try to avoid action description where you place the reader or audience in the scene.

I didn't really see a choice between good and evil being made as such. the story goes a bit pear shaped after Christian and Anne are taken to Room 107.

I need to apologize to you. I gave a bad review in which I deleted, not fully understanding that the bankrobbers were not actually superhereos. For some reason my mind must have drifted off and I got confused. Anyways, I read the script a second and I must say it makes so much more sense to me now. It actually grew on me and I liked it a lot. The writing was good, dialogue flowed nicely in and out of the action. I didn't care much for the voodoo but I understand you had to get the supernatural aspect integrated into the story. Overall a good job, with a little rewriting it could be something great. Congrats on the OWC.

Well this was ... Different

Robbers dressed on superhero outfits...

To be honest I was completley lost, batman and catwoman disappeared half way through... Spiderman is singing to an AXel rose riff, even though he is a singer and you had no slug or mini slug for music playing..

This was borderline ridiculous for me sorry

Mark

Didn't really see a story here, the ending didn't make a lot of sense to me, not really sure what happened.

I liked the costumes, thought it was a pretty good way to not make the story confusing. It felt a little forced that they somehow stumbled into the motel where there were two Indians about to make a sacrifice. If that's what actually happened?

Agree with LC that this was entertaining for the writer to write but not as much for the reader.

My grade: C but take that lightly.

I thought this was pretty creative and strange.   However, I'm not certain if it's a pisstake or not.  Certainly I don't think anyone wouldl expect trademark comics characters to attract the attention of microbudget filmmakers unless they are used in a fair use sort of situation.  I don't think this script qualifies as fair use - even though it approaches satire.

It did end rather abruptly but it wasn't badly written.  So good on ya, whoever you are, for getting a script together - just enough - for this OWC  

Room 107 by - Bank robbers make a pit stop to a remote hotel on their way to Mexico.
Brief - Voodoo bank robbers stop at Native American motel, bedlam ensues.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel parking lot @ day. Interior, motel lobby @ evening. Exterior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, car @ night
Actors  -  DOC (45), JOE (??), CATWOMAN (??), BATMAN (??), FLASH (??), SPIDERMAN (??)
Costumes  -  Indian feather hat, Joe’s suit and tie, catwoman & batman costumes
Props  -  dead bloody CHICKEN, rusty steel barrel, rocking chair, pipe + tobacco, liquid stage blood, M16(AR15), TEC-9, duffel bag, voodoo doll necklace, Beretta pistol, office desk items, motel guest book, carton of milk + missing person’s image attached, small table, hand claws, under dash wires
Audio FX  -  thunderclap, winds howling, rain on pavement, door creak, pistol shots, car engine start, rain on car, wiper sounds,
Visual FX  -  pistol flashes + smoke + ejections
Other  - fire fuel, lighter, create light to heavy rain effect in the daytime across a parking lot, car for some front-end damage, barrel mess clean up, insurance to cover door damage from kicking, messing up a real motel’s office area isn’t going to be a small request, red glow from room windows, shop fan, rip wire set up, crash padding for dual fall, lighting to create claw silhouette
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural action
Comments  -  Delete that opening sentence & it’s dog. Kinda hard to hold anything near a raging fire. Daytime waterworks and crashing cars are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Re the costumes - Homework for you: Fair use (U.S. trademark law). Learn it. Nice dialog between Flash and Spiderman while they wait. Good light action. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Umm... are we missing an ending here? This is more of an opening sequence or a segment from within a complete story. Script format: needs work. Final word: Nice action, but missable supernatural angle and good or evil choice.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 10.8 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - only Flash, otherwise nope
take refuge from a hurricane - not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice -nope
between good or evil - certainly not
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - only Flash
that factors into their choice. - no choice to be made
Genre is open. - Supernatural action
This is a micro-budget short, - nope
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - chickens are animals, dope
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

There were parts of this that I actually liked alot - the idea of the fugitives wearing superhero costumes...and some of the banter was really quite fun (Spiderman: Let it be noted - this is a bad idea.)

But things seemed to get confused as the script went on.  What the heck was it with Flash's obession with Vanatu?  And by the end, things seemed to go completely off the rails.  What was exactly the evil that descended on them - and were Doc and Joe involved at all?

So - kudos for the colorful characters.  But this one missed the mark for me...  

Cheers,

--Janet (Wonka)

This is written well enough, but I don't think it hit the challenge parameters very well and I was left befuddled at the end.

I guess you could argue that Flash's Vanatu gave one of them some sort of supernatural backstory. I guess Spidey made an evil decision???

Anyway, I think there were too many characters here for twelve pages. Catwoman and Batman were throw away characters. I didn't get what Joe and Doc's whole plan was by creating the storm. Did they know the bank robbers where headed their way? Did they want to steal the money?

Good job entering the OWC.

James

There was a lot of energy here, and a whole heap of crazy.  Probably not really my kind of humour, but i liked the superhero setup.  I found the constant 'Vantu' repetitive, but i guess i can see how people might find this funny.

There was a high level of energy though out this script,  I found it a little manic, and I couldn't really feel any building tension.

Joe and Doc weren't really explained clearly. Flash can use a bit of magic too. Joe's in the back of the car. Quite Hectic.  

Good job.

For the most part I liked this, but wanted more from Flash with Vanatu defeating Doc - thought there might have been a good showdown there. In the end I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I wanted to say it was good, but you left me hanging - no ending.......

Good job though.

I thought the writing, here could be a lot tighter.  The opening sequence could've been cut by half.  It just went on and on.  The initial description of the hotel was just so wrong:

Quoted Text It’s not the Hilton, but a truck driver earning minimum wage might find it comfy enough. If he’s that desperate.

Tell us what the hotel is, not what it ain't.  It's a run-down hotel tyhat hasn't seen a paint brush in thirty or forty years.

When you said that Doc was an Indian, I immediately thought a person from India and not a Native American.  Was I the only one?

I didn't find the characters interesting at all.  You caught my attention when I read that they were wearing superhero costumes, but you did nothing with that.  I lost interest in them right away.  And when you don't care about the characters, you don't care what happens to them.

The ending fell flat with me.  It felt like you didn't have a real ending and just wrapped it up.  Very anti-climactic.

Hope this helps.


Phil