Going Down by Reginald McGhee (reggie) - Short, Drama, Comedy - A man faces death. - pdf, format 8)

Nicely done! I wish we had a final shot of Becky's face but other than that, very good job.

Hey Reg,

Recognised the name from MoviePoet. Good to see you contributing and getting into the SS spirit as well. Welcome :) You'll find this site awesome to get some top-notch feedback. The cool thing is, you don't have people working with time pressure, so reviews are generally a lot more detailed.

I have to admit when I opened this one up, I was a little cautious with that log-line. It's not very often when you read a log-line of only four words and expect it to be any good. I was pleasantly surprised with this. For what it is, it's quite a good wee screenplay. Well written and amusing.

Good job,

Dan

Good writing, keep up the good work. :) I would like to see the wife's expression too.

Short and sweet, nicely written. Good job! I agree with the others, would've loved to see Becky's expression. -Dirk

Hey Reggie,

Had a read and was quiet suprised at the length, I don't think I have ever seen a short thats half a page.

I also feel the logline could be a bit more interesting rather than just "A man faces death".

I thought when reading the second line that he was bungie jumping so I feel more information and a slightly longer screenplay may have built up the emotions of Alex and the feel of the tensions prior to jumping.

Found a few bits that I though could have been done differently in order to make it flow better for example:-

"ALEX (20s) stands. A drop of sweat rolls down his face".
I would prefer "As ALEX (20s) stands, a drop of sweat rolls down his face".
Flows better.

"Then he slows. A thick elastic cord on a harness stops him by
a dozen feet from the ground". This reads awkward maybe reword????
"He slows as a thick elastic cord stretches to ten feet from the ground"

Sunlight sparkles Becky's ring. Sounds awkward maybe.....
Sunlight reflects off Becky's ring.

Of course it was a quick read though as mentioned I would have like to feel more tension and emotions from Alex prior to the jump.

It's a fun script and enjoyable to read. Keep at it.

Regards Alex

I thought Reginald might've written this for one of the one pager contests over at MoviePoet but I see he had not.

I know it's only a page, but there's not much of an arc. It's more of a joke, but on the audience.

I did enjoy it though.

Hi Reginald,

So you rewrote it? I remember this one on MP. Nice job - the script is good, simple and to the point and the rewrite is just awesome!
I see her being cruel, making him jump just for the honeymoon money, so great pay off there! Good luck to you, Reginald.

I think I've seen this on MP.

It's good for a one-pager. The page is nice and neat. Easy enough to film. Good job!

Reginald,

Welcome to the chaos of SS.
We're a Quid Pro Quo style tribe of screenwriting misfits.
Looking forward to seeing your take on active members work here.

This is a cute joke well told.
But lack that final payoff.

You know the one...
Becky spews soda when she hears the good news! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

Reggie,

This was good, well written. I don't really have any complaints... kinda hard to critique a one-pager. I would also like to see Becky's reaction, but that's kinda been covered already. Good job.

Hi everyone. Thanks for the cool comments and for posting this. I think I had fun writing this as an exercise. And I look forward in still learning how to write good screenplays. I think these comments are helpful and I sure look forward in reading other screenplays here.

Hey Reggie,  this was short and sweet! More of a joke than a short, but I enjoyed it. The only problems I picked up on have all been mentioned above, especially the end - you should definitely consider showing Becky's reaction as a final payoff.