Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  October 2012 One Week Challenge  /  Will the Real Demon Please Rise - 10/12 OWC
Posted by: Don, October 22nd, 2012, 9:02am
Will the Real Demon Please Rise by Anonymous Betty - Short - During a hurricane, a police officer responds to an incident at a motel, where among its inhabitants is a demon with a sexual appetite. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Gage, October 22nd, 2012, 9:11am; Reply: 1
Well, a lot happened there.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't confused for a portion of it.  The ending kinda left something to be desired... are you really going to fade out on Beelzebub walking down the stairs?

Anyways, the formatting and spelling were close to immaculate.  You told the story visually.  Even though I got confused, that may just be me.

A decent effort, here.
Posted by: pale yellow, October 22nd, 2012, 9:24am; Reply: 2
I started off liking this. It is a fresh take....they are headed to a seance.

Where this went a little south for me was the thing in the pantry. First it's an animal then it's a woman (sounds) and then upstairs. I think you got too much going on. It would have better to streamline this a little IMO.

Ack 'two by four' yuk. Sorry.. kinda gross ;) Then the whole sexual demon I dunno...not a very good antagonist imo.....Then the ghost story.

Too many characters to keep up with for me. If they all didn't speak or most of them were just there to huddle and create panic I could deal with it but there was an awful lot to keep up with. Lost my interest.

Could be a decent story though. Good job completing the owc!
Posted by: Mr. Blonde, October 22nd, 2012, 11:37am; Reply: 3
This is another case of a story that started strong and just continued to get weaker. I liked the idea of a cop investigating the case of someone locking up a demon, but then you threw in all these wacky characters (it was, after all, what the rules called for but I think it would have worked out better if you played it straight) and it gets too weird to the point where I start to lose interest.

The writing itself was mostly fine as the problem rested with your story. You have the talent to turn this into something better. Best of luck.

C+.
Posted by: DarrenJamesSeeley, October 22nd, 2012, 12:17pm; Reply: 4
I really liked the setup of the script, even though I am a bit of a prune when it comes to "Mr" and "officer" (the last names of Owen and Munro is suffice) and I'm curious as to what motel, abandoned or not, has a "living room" --and a chandelier! and an elevator! and the best of the bunch A Honeymoon Suite!

:-/

Started off strong but around the halfway point it went downhill. Fast. No brakes.
For a OWC, it's alright. It should have been better. One sure-fire way to do so is changing the motel to a hotel in the rewrite should you choose to do one.
Posted by: khamanna, October 22nd, 2012, 2:57pm; Reply: 5
This was entertaining. Part of it was really funny - I'm wondering if that' intentional.

I think it lacks focus. I wish officer Munroe didnt believe in incubus - i wish we see her reaction. If you follow that up with little more incubus talk and end it the way you did - it would be very good.

The hurricane doesn't fit though, maybe you could totally get rid of it in the rewrite. Also dont think you need Hanna and a number of other characters. Could cut Owen's son for example. Also, you could get rid of Owen killing the priest - although very funny. Your Owen is a fun character!

I was very into it, just think you could keep it simple.
Posted by: Dreamscale, October 22nd, 2012, 3:06pm; Reply: 6
Yeah, this thing really nose dived fast and furious.  I'm actually wondering if it's even meant to be taken seriously or some kind of hybrid pisser?

Way too many characters.

Way too much going on.

Why in the world are all these people in this "motel" that's nothing like a motel?

Writing is fine at times and then at others, the wheels come off much like the story.

Good effort, but you missed the mark by quite a bit, sorry to say.
Posted by: greg, October 22nd, 2012, 3:34pm; Reply: 7
Kinda reminded me of Clue with the endless barrage of characters trying to solve a mystery.  They weren't as cluttered as is the case with some other short script but there were still too many of them and not enough substance.  

Officer Munro can't arrest Owens for being drunk and disorderly in his own property.

And unlocking the pantry and then running away was meh.

By the end things were a little too convoluted for my liking and I couldn't really tell you exactly what happened.

Sorry.

Greg
Posted by: DV44, October 22nd, 2012, 6:03pm; Reply: 8
Well written. The story flowed very nicely. I agree with Jeff, too many characters to keep track of but overall a very nice job. Congrats on the OWC.
Posted by: stevie, October 22nd, 2012, 9:32pm; Reply: 9
The first couple of scenes are very good and setting up a neat story.

But it descends into a mix of comedy, bad taste and confusion. Not sure what the author was chasing here but it was tough to read.

Cheers stevie
Posted by: Reef Dreamer, October 23rd, 2012, 4:19am; Reply: 10
It was the devil in the drawing room with the candlestick up the......

For a micro budget this sure had a lot going on and as said, to me the wheels came off in the middle with too may characters etc

The idea of the police turning up to a motel,   A storm, where the owner has Locke duo a murderer is a decent premises. Personally,  would have stuck with this thread. The has he! Hasn't he? Question. What's in it? What has it done? Lots to play with that alone.

All the best.
Posted by: nawazm11, October 23rd, 2012, 9:27pm; Reply: 11
Actually not too bad, this had a strong beginning like mentioned but just trailed off for the last few pages. That's not to say I enjoyed it, I really did.

Some characters really need to be cut, it made for a cluttered and sometimes slow read. The writing was fine though.

I like a good take on tired genres so I think you did a good job here. A small rewrite would benefit this script.

My grade: B-.
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), October 23rd, 2012, 9:36pm; Reply: 12
I think this was written by someone who is not a novice yet fairly new to screenwriting.  Can I back that up with evidence?  Probably, but it's more of a gut feel at the moment.

Like everyone else, this started out ok then just went awry.  The introduction of unnecessary characters, confusing location changes - the characters were confused, so were we which means the author probably was as well.

Define your story and only include the characters and actions you need to tell it.

Good work on getting an entry together for this OWC.  
Posted by: albinopenguin, October 24th, 2012, 12:00am; Reply: 13
sexual disembowelment? sounds like a blast.

honestly i hated this one going in from the start. why? because of your title.

the opening descriptor didn't do anything for me. and while others thought the beginning was okay, i thought it was really weak. and then things got worse the further i read. simply too many characters.

maybe i just didn't get it. at any rate, i was thoroughly confused throughout.

sorry i couldn't be more positive. congrats on completing a OWC however!
Posted by: RJ, October 24th, 2012, 6:16am; Reply: 14
Different take on things. Definitely saw a story in there.

IMO the doctor character could be cut. I though the jump in time is where things took a turn and it seemed out of place.

Also, Munro's character could have been stronger in parts. More assertive.

Overall, liked it, but thought it could do well from a rewrite.

Good effort.
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), October 25th, 2012, 6:07am; Reply: 15
I think Greg hit the nail on the head with this one - this script gives off a definite "Clue" vibe.  Wacky and goofy - interesting take.  I didn't feel it worked -the action jumped around too much, far too confusing...and the jokes weren't to my taste. (It's not the sexual stuff, just the jokes in general didn't hit a funny bone for me...)  (And no, that wasn't a pun...)

But that makes two comedy scripts I've read in a row for this OWC (this and the 'Reich' script.)  They don't work for me, but it's fun to see someone try something different!

--J (Wonka)
Posted by: Eoin, October 25th, 2012, 7:10am; Reply: 16
You set the atmosphere of the hurricane outside. Liked the kerosene lantern.

Munro is one trigger happy cop. This line sounds odd, 'OFFICER MUNRO
Appears to be a false call.' Wouldn't she use the standard 10 codes? Like maybe:

OFFICER MUNRO
Dispatch, ten four one five, negative.

DISPATCH (V.O)
Negative, copy.

By far, the stand out line in all the scripts I've read thus far:
MR. OWENS
We take all kinds. Mongoloids,
cretins, cripples, Indians.

Too many guests to keep the budget and logistics for this challenge manageable.

Sexual disembowelment - okay - now we're firmly rooted in pisser territory, before it was just mild flirting.

All in all, it was okay, but too much corny stuff to be a real contender.

Posted by: Angry Bear, October 25th, 2012, 12:41pm; Reply: 17
Page 1. Good set up here in the beginning. Set a good mood.

Kind of weird to have a door slammed open though, but I guess it swung open and hit the wall.

I like the 1st page. Good writing in my opinion and we Got some mystery and drama right off the bat.

Page 2. Even though I can picture it and I have also done the same myself, using obese people in my scripts. However, I wish people would not do that in micro-budget scripts. Unless this will be produced in a larger city with a large pool of actors to choose from, obese actors can be very hard to find on a small budget.

Don't think I like Brtha's name. A little too much, I think.

Would officer Munro called this in as a false call without checking the pantry 1st?

Page 3. This is supposed to take place at a rundown motel, instead it appears that you are using a house since we are now in the living room. Spacious with old furniture and a chandelier. That does not sound micro-budget to me.

Now it appears we need an elevator too…

Page 4. I think I am a little lost here. 1st I thought that Ofc. Munro was staying behind, but now it appears that she went with the others. In other words, they left the murderer in the pantry? Does not come across as very reasonable.

Actually, this story is sort of starting to fall apart for me here. I am having a little bit of trouble believing the characters actions and dialogue. For example, how can she arrest Mr. Owens for being drunk and disorderly? What has he done that is disorderly? Second, I believe you can be as drunk as you want on your own property.

Page 5. Okay, we now know that there is someone or something weird in the pantry. They have just unlocked the door and without checking who or what is inside the pantry they all take off for upstairs?

I am not so sure that having a room full of bodies and body parts and entrails would be that cheap to achieve.

Page 6. Some extreme violence there…

Page 9. By now I am starting to think that you made a mistake by introducing George and Anna. What happened to Bertha and Bill? Did they just disappeared? In my opinion, it is too late in the script to start to introduce new people. So far, we haven't really got to know any of the characters. It would be better to stick to the few characters that were here in the beginning and let us know more about them than adding on to the cast.

Could Satan really be locked up in the pantry? Also, this proves what I said earlier that it was very very stupid of them to unlock the pantry and then leave.

Page 10. A lot also grew some things have happened here. I mean horrible horrible stuff. Yet, no one seems to be freaking out or be in a panic. I find that hard to believe. Picture yourself being in his motel sort of locked up because of the hurricane and these atrocious crimes having just been made in the building. How would you react?

Last we saw Bertha being carried out of the room, passed out and now she comes lumbering down the stairs. That was a quick recovery…

And where is Ofc. Munro?

Page 12. I am not a CGI expert, but I am wondering how hard it would be to have this reptilian eight-foot monster and film. Some how it does not sound micro-budget to me.

Okay, finished. I think you did well on some things. There were some typos but other than that I thought the writing itself was fine. You did have a raging hurricane. And YouTube have the supernatural and good and evil inherent. When it comes to odd but interesting characters, I think you failed. That's not just you by the way. I have noticed that in a lot of the scripts I have read. People give a character either a odd description, name or job and think that is all it takes to make an odd and interesting character, but then they totally forget what makes people out and interesting are more about what they do and say…

In my humble opinion, I think in order to make this script better, you need to cut a lot of the characters out. There are too many. We don't get to know any of them, so therefore, we don't care about any of them. Also, it is a little bit too much going on here for a short. My suggestion would be to simplify the story, but add depth to the story and characters.  :)
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), October 25th, 2012, 1:05pm; Reply: 18
I had a little problem following this script.  There was way too much going on for a twelve pager.  While I understand the limits of the OWC, I see this as you trying to pour a quart of water into a pint glass.  At one point, things just went all over the map.

Perhaps, after the challenge is done, you could rewrite this as a longer piece (if you want to).  Everything that you wrote could possibly be stretched out to a sequel.

The writing, itself, was pretty tight.  One or two small problems that would probably have been corrected if you didn't have the time constraints.  If you wanted to leave this as a short, I'd recommend getting rid of a character or two.  Maybe Ferlin.  

If you choose not to go the feature route, I think a rewrite (taking your time) would improve the story greatly.


Phil
Posted by: irish eyes, October 25th, 2012, 9:08pm; Reply: 19
The writing is top notch for me... the story started off strong, then I got very confused, the more characters you added and then the shooting of the priest???

The devil walking down the stairs at the end... Just lost me.. maybe I have to read it again.

But good job on the OWC

Mark
Posted by: RayW, October 26th, 2012, 1:44pm; Reply: 20
Will the Real Demon Please Rise by - During a hurricane, a police officer responds to an incident at a motel, where among its inhabitants is a demon with a sexual appetite.
Brief - Officer called to motel to face assorted crazy people and demons

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel office. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel hallway (HOtels have hallways, MOtels have exterior walkways)
Actors  -  MR. OWENS, late 60s, OFFICER MUNRO, 30s, BERTHA, 40s, BILL, 50s, FERLIN OWENS, 30s, dead body extras (double as other guests), DR. NOTAMEN, 40s, GEORGE, 30s, HANNA, 30s, Priest, 60,
Costumes  -  police officer uniform, priest uniform
Props  -  Kerosene lantern, shotgun + shells, JD bottle, police utility belt + Glock 17/22 + radio + flashlight, pantry door, keyed padlock, wheelchair, sandwich, arms & legs x 10, entrails, 5 gallons of liquid stage blood, sheets and bedspreads for ruin, rope bindings, gag
Audio FX  -  Debris smashing, Howling wind, wooden roof straining, door slamming open, heavy footsteps, upstairs scream, shotgun blasts, heavy footsteps on roof, whistling wind, Notamen scream, labored reptilian breath, pistol shots
Visual FX  - shotgun flashs, priest’s head exploding, shots to George & Hanna’s backs, reptilian-human silhouette, pistol flashes + smoke + ejections,  
Other  - drop plastic to protect the floor, stand-in carpet, window replacement, rip wire set up for Notamen, stunt crash pads
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror, action. Very marketable, IFFFF...
Comments  - Very good sense & use of sounds. Officer Munro needs some Ritalin since she can’t stay on task. Major work on set up & breakdown of that pg5 dead+body parts+blood scene. (If there is going to be a major expense on a scene like this it had better be used a lot to justify the expense.) Dialog’s a little stiff and off. The production cost is going through the roof with this monster cast, BTW. Basic premise is disjointed but ⅔ present. The whole story needs a fair bit of reworking or more pages. Bertha was the only really interesting character. No one was really taking refuge from the hurricane, which was just incidental. No one really was making any choices about anything, let alone between good or evil, and furthermore to survive the night. Budget’s detonated with the cast alone. The action is pretty good with all the running around between four common locations but the complexity will take at least two nights to shoot. Script format: fair. Final word: Story’s a mess + too expensive.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11.8 Screenplay Pages
= $424 - $593  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Only one, rest are just regular people
take refuge from a hurricane - nope, not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep, some did
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror, action
This is a micro-budget short, - not at all
so no destruction of the motel, - only a window
no children or animals - child was mentioned but not seen, so Good!
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - I’ll take the lizard-human as being close enough!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit
Posted by: crookedowl (Guest), October 26th, 2012, 6:31pm; Reply: 21
All right, last review...

The writing itself is good, but the dialogue was on the nose at times.

This started off well, but went downhill quickly.

I think you have too many characters for a 12-pager.

I'm kind of lost at page 6. Like I said, your number of characters clutter the story.

Your logline is interesting, but once all the severed body parts showed up... ehh. It's like you crammed too much story into twelve pages. So, either cut some stuff or make it longer.

Good job completing the OWC.
Posted by: CoopBazinga, October 26th, 2012, 7:28pm; Reply: 22
I apologise firstly for this review being short, I’m kinda limping over the line shall we say towards the end.
I liked the title and thought this going a good old fashioned comedy – it wasn’t.

It started off brightly enough but things really started to nose-dive quickly with a lot of characters and some really confusing things happening.

I thought this had turned into an episode of CSI half-way with the Doc giving the cop some post-mortem and I just wasn’t following.  I’m guessing they summoned a sexual demon (incubus) to avenge what Munro’s father did 25 years previously.

This was a strange beat-up motel with honeymoon suites and chandeliers – not what I was expecting from the challenge but hey, there’s been an island, beach and a graveyard at some of these motels.

The writing could do with some work, felt clunky in places and it wasn’t a great start with an outside description of wind battering a two-storey motel, yet we’re inside.

Not the worst I’ve read but it wasn’t to my tastes.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve
Posted by: LC, October 27th, 2012, 5:06am; Reply: 23
Last one for me.

I got a bit of a Fargo-ish vibe from the beginning of this and was pleasantly surprised how it was all going. Prior to that your title didn't instill a lot of
confidence. :) By about page 5 however, with the mix of characters, I'm starting to get a lil' confused i.e. with who's who.

And the gory/entrails part just changed the whole tone for me.
Dialogue was for the most part, easy on the ear, and descriptions written competently. However, the doctor referring to a 'human entity' didn't sound right to me.
"I particularly liked 'I didn't know it was here, here" I thought it was over there, down the road." Very good characterisation through these witty exchanges.
'Son of a flying pig' sounds like some Southern Dr Phil slang to me - it's good, different. Bit of an awkward description with the Priest being shot and the splatter - thought this could have been phrased better.

To sum up, it's all good until the arrival of your reptilian devil.

Hmm, still pretty good, if a little confusing, for the tongue in cheek type thing it is.

You did convey some really good characters here.
Posted by: jwent6688, October 27th, 2012, 8:34am; Reply: 24
Incubus, Satan, Beezlebub... I got confused here to say the least. I agree there are far too many characters here for twelve pages. I think you could've cut most of them. had a few dead bodies then trap officer Munro in the motel.

Then she slowly begins to realize she's been summoned there for a sacrifice. Would've been a nice slow build towards tension, that's just me though.

I guess devil worshipers from the past could equal supernatural backstory, but I didn't see a clear choice between good an evil. Officer Munro didn't have a choice, she was trapped.

Good job entering the OWC.

James
Posted by: Felipe, October 27th, 2012, 11:48am; Reply: 25
Not sure why the owner would draw a gun on a cop when the murderer is locked up in the pantry.

Things just got really weird when Bertha said she was on her way to a seance for no reason.

There seem to be way too many characters in this for a low budget. Things are getting out of hand quickly.

I think if you're going to kill a little girl and a teenager the way you did in this story, there better be a very important reason in the plot. Otherwise it feels like you did it to get a cheap and easy reaction.

When Munro said "cut to the chase'" I had already said it in my head three lines earlier.

The second half of this script was actually really funny. The banter between the characters wasn't always funny but I laughed a few times. Good stuff.

Like I said, the budget would be on the high side for this, and I actually don't remember a hurricane, so if it was there, it was insignificant.

Still a good job in my opinion.
Posted by: JimElder, March 10th, 2013, 8:33pm; Reply: 26
I'm like everyone else, got lost a bit, but got on track near the end. I guess the two by four Is referring to the size of lizard mans donger. Also the devil can't get out a pantry?. There were two victims, a teenage girl and a male, who was the little girl?
No one else has mentioned her, did I miss something?
Print page generated: January 23rd, 2020, 7:38pm