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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  The Final Trip - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    The Final Trip - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4340 views)
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:38pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Final Trip by Anonymous Edward - Short - A hurricane turns what could have been the ultimate road trip for two best friends into a real-life nightmare. The culprit? A cup of hot, steamy tea... - pdf, format

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Oh this supposed to be a serious effort or a big old pisser?

If it's a serious effort, it ain't good, sorry to say.

If it's a pisser, it's not very funny, sorry to say.

It also doesn't even really attempt to meet the challenge requirements.

A waste for me.  Sorry.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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If you are going to drop a ton of the might not want to do it so frequently on the first page.

This was just ok for me. It just barely hit the parameters imo. I got turned off when I hit the two pages of dialogue to be honest.

Just wasn't for me.
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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:57pm Report to Moderator

Wellington, New Zealand
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Yeah sorry, but this doesn't hit the challenge requirements.

On top of that it's lacking somewhat in what I would call a decent story.

The frequent use of the f-bomb is a turn-off for me as well. It seems like you've become reliant on it, as opposed to using it to express your characters.

I don't like any of your two characters. They're a bunch of idiots, IMO. Quite frankly, I don't care when they die. You want to play with knives, you deserve it...

What they were trying to achieve with the whole knife thing was never actually revealed. What's the point?

I thought that, given the story, the short is a little too long. I reckon you could easily bring this down to 7-8 pages.

The dialogue is inconsistent. You have these moments where your characters are swearing left right and center and then this...

"We must use what
resources we have available at our
disposal to do what we need to do."

One minute you have this swearing lunatic, the next you have this guy who talks like one of those politicians with carrots stuck up their ass. Keep it consistent.

Not for me, sorry.

Good job on getting the challenge completed, though, even if you didn't quite meet the requirements.


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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Oh Hi

San Diego, California
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I appreciate the different take on the challenge but this didn't have much juice to it.  Just barely touched the challenge requirements but I guess that's better than nothing.  For some reason Ace turned British halfway through.  Not sure what's going on there.

Pretty simplistic otherwise.  Not much else to say.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
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What a shitload of Fucking cusses and a story to match...

Sorry dude wasn't for me

Good job on entering


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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

New York
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I didn't see the good versus evil thing. Also, there was no choice and no sense of trying to survive the night. The only thing the story sticks with is the supernatural part - barely.

There's a lot of unnecessary and uninteresting actions here. For example on page 8, the author uses "pause" 3 times. It's like using "beat" three times. I'm guilty myself of using "beat" but it's just not necessary here. Also, it should be used sparingly in a feature and even more so in a 10-12 minute short.

Congrats on completing the OWC but the story does not do much for me.
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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
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Some harsh responses here. Given the parameters, I lowered my expectations somewhat. The writer knows his way around the language, so in that way, it was fairly easy on the eye.

I got confused about the 'Mum' bit too. Freudian?

Story elements were there, so structurally is wasn't too bad. As far as the characters go, this wasn't an exercise in intelligence, so were pretty right for what they were doing, but they could have done with being fleshed out some.

I've read that some of these scripts were punched out, like a day before deadline, so I wondered if this had been given a little bit more time?

Okay. 35 to go ...
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Posted: October 20th, 2012, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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This reads like an Aussie author giving it a go.  Pretty damn strange tale, but never generated any suspense or scares.

Your first page is actually numbered 2.  And on that first page "A door slams open."  That's a new one.

Did Ace and Ted really pay for a room with a bare mattress? lol that was funny.  But I had no idea what these two wastoids were doing at the motel.  Why were they drinking the tea?  Just to see the vision of the Mum?  Didn't get why Ted would want to kill himself after accidentally killing Ace.  "I'm coming buddy!"  Then I thought Ace's ghost was trying to save Ted, but then we get the sound of the body collapsing.  Ah, well.  Just didn't get it.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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Pg 2:  
Title page is not supposed to be page 1.
Not sure but Ace's description doesn't need to be in parenthesis, just the age.  Same with Ted.

Pg 3:
“We must use what resources we have available at our disposal to do what we need to do.”  I think this line can be redone.  Doesn't sound right.
Ace is now okay with the room?  After his opening dialogue when he first walked in, this didn't make sense.  I know, I'm too picky.  He is just easy going, right?

Pg 4:
No time indicators in your slugs.  Is it LATER, DAY, NIGHT, etc.?

Pg 5:
Ted, “That’s hot as.”  I assume you wanted an ellipsis here.
The trees bent in the car park earlier, now they continue to bend.  I know this is the OWC, but could have done something better here.
Again, no time indicators in your slugs.

Pg 11:
Not sure if I get the ending though.  I assume Ted is the one who hit the floor?

I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge.  Not sure if they had to make a choice between good/evil, and not sure it fit the other elements.  I liked the Title, but the title page started with page 1, and normally it doesn't get assigned a page number.  That's not a big deal, but noticable.  The writing was okay.  The dialogue needs some work.  Overall, the story going from them trying to get high, to guardian angels, to killing each other (whether by accident or not) felt somewhat rushed.  I guess that is how it is in a OWC!  It was a pretty fast read.  Was the story my “cup of tea?”... not really.  Again, good effort completing this on time.

My Scripts:
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:21pm Report to Moderator

What good are choices if they're all bad?

Nowhere special.
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Yeah, this one wasn't so good, overall. I kept thinking to myself, when they continued to swear every fourth word, "This reminds me of the script for 'Tales From the Hood'", where every other word was basically, "Fuck", "Shit" or everyone's favorite N-related racial slur.

Anyway, the guys in the story are kind of dumb and I'm being generous when I say there is a story. To be honest, there wasn't. This was just an all-around mess. Not a complete disaster, but it is in dire need of a real story.


Revision History (1 edits)
Mr. Blonde  -  October 21st, 2012, 1:04am
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Posted: October 21st, 2012, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I didn't care for this either. Cussing is fine, as long as you're using it well and aren't just using it to be "cool" or whatever.

The writing itself needs some work, IMO. Many awkward lines here and there.

I didn't like or care about the characters. It's not important that people like your characters-- they can be total jerks if you want-- but they have to be interesting, and we should be able to empathize with the characters. They shouldn't be annoying, either.

So, fix the dialogue, improve your characters and this'll be ten times better.

Good job completing the OWC.
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Posted: October 21st, 2012, 6:54am Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
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Some people actually do talk like this you know...

I don't know what the big fuss is over this one - in being really terrible, I mean. Have none of you seen Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure?

I didn't see any good v evil, but the supernatural element was there-- with a couple of stoner guys.

No, it's not genius on any level and it's not going to win any awards, but I don't find it offensive as per the critiques above. It is what it is. It definitely was an easy read, I just wasn't overly fond of the ending and thought a bit more creativity was in order there.

Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 7:05am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
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Ok, so you've had all the feedback above.

My suggestions;

Reveal the reason they are there more clearly and tie this into the story
Don't spend too much tie on the boiling up, it didn't seem to add much to the story
The core is about guardian angels, do they exist, what can they do etc this is where the action, dialogue needs to be more focused
Things like the ants in the tin don't seem to add, as far as I could see, so it is a distraction.

This OWC was a tough challenge so kudos for getting something in.

My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link...
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Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:36pm Report to Moderator

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Who are these guys?  Why are they even together?  They seem like total opposites.  Ted says he has a beach house so he's obviously got money and Ace..just seems like an a-hole.  So what is their relationship?  

After 11 pages I should know who they are, shy they are there, what the plot and conflict was....and I didn't.  You have to remember that we're going into this blind.  we have no idea what's in your head.  You know who they are but we also have to know.

Just keep writing.  

ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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