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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Will the Real Demon Please Rise - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Will the Real Demon Please Rise - 10/12 OWC  (currently 5071 views)
wonkavite
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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I think Greg hit the nail on the head with this one - this script gives off a definite "Clue" vibe.  Wacky and goofy - interesting take.  I didn't feel it worked -the action jumped around too much, far too confusing...and the jokes weren't to my taste. (It's not the sexual stuff, just the jokes in general didn't hit a funny bone for me...)  (And no, that wasn't a pun...)

But that makes two comedy scripts I've read in a row for this OWC (this and the 'Reich' script.)  They don't work for me, but it's fun to see someone try something different!

--J (Wonka)
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Eoin
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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You set the atmosphere of the hurricane outside. Liked the kerosene lantern.

Munro is one trigger happy cop. This line sounds odd, 'OFFICER MUNRO
Appears to be a false call.' Wouldn't she use the standard 10 codes? Like maybe:

OFFICER MUNRO
Dispatch, ten four one five, negative.

DISPATCH (V.O)
Negative, copy.

By far, the stand out line in all the scripts I've read thus far:
MR. OWENS
We take all kinds. Mongoloids,
cretins, cripples, Indians.

Too many guests to keep the budget and logistics for this challenge manageable.

Sexual disembowelment - okay - now we're firmly rooted in pisser territory, before it was just mild flirting.

All in all, it was okay, but too much corny stuff to be a real contender.

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Angry Bear
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1. Good set up here in the beginning. Set a good mood.

Kind of weird to have a door slammed open though, but I guess it swung open and hit the wall.

I like the 1st page. Good writing in my opinion and we Got some mystery and drama right off the bat.

Page 2. Even though I can picture it and I have also done the same myself, using obese people in my scripts. However, I wish people would not do that in micro-budget scripts. Unless this will be produced in a larger city with a large pool of actors to choose from, obese actors can be very hard to find on a small budget.

Don't think I like Brtha's name. A little too much, I think.

Would officer Munro called this in as a false call without checking the pantry 1st?

Page 3. This is supposed to take place at a rundown motel, instead it appears that you are using a house since we are now in the living room. Spacious with old furniture and a chandelier. That does not sound micro-budget to me.

Now it appears we need an elevator too…

Page 4. I think I am a little lost here. 1st I thought that Ofc. Munro was staying behind, but now it appears that she went with the others. In other words, they left the murderer in the pantry? Does not come across as very reasonable.

Actually, this story is sort of starting to fall apart for me here. I am having a little bit of trouble believing the characters actions and dialogue. For example, how can she arrest Mr. Owens for being drunk and disorderly? What has he done that is disorderly? Second, I believe you can be as drunk as you want on your own property.

Page 5. Okay, we now know that there is someone or something weird in the pantry. They have just unlocked the door and without checking who or what is inside the pantry they all take off for upstairs?

I am not so sure that having a room full of bodies and body parts and entrails would be that cheap to achieve.

Page 6. Some extreme violence there…

Page 9. By now I am starting to think that you made a mistake by introducing George and Anna. What happened to Bertha and Bill? Did they just disappeared? In my opinion, it is too late in the script to start to introduce new people. So far, we haven't really got to know any of the characters. It would be better to stick to the few characters that were here in the beginning and let us know more about them than adding on to the cast.

Could Satan really be locked up in the pantry? Also, this proves what I said earlier that it was very very stupid of them to unlock the pantry and then leave.

Page 10. A lot also grew some things have happened here. I mean horrible horrible stuff. Yet, no one seems to be freaking out or be in a panic. I find that hard to believe. Picture yourself being in his motel sort of locked up because of the hurricane and these atrocious crimes having just been made in the building. How would you react?

Last we saw Bertha being carried out of the room, passed out and now she comes lumbering down the stairs. That was a quick recovery…

And where is Ofc. Munro?

Page 12. I am not a CGI expert, but I am wondering how hard it would be to have this reptilian eight-foot monster and film. Some how it does not sound micro-budget to me.

Okay, finished. I think you did well on some things. There were some typos but other than that I thought the writing itself was fine. You did have a raging hurricane. And YouTube have the supernatural and good and evil inherent. When it comes to odd but interesting characters, I think you failed. That's not just you by the way. I have noticed that in a lot of the scripts I have read. People give a character either a odd description, name or job and think that is all it takes to make an odd and interesting character, but then they totally forget what makes people out and interesting are more about what they do and say…

In my humble opinion, I think in order to make this script better, you need to cut a lot of the characters out. There are too many. We don't get to know any of them, so therefore, we don't care about any of them. Also, it is a little bit too much going on here for a short. My suggestion would be to simplify the story, but add depth to the story and characters.  


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dogglebe
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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I had a little problem following this script.  There was way too much going on for a twelve pager.  While I understand the limits of the OWC, I see this as you trying to pour a quart of water into a pint glass.  At one point, things just went all over the map.

Perhaps, after the challenge is done, you could rewrite this as a longer piece (if you want to).  Everything that you wrote could possibly be stretched out to a sequel.

The writing, itself, was pretty tight.  One or two small problems that would probably have been corrected if you didn't have the time constraints.  If you wanted to leave this as a short, I'd recommend getting rid of a character or two.  Maybe Ferlin.  

If you choose not to go the feature route, I think a rewrite (taking your time) would improve the story greatly.


Phil
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irish eyes
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is top notch for me... the story started off strong, then I got very confused, the more characters you added and then the shooting of the priest???

The devil walking down the stairs at the end... Just lost me.. maybe I have to read it again.

But good job on the OWC

Mark


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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Will the Real Demon Please Rise by - During a hurricane, a police officer responds to an incident at a motel, where among its inhabitants is a demon with a sexual appetite.
Brief - Officer called to motel to face assorted crazy people and demons

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel office. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel hallway (HOtels have hallways, MOtels have exterior walkways)
Actors  -  MR. OWENS, late 60s, OFFICER MUNRO, 30s, BERTHA, 40s, BILL, 50s, FERLIN OWENS, 30s, dead body extras (double as other guests), DR. NOTAMEN, 40s, GEORGE, 30s, HANNA, 30s, Priest, 60,
Costumes  -  police officer uniform, priest uniform
Props  -  Kerosene lantern, shotgun + shells, JD bottle, police utility belt + Glock 17/22 + radio + flashlight, pantry door, keyed padlock, wheelchair, sandwich, arms & legs x 10, entrails, 5 gallons of liquid stage blood, sheets and bedspreads for ruin, rope bindings, gag
Audio FX  -  Debris smashing, Howling wind, wooden roof straining, door slamming open, heavy footsteps, upstairs scream, shotgun blasts, heavy footsteps on roof, whistling wind, Notamen scream, labored reptilian breath, pistol shots
Visual FX  - shotgun flashs, priest’s head exploding, shots to George & Hanna’s backs, reptilian-human silhouette, pistol flashes + smoke + ejections,  
Other  - drop plastic to protect the floor, stand-in carpet, window replacement, rip wire set up for Notamen, stunt crash pads
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror, action. Very marketable, IFFFF...
Comments  - Very good sense & use of sounds. Officer Munro needs some Ritalin since she can’t stay on task. Major work on set up & breakdown of that pg5 dead+body parts+blood scene. (If there is going to be a major expense on a scene like this it had better be used a lot to justify the expense.) Dialog’s a little stiff and off. The production cost is going through the roof with this monster cast, BTW. Basic premise is disjointed but ⅔ present. The whole story needs a fair bit of reworking or more pages. Bertha was the only really interesting character. No one was really taking refuge from the hurricane, which was just incidental. No one really was making any choices about anything, let alone between good or evil, and furthermore to survive the night. Budget’s detonated with the cast alone. The action is pretty good with all the running around between four common locations but the complexity will take at least two nights to shoot. Script format: fair. Final word: Story’s a mess + too expensive.

$5,000 - $7,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11.8 Screenplay Pages
= $424 - $593  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Only one, rest are just regular people
take refuge from a hurricane - nope, not really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep, some did
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - Supernatural horror, action
This is a micro-budget short, - not at all
so no destruction of the motel, - only a window
no children or animals - child was mentioned but not seen, so Good!
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - I’ll take the lizard-human as being close enough!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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crookedowl
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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All right, last review...

The writing itself is good, but the dialogue was on the nose at times.

This started off well, but went downhill quickly.

I think you have too many characters for a 12-pager.

I'm kind of lost at page 6. Like I said, your number of characters clutter the story.

Your logline is interesting, but once all the severed body parts showed up... ehh. It's like you crammed too much story into twelve pages. So, either cut some stuff or make it longer.

Good job completing the OWC.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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I apologise firstly for this review being short, I’m kinda limping over the line shall we say towards the end.
I liked the title and thought this going a good old fashioned comedy – it wasn’t.

It started off brightly enough but things really started to nose-dive quickly with a lot of characters and some really confusing things happening.

I thought this had turned into an episode of CSI half-way with the Doc giving the cop some post-mortem and I just wasn’t following.  I’m guessing they summoned a sexual demon (incubus) to avenge what Munro’s father did 25 years previously.

This was a strange beat-up motel with honeymoon suites and chandeliers – not what I was expecting from the challenge but hey, there’s been an island, beach and a graveyard at some of these motels.

The writing could do with some work, felt clunky in places and it wasn’t a great start with an outside description of wind battering a two-storey motel, yet we’re inside.

Not the worst I’ve read but it wasn’t to my tastes.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 5:06am Report to Moderator
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Last one for me.

I got a bit of a Fargo-ish vibe from the beginning of this and was pleasantly surprised how it was all going. Prior to that your title didn't instill a lot of
confidence. By about page 5 however, with the mix of characters, I'm starting to get a lil' confused i.e. with who's who.

And the gory/entrails part just changed the whole tone for me.
Dialogue was for the most part, easy on the ear, and descriptions written competently. However, the doctor referring to a 'human entity' didn't sound right to me.
"I particularly liked 'I didn't know it was here, here" I thought it was over there, down the road." Very good characterisation through these witty exchanges.
'Son of a flying pig' sounds like some Southern Dr Phil slang to me - it's good, different. Bit of an awkward description with the Priest being shot and the splatter - thought this could have been phrased better.

To sum up, it's all good until the arrival of your reptilian devil.

Hmm, still pretty good, if a little confusing, for the tongue in cheek type thing it is.

You did convey some really good characters here.


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jwent6688
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Incubus, Satan, Beezlebub... I got confused here to say the least. I agree there are far too many characters here for twelve pages. I think you could've cut most of them. had a few dead bodies then trap officer Munro in the motel.

Then she slowly begins to realize she's been summoned there for a sacrifice. Would've been a nice slow build towards tension, that's just me though.

I guess devil worshipers from the past could equal supernatural backstory, but I didn't see a clear choice between good an evil. Officer Munro didn't have a choice, she was trapped.

Good job entering the OWC.

James


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Felipe
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Not sure why the owner would draw a gun on a cop when the murderer is locked up in the pantry.

Things just got really weird when Bertha said she was on her way to a seance for no reason.

There seem to be way too many characters in this for a low budget. Things are getting out of hand quickly.

I think if you're going to kill a little girl and a teenager the way you did in this story, there better be a very important reason in the plot. Otherwise it feels like you did it to get a cheap and easy reaction.

When Munro said "cut to the chase'" I had already said it in my head three lines earlier.

The second half of this script was actually really funny. The banter between the characters wasn't always funny but I laughed a few times. Good stuff.

Like I said, the budget would be on the high side for this, and I actually don't remember a hurricane, so if it was there, it was insignificant.

Still a good job in my opinion.


'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
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JimElder
Posted: March 10th, 2013, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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I'm like everyone else, got lost a bit, but got on track near the end. I guess the two by four Is referring to the size of lizard mans donger. Also the devil can't get out a pantry?. There were two victims, a teenage girl and a male, who was the little girl?
No one else has mentioned her, did I miss something?

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JimElder  -  March 10th, 2013, 8:46pm
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