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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Room 107 - 10/12 OWC
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Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Room 107 by Anonymous Martin - Short - Bank robbers make a pit stop to a remote hotel on their way to Mexico. - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Before I read this, I just want to say that your logline = the first half of "From Dusk Till Dawn". Good times. =)


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pleased to see the new batch up, but if this is an omen on what's to come, well...I'm not pleased anymore.

Listen...the writer here can write, but for some reason he (most likely) seems to be trying way too hard, and the result is both a mess and quite irritating, actually.

There are a number of mistakes involving missed Slugs, which always make for a tough read.

There are numerous scenes here that take place outside of the OWC challenge.  I don't see any choice betwen good and evil and the huricane really never appears.

There are a number of very strange lines, but this one from the last page takes the cake for me - "Spiderman screams to Axel Rose's guitar riff..." - this takes place as the only line under "EXT. CAR - CONTINUOUS".  It makes absolutely no sense, and Axel Rose is/was a singer, not a guitarist, but there wasn't a single reference to any music even playing before this.

Really no story here at all, and what there is in terms of plot really means pretty much nothing.  On top of that, the end just appears and means prety much nothing.

A good effort, but a totally missed opportunity, sorry to say.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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I think my problem with this stems from it trying to be better than it is. It wants to be something more like throwing in the subplots with the missing people, the crazy chant in the beginning, the four superheroes but I think it just gets lost in its own cleverness.

I have to echo Jeff's sentiment that the writer here can certainly write and I even have a solid idea of whose story this is. I, personally, would have dropped the superhero thing that explained Flash's obsession with Vanatu.

It could have been my cup of tea, but I just wasn't buying into this story as much as I could have.

C.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry I’m late to the party. First read here.

Benn out of town all weekend so I’ll try an get a few reads in but with 36 on the plats, the reading will be very quick and so will the reviews.

First opening 2 pages…waaay heavy on the action with no dialog happening what so ever. I like balance between the two.

You should work on your intro’s a bit. Some you do…some you don’t. A couple of guys…???
That tells me nothing.

The dialog is clean enough. Doesn’t seem forced!

The writer obviously has a grasp for formatting, structure…

And then the end?!?

Is it?

I was looking for a page 13…

Did I miss the end here?

All in all, it was decent enough, but I’m really burned out on super hero’s in general which made this kinda sticky for me to get through, but then to be left on the ledge with the end, made me feel cheated.

Shawn…..><
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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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The writing here is very solid. You have some good lines, but you're trying too hard. The whole thing is very far-fetched, and it doesn't really work at parts.

I like the idea of superhero thugs, though. It would probably work better if you focused on them and left out the voodoo stuff. A crime comedy with superheroes.

It looks like you switched protagonists near the end-- everyone kinda disappears and it's mostly about Spider-man and Flash.

You need a FADE OUT or something at the end. At first I thought I hadn't downloaded the whole thing...

Anyway, I'd really like to see another draft of this. Good job completing the OWC.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Has the feeling of a very rushed job by a good writer.

I like the setting of robber seeking refuge, one of then shot, lots of tension.

To be honest I got a got a bit lost with flash, super etc who has taken there disguise off etc and what the chants were all about. Location seems ok, even though you hit the road in the storm could be outside the restrictions and there didn't seem to be any issue through the night. But it was tricky to do

But,  hey, you got a script in and it's got potential.


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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What the hell just happened?

I laughed most of the way through this... at some points I think I was supposed to, but at others, not so much.  The images of all these superheroes cussing and fighting with each other was awesome.  I didn't see much of the storm or any paranormal backstory whatsoever.  However, I can't say I didn't enjoy this... it was just so silly!

"F*ck Vanatu!"


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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what to think here.  

I think there's a good story somewhere in here but it felt very convoluted.  Creative to bring in the superhero aspect but at the same time it felt like stuff was bouncing around and couldn't really say I was satisfied at all with the ending.

As I said I think there's something good somewhere in here but as of right now it was a challenge for me to find.

A nice effort for a week.

Greg


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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What do we have here... superheroes robbing banks and stopping off at a motel on their way to Mexico. Sounds like my kind of story.

I'm on the fence with this one, bit of a miss-mash. I liked some parts but then found found myself groaning at certain aspects.

So what did I like? The general idea is pretty good, some bank robbers having to stop off because one is injured and they just happen to come upon some deranged mystery creatures or whatever the two Indian blokes was. It's certainly not original, a lot of horror's start the same way, whether it be a group of high school kids stopping off for petrol or some married couple breaking down in the middle of nowhere.

The fact that the bank robbers were wearing superhero costumes was a cute idea and made for some funny, although cheesy lines. Spiderman getting the best of these like "It’s your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman!" or "I the only one with senses here?" I almost wish you'd gone further with this but that really would have harmed the tone I guess.

The things I didn't like was the opening which confused me from the off, what's with all the dancing around and feeding Gods about? I think this, mixed with an abrupt ending left me clueless about Joe and Doc. And this was the only real time they had to shine because the superheroes took over from page 2.

I wish you'd also shown the supposed demise of Batman and Catwoman, or even a hint of what was to come rather than some idle chatter scene between Spidey and Flash. While on Batman, I actually thought he was the leader/protag because, well, he's Batman but he didn't get a lot to do which was a disappointment.

Did you get all the criteria in... there was motel, hint, HINT of a hurricane, micro budget - those costumes can cost a few dollars you know. I don't remember any supernatural past or a decision between good and evil but anyway, was difficult to get everything in.

The writing was good in most areas, a few typos (here which should be hear) but that's always the case with these OWC's and easy fixes on a re-write.

I think some of the major issues came in the last few pages when we're in the lobby but kept going outside without changing scenes. That really did become confusing.

And it was an unsatisfying ending. To end so abruptly made me think there should have been an extra page?

On the whole, the good outweighs the bad for me with this one so while it's not top of my list, it's certainly up there as one of the better ones.

Good stuff.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Felipe
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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I really like where this story began. The writing and dialogue were solid. I was with you all the way to the end, but realized I didn't like where I had ended up. Interesting characters, though. Great job integrating the superhero costumes into the bank robbery!

Congrats


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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LC
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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I suspect this was entertaining for the writer... but not so much for me.

Sorry, this was way too convoluted (and not really in a clever way) and messy, and to be honest I got bored to the point I didn't care about any of the characters or about what might happen next.

I suspect you rushed to think of something by deadline - twas a tough challenge... and it seems some people really liked it. Just not my cup of tea.

That's a fade-out, from me.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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This is a pretty demented little tale.  I'd be lying if I said I knew what the hell was going on.  I noticed a couple of the other reviews said that these robbers were actual superheroes.  Uh, what?  As I read it, these were just scumbag bank robbers dressed as heroes.

After Batman and Catwoman completely disappeared halfway through, my interest started to waver.  It got inexplicably weird from there and had a bizarre non-ending.

Felt like someone wrote this in an awful hurry.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  October 24th, 2012, 5:18am
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steven8
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 3:32am Report to Moderator
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I just couldn't get into it.  I understand the idea that the Indians use the rainstorm to drive people into their demonic trap, and all that, and this time they got a strange bunch of bank robbers dressed as superheroes, and the heroes tie to the supernatural was Vanatu(sp?) but I just didn't get caught up in it at all.  The ending left me hanging as well.  These things happen.

Perhaps this could be built upon and be a more solid piece with more time.
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Eoin
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 5:04am Report to Moderator
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The magic mushroom trip continues . . .

What to say about this one. Is it a deliberate attempt at comedy or was it written by a comic crazed kid on a sugar rush with access to screen writing software, I just don't know! I don't think this is a serious entry.

Some awkward action description, like 'It bursts high up, reaching for the sky.'

It's impressive that DOC was able to hold the chicken over the barrel, given the intense fire . . .

Missing a scene heading on the end of page 6 and start of page 7, makes the read confusing.

Need to keep things like, 'Winds howling. Rain pounding the pavement.' as the present simple - 'The wind howls, rain pounds the pavement.'

The hurricane is only ever alluded to . . .

'pointing his gun at us.' - I wasn't aware 'WE' were there. Try to avoid action description where you place the reader or audience in the scene.

I didn't really see a choice between good and evil being made as such. the story goes a bit pear shaped after Christian and Anne are taken to Room 107.
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