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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Skiptrace - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Skiptrace - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4377 views)
Don
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Skiptrace by Steven E. De Souza - Short - When a bounty hunter takes shelter in a motel with a bail jumper, he finds out that maybe the bounty hunter was the one being sought. - pdf, format


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M.Alexander
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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This one was slightly overly-melodramatic ...but heartfelt.   Probably would've been better submitted outside of the OWC as I didn't really see any clear choice between good and evil that Richie had to make.   Can't fault the writing though.  A quick and effective read.   Different.  Nice job.

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M.Alexander  -  October 22nd, 2012, 4:05pm
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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one.  Like M. Alexander said, there wasn't really any choice between good or evil, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.  Very emotional and probably frightening on-screen.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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The good news - this is not bad.  The not so good news - this isn't very good, either.

Tough one to discuss.  It seems to have a cool vibe to it, but it also doesn't make much sense, doesn't go anywhere,a dn it's tough to really care about anyone, because the characters have very little character here.

I guess it seems to meet the challenges in a roundabout way, but for some reason, it doesn't seem like it does at the same time.  I don't know.

The problem is that as I'm writing this feedback, I've already forgotten some story elements and I know in a few minutes, I'll have little memory left of this.

Good effort for sure, but definitely ont a favorite for me.  I recommend working on your characterization, especially when the challenge calls for odd, interesting characters.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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This was alright.  An interesting take with some good visuals.  I think the use of Maria at various stages in her life was a nice touch.  

As far as impact I'm not sure this one really has it.  It was a nice enough story but at the end of the day it didn't hit me too hard.

A nice job anyway.

Greg


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DV44
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't really see the good versus bad aspect of the story but I liked it. It flowed nicely from the dialogue to the action and the moment Maria was discovered in the bathtub, very chilling. Great job. Congrats on finishing the OWC.
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jwent6688
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad story here. As above, I didn't see any clear choice between good and evil. Or any supernatural backstory for thet matter, but I found Petric interesting. It was almost as if he were punishing Richie with his own memories. I think you could've used the extra pages allowed to build on who Petric really was.

I don't think it meets most of the requirements, but nice work nonetheless....

James


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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.

I liked the different shots of Maria at different ages...

I was a bit confused though over the prisoner. I read it a couple times but I'm still not sure who he 'was'.

I really liked the end of this where he looks back and sees his dead body on the bed then goes off with Maria....blue skies was nice at that point also.

It was just confusing for me ...the middle....the beginning got my attention...the end was ok..but it lost me in the middle.

Still..one of the better ones of the owc imo.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good job here. This is well written, and I liked the visuals. Petric was an interesting character, but I was confused at the end. But maybe that's just me.

I really don't have much to say about this one. Great job completing the OWC.
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DaveTroop
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

In agreement.  Some of the requirements met.

I liked how Petric used his supernatural powers to drive Richie over the edge until he offered to let him go free.

At the end though it seemed Maria was real.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.
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stevie
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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This might be my new favourite!

Very atmospheric and well written. Petrie needs to have a little more background as to his powers but a re- write can fix that.

Yeah, is my new number one, though that actually doesn't mean much sadly; some tough reads in this tough challenge.

Cheers stevie


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RJ
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:27am Report to Moderator
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Gonna agree with all the comments above; clean crisp read.

I loved the story.

Didn't see the good vs evil decision though and agree about Petric's backstory. Would have been nice to know who/what he is cause at the moment I can only assume, but don't know whether I'm making the right decision.

Good job.
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Oh, but I loved it. I think I know who wrote it and if I'm right - i kept rolling my eyes right till its melosuperdramatic end and found myself loving it anyway!

I think its very cleverly written - you managed to avoid dreaded flashbacks but made it very clear to visualize nd understand. I was invested throughout.

Congrats on a great story!
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LC
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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There's a heck of a lot to like in this one, it's intelligently & capably written with a real feel for dialogue and character. But something just felt a little off for me in the latter part of the script.

I really enjoyed the first 6 pages - the dialogue, and exchanges between the two main characters, the suspense/bathroom scene etc. but I was trying to put my finger on what didn't work for me later on, and I think it was just that instead of the suspense building for me it kinda fizzled a bit towards your denouement.

Having said that it's still going in my top 5.
Excellent work.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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Good script, reminded me of The Devils Advocate in part, i think.

Nice images, and sense of madness for the husband, but what bothers me most is that the antag, Pedric or whatever his name is, doesn't do anything. V passive. now it may work if we knew more etc but what we witness is almost  a one sided trip down Madness Street. He does seem to succumb quite quickly.

Take the film Seven, where we haven't met the antag for most of the film, yet we know what he's done and his arrival is one damn powerful; scene of walking in the police station covered in blood. We know a lot. You don't have that room here, yet i feel it could be more balanced, somehow.

Yet, it could be tided up and you had a few pages to work with.

Otherwise nice and simple, tight and whilst there are some unusual visuals, maybe ok to produce.

well done.


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