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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Will the Real Demon Please Rise - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Will the Real Demon Please Rise - 10/12 OWC  (currently 5037 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Will the Real Demon Please Rise by Anonymous Betty - Short - During a hurricane, a police officer responds to an incident at a motel, where among its inhabitants is a demon with a sexual appetite. - pdf, format


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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Well, a lot happened there.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't confused for a portion of it.  The ending kinda left something to be desired... are you really going to fade out on Beelzebub walking down the stairs?

Anyways, the formatting and spelling were close to immaculate.  You told the story visually.  Even though I got confused, that may just be me.

A decent effort, here.


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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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I started off liking this. It is a fresh take....they are headed to a seance.

Where this went a little south for me was the thing in the pantry. First it's an animal then it's a woman (sounds) and then upstairs. I think you got too much going on. It would have better to streamline this a little IMO.

Ack 'two by four' yuk. Sorry.. kinda gross Then the whole sexual demon I dunno...not a very good antagonist imo.....Then the ghost story.

Too many characters to keep up with for me. If they all didn't speak or most of them were just there to huddle and create panic I could deal with it but there was an awful lot to keep up with. Lost my interest.

Could be a decent story though. Good job completing the owc!


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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This is another case of a story that started strong and just continued to get weaker. I liked the idea of a cop investigating the case of someone locking up a demon, but then you threw in all these wacky characters (it was, after all, what the rules called for but I think it would have worked out better if you played it straight) and it gets too weird to the point where I start to lose interest.

The writing itself was mostly fine as the problem rested with your story. You have the talent to turn this into something better. Best of luck.

C+.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked the setup of the script, even though I am a bit of a prune when it comes to "Mr" and "officer" (the last names of Owen and Munro is suffice) and I'm curious as to what motel, abandoned or not, has a "living room" --and a chandelier! and an elevator! and the best of the bunch A Honeymoon Suite!



Started off strong but around the halfway point it went downhill. Fast. No brakes.
For a OWC, it's alright. It should have been better. One sure-fire way to do so is changing the motel to a hotel in the rewrite should you choose to do one.


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khamanna
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was entertaining. Part of it was really funny - I'm wondering if that' intentional.

I think it lacks focus. I wish officer Munroe didnt believe in incubus - i wish we see her reaction. If you follow that up with little more incubus talk and end it the way you did - it would be very good.

The hurricane doesn't fit though, maybe you could totally get rid of it in the rewrite. Also dont think you need Hanna and a number of other characters. Could cut Owen's son for example. Also, you could get rid of Owen killing the priest - although very funny. Your Owen is a fun character!

I was very into it, just think you could keep it simple.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this thing really nose dived fast and furious.  I'm actually wondering if it's even meant to be taken seriously or some kind of hybrid pisser?

Way too many characters.

Way too much going on.

Why in the world are all these people in this "motel" that's nothing like a motel?

Writing is fine at times and then at others, the wheels come off much like the story.

Good effort, but you missed the mark by quite a bit, sorry to say.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Kinda reminded me of Clue with the endless barrage of characters trying to solve a mystery.  They weren't as cluttered as is the case with some other short script but there were still too many of them and not enough substance.  

Officer Munro can't arrest Owens for being drunk and disorderly in his own property.

And unlocking the pantry and then running away was meh.

By the end things were a little too convoluted for my liking and I couldn't really tell you exactly what happened.

Sorry.

Greg


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DV44
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. The story flowed very nicely. I agree with Jeff, too many characters to keep track of but overall a very nice job. Congrats on the OWC.
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stevie
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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The first couple of scenes are very good and setting up a neat story.

But it descends into a mix of comedy, bad taste and confusion. Not sure what the author was chasing here but it was tough to read.

Cheers stevie


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 4:19am Report to Moderator
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It was the devil in the drawing room with the candlestick up the......

For a micro budget this sure had a lot going on and as said, to me the wheels came off in the middle with too may characters etc

The idea of the police turning up to a motel,   A storm, where the owner has Locke duo a murderer is a decent premises. Personally,  would have stuck with this thread. The has he! Hasn't he? Question. What's in it? What has it done? Lots to play with that alone.

All the best.


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nawazm11
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Actually not too bad, this had a strong beginning like mentioned but just trailed off for the last few pages. That's not to say I enjoyed it, I really did.

Some characters really need to be cut, it made for a cluttered and sometimes slow read. The writing was fine though.

I like a good take on tired genres so I think you did a good job here. A small rewrite would benefit this script.

My grade: B-.

Revision History (1 edits)
nawazm11  -  October 24th, 2012, 1:25am
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mcornetto
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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I think this was written by someone who is not a novice yet fairly new to screenwriting.  Can I back that up with evidence?  Probably, but it's more of a gut feel at the moment.

Like everyone else, this started out ok then just went awry.  The introduction of unnecessary characters, confusing location changes - the characters were confused, so were we which means the author probably was as well.

Define your story and only include the characters and actions you need to tell it.

Good work on getting an entry together for this OWC.  
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albinopenguin
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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sexual disembowelment? sounds like a blast.

honestly i hated this one going in from the start. why? because of your title.

the opening descriptor didn't do anything for me. and while others thought the beginning was okay, i thought it was really weak. and then things got worse the further i read. simply too many characters.

maybe i just didn't get it. at any rate, i was thoroughly confused throughout.

sorry i couldn't be more positive. congrats on completing a OWC however!


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RJ
Posted: October 24th, 2012, 6:16am Report to Moderator
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Different take on things. Definitely saw a story in there.

IMO the doctor character could be cut. I though the jump in time is where things took a turn and it seemed out of place.

Also, Munro's character could have been stronger in parts. More assertive.

Overall, liked it, but thought it could do well from a rewrite.

Good effort.
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