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Room 3 by Anonymous Regina - Short - A couple having an affair spend the night in a secluded motel and become involved in the affairs of other guests who are battling their own demons and demons from beyond. - pdf, format
Firstly, Where the hell is the hurricane? Now I don't believe it had to be an integral part of the story but you've left it out completely... there wasn't even a light drizzle to speak of.
The story was pretty confusing and I have to admit to having no idea what this was all about. It seemed that some ghosts, a man and two women (who BTW do nothing throughout and serve no purpose) killed these people over money or because they dishonoured them. Who would have thought ghosts could get dishonoured like some mafia boss.
You just sneaked in about them having an affair near the end like it was a kinda of reveal but this info was in the logline - seemed like an odd place to me. They could have just been some married couple to be fair and the punishment they received could be different.
The character's didn't really do a lot for me either, some really odd behaviour from Daniel and Misti. They wanted to call the police which seems like a good decision but then Benny hands out a gun and suddenly it's "go time" Let's go and hunt some random people who just killed someone by touching them - I'm not in the least bothered by that because I have a gun now. Why don't we check out the dark office but not bother turning on the lights or ask where the owner is?
Some of your dialogue and action threw a curve ball at me and I had to stop and think. This was another factor that contributed to a confusing and hard read. Things like:
Ernest saying to 89 year old Addie that they got her "daddy" Huh? Maybe they were travelling around with a corpse to begin with, the guy must be like 105 at least?
"but the tears are of the alligator variety" I'm guessing you mean crocodile tears like he's faking but for a slight moment I thought he was turning into the the Lizard creature from the Spiderman series.
"turns away from the baby" Huh? What baby? - did I miss something?
These kind of things mixed in with an overdose of overwriting and a lots and lots of telling was really harming the read. And then there was times when a room was getting described but we were still outside the room, you need to change scenes for this... Misti might be able to see the room but we can't unless there is a P.O.V or change of scene.
As you can tell, I wasn't a fan and the fact that there was no hurricane really disappointed me. In fact, I don't know how many of the requirements were ticked off here. But anyway...
This really didn't hit the mark for me. Most of what was going on here I just didn't get. The ending I liked. I like the punishments that were issued out, but I don't quite get why they were being punished, what connection they have to these things, and why most of the story were seemingly people just running around.
For a revision I think you should work backwards, because I did like that ending. I didn't fully understand how we got there but I liked it.
Some of the descriptions also tended to really run on and give that overwritten feel to the story. Cutting down on some of those may help.
There was good imagery here and there so I think this did have its moments. It just needs more.
I think you had too many characters and a bit of a meandering plot in this one.
An entertaining enough beginning but it didn't really hold my interest.
Written competently, but I just feel you needed your first introduced characters to lead the way, and what with all the others including those in 'white' I admit to confusion, scanning ahead and ultimately giving up.
Let's hope Jeff leaves a kind comment on this one.
I get the feeling that this is one of your first scripts? Or you literally started writing it in the last hour before submitting?
I'll be honest and say this needs a huge clean up. The writing is very distracting, a lot of details that could be cut easily. I myself am a victim of this. The next time you write, just look at every sentence and think "Would it still make sense visually if I cut this out?".
The story was very confusing as well. If I understood it correctly, I'd suggest really fleshing out the idea you were trying to get across. Change it a little, make it more clearer, make it more dramatic. It needs to flow rather than be stale.
The author spends too much time trying to be formal with whole sentences. When you do that, you end up with blocky action lines. For example:
Ernest surveys the empty room and checks a few of the liquor bottles and beer cans near him. They’re all empty. He stands up and makes his way over to the mini-fridge. He grabs the last beer and lights a cigarette.
Author uses four lines to find an empty room and grabs a beer. Why not - Ernest finds beer cans, littered everywhere. All empty. He opens the fridge, grabs the last beer, pops it open and ponders his next move. Or something like this, but cut down the description and keep the reader's eye going down the page.
The beginning is entertaining, but I think the rest could be executed better. For one, there are too many characters, and they're kind of lacking in character development.
Some on the nose dialogue here and there. Like these:
ERNEST These people that we knew were mad at my brother, Adam. They were supposed to pick up some money, but he stiffed ‘em and they killed him.
(Same with Ernest's next dialogue.)
MISTI Those people came here and just touched her.
By now (page 6) it's getting kind of confusing. You have too many characters, so it's getting hard not to mix them up.
A few action lines could be written better. Like:
"As he walks by Ernest, he touches Ernest’s cheek, killing him."
Yes, you got the point across, but I think this could be described in a more visual way. Maybe Ernest's cheek melts, and he falls to the floor in agony...I dunno. This is just an example, as there are many parts that could be improved.
Overall this seems kind of rushed, but that's understandable with the deadline and all...
IMO, the man in white would be much more menacing if we don't really now who or what he is. You have a few lines where characters say things like "he's not human! He's a spirit!" which totally kills the mystery for me.
The checkbook is a cool idea, but I think man in white's dialogue could be executed better.
Formatting error on pg. 12. The man in white's dialogue carries over from the last page, but there's no CONT'D.
So anyway, I like your set up here, but it seemed very rushed and I was totally lost by the end. But like I said, you have a promising opening, so... I'd really like to see your next draft after the OWC.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Uh oh...we start with a 5 line passage ending in a totally usless, lonely, little orphan. Poor beginning.
Next passage is very poor and all of a sudden, the motel has become a hotel. Getting worse.
Oh boy, now we have x ray vision to see the nakedness of this man and woman.
I always wanted to use the very difficult description of "multi-oolered highlights in her hair". Normally, I'd stop here, but I have to go on...without anymore as I go notes, or I'll never complete this.
Thank you for the constant updates on exactly what everyone is wearing. It really helps move this plot forward.
Up to page 5. Really, really bad so far. The dialogue, the actions, the "story", everything...and where's the frickin' hurricane?
I have to quote this classic line - "Daniel does the most searching, Misti is distracted." - nice. I'm very confused why Daniel and Misti would go on this search after having sex in their room. On a scale of 1 -187, 1 being the least likely to making sense, this comes in at a 1.1.
"Misti explodes." - Oh boy, that ain't gonna be cheap. Oh wait, she didn't actually explode, it was just a wasted line.
The baby? What baby?
I have absolutely no clue what's going on. This is awesome! I love it.
Ok...well, I'm sorry to say this but, I think this nosedives right to the bottom off the barrel - easily one of the worst scripts so far. I see you have an E from Mo, and I'd imagine an F from Mr. Blonde.
Sorry for this, but there's no sugarcoating this and you need to be aware of the shortcomings in this script. Read scripts, ask questions, and most importantly, don't give up. Thank youu for entering.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Should've least mention something about a hurricane but I agree with some of the others, the story became a little confusing at times and I believe you got caught up in trying too describe too much. I think with a little more time this script could be very good but maybe you were pressed for time. Congrats on writing the OWC.