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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  The Tool of Morality - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    The Tool of Morality - 10/12 OWC  (currently 5716 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tool of Morality by Anonymous James - Short - An strange couple takes refuge one night from a hurricane in a run down motel where decisions about morality create a constant flow of choices between good or evil and the survival of humanity. - pdf, format


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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If NBK were about two philosophers....

I think I missed the supernatural part here. The low budget went out the window with the saw cutting, unless there's a way to do that cheaply?

There are some funny parts. I think some are meant to be symbolic. It's basically two heads talking to each other with some "interesting" gore going on in the background.

I'm not sure if this story meets all the criteria though. Okay effort, and not sure if this can be filmed without getting a NC17 rating.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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I probably shouldn't even comment on this trash.

IMO, this is downright appalling and disgusting.

If you thnk this is entertainment or that anyone will be netertained by it, you've got issues...serious issues.

On the page, it's nothing but ridiculous rants and "discussions" on God nknows what, while X rated violence and beyond X rated acts of sex and depravity take place.

And you want to put this to film?  Unreal.

I'm actually surprised The Don posted this.

Finally, this garbage does not in any way meet the challenge guidelines.

I'll throw out a grade here - F - for FUCKED!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Tried way too hard to get a reaction and as a result I have no reaction.

Nice try.

Greg


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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I stopped reading this on page 3. There didn't seem to be much going on other than two people talking while having sex.

Nothing in this one, sorry.

Dan


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Well, Kingcooky seemed to think they were Mickey and Mallory-esque whereas I see them being a psychotic combination of two of Brad Pitt's roles; Jeffrey Goines (Twelve Monkeys) and Tyler Durden (Fight Club).

Anyway, I didn't see much of a story here and any who talks in rants/diatribes like that, usually has breaks or shifts thoughts mid-sentence. I thought they both spoke way too clear and, in that regard, it felt too forced.

Also, I would have liked to have known where the three tied up people came from. I mean, unless it was their apartment (although it doesn't seem like it), I don't know how they got them up there.

Anyway, flawed logic and important unanswered questions and a serious lack of an actual story (granted, this looks like it was written by a regular) drops the score down. I'd say emply some of those fixes and you'll have something, at least, more interesting, even though the likelihood of this being filmed is minimal.

D-.

P.S. Make your dialogue more interesting, while you're at it. Big words and a long rant will only get you so far (I'm looking at you "The Matrix Reloaded").


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Gage
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this definitely goes in the "what the hell did I just read" category.  Sorry, but I didn't find much worth in this one.  Needlessly shocking and overly philosophical.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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Yup you get a WTF from me.

Kind of reminded me of Candide, you know the belief that we are In the best of all possible worlds whilst real shit goes on.

The contrast between what is said and want is done doesn't need to be so heavy handed. And yes, this meant to be for film so it goes too far.

Whilst if we analysed every world there could be some running discourse and meaning, you know what, it's not great viewing. More of an academic paper with brutal killing thrown in for fun.

Not for me.


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mcornetto
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was quite good.  Someone got all arty with it and I think actually nailed it (It was kind of like an Oliver Stone/David Lynch take on the requirements).  

I didn't really like the ending, I'm not sure it had the historical aspect and I don't think it truly qualifies as microbudget (mostly because of the head wound)  but I think it has a sort of intelligence and oddness about it that makes it both unique and fascinating.  

Good work.    

Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto  -  October 21st, 2012, 4:25am
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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Reminded me of American Psycho...the book anyway( have never seen the film).

The writing style was good but the subject matter, though meant as black comedy, sorta has polarised the readers.


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LC
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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You chose to split your slugs up for Head of the Bed and Foot of the Bed?!

I think you really have to be quite a brilliant writer for something like this to succeed.

Imho, this needed inspired debate and wit in the dialogue, but I didn't get any of that.

I just got bored with the dialogue, sorry to say.

A real talking head piece. Pun intended.

Another quite unique take on the challenge, I'll say that much.


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jwent6688
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Someone certainly has an issue with religion. I have no problem with that, but you failed big time to get any point across because this story was just plain boring. Am glad I read to the end just to find juggalo Joe gets his head blown off.

Good job entering the owc.

James


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alffy
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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This one seems to be causing a bit of a shit storm so I might as well see what's it all about...

Straight away I see some format errors; strange slugs and redundant description.

Jeans or shorts?  Oh, the woman wears shorts.  How was I to know as she was in bed?

If Regina can carry on her conversation, he's doing it bad.  He might as well give up and wash his face lol.  

Okay now I'm confused, are we in the same Motel room?  Where did these people come from?

So there's plenty of controversial stuff in here.  Religion, race and murder to name a few.  The main problem is that the story is poor.  What the hell is it about...really.  Things aren't explained well enough and got quite bored trudging through the over complicated dialogue.

Sorry but this wasn't for me.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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I think this will be one of the dullest of all entries. I should taken more notice of the "attention" message about this story containing language. It had that in abundance.

And that's even with random people getting cut up without remorse like any normal butcher cutting off a tender piece of rump steak for a customer on a Saturday afternoon.

I'll give you this - the characters were odd and definitely well-spoken but my God was the dialogue boring here. This read like two politicians going at it about a subject I don't care about on "Question Time"  I'm not your targeted audience obviously because this was far from entertaining IMO.

As for the other criteria, like decisions between good and evil, supernatural past etc. I didn't see it but to be honest I didn't understand half of what they were talking about so maybe it was there but hidden within the lacklustre dialogue. Low budget, don't think so... The gallons of fake blood needed would cost a bomb.

The story... Well again a little lost on it but I'll have a stab. They were calling them "looters" and then there was the police sirens going past which I thought might have some relevance? Maybe these unlucky people were robbing some place and these two psycho Bonnie and Clyde types decided to give them some capital punishment?

On the other hand, maybe this guy just kills random women and decides to strip them and perform sexual acts because he's mad? That seems more logical I guess.

The writing in itself isn't bad and this is definitely from a member of boards, I didn't care much for the slugs and there was the usual missing words which made for awkward sentences. For a weeks work though, pretty good.

But the story and idea just isn't for me at all, I'm afraid to say... I was literally bored senseless.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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LC
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
If Regina can carry on her conversation, he's doing it bad.  He might as well give up and wash his face lol.

Very funny comment




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