Mistaken Identity by Dirk Visser (dv44) - Short, Comedy - A man is put into an uncomfortable situation.  12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thank you Don for posting the script. And thanks to anyone who takes the time to read the script. Comedy is not normally my thing but I decided to try something different to see if it would work. - Dirk

Dirk...

About a year or so ago, I remember someone submitting a short  similar to yours, and it was pretty funny.   I applaud your attempted stabs at humor with this piece... good to see you took this one in a slightly different direction... having said that, I didn't see HIM coming... and I should have, especially when Kirsta walked in from the back door.  Oh well.

The set-up was all right.  I thought the handcuffs, well interesting.  In the grand scheme of things, they work here, but...

"CON'D"  in your slug,  Personally I wouldn't do it.  There's a much better way to do that.  Second, a couple of your mini slugs, technically there's nothing wrong with them, but...

Page 4,  EXT.  KEVIN'S HOUSE - DRIVE WAY - DAY

CAR

Me,  I probably would have went this route " Kevin pops the trunk, grabs a bag out of his car, ect... and get rid of that mini slug.   But that's just me.

Fast read.  Nothing groundbreaking, but entertaining.  You got a few chuckles out of me.

Double check some of the grammer.  I'll have a second go through later, I hate missing things.

Ghostie

Hi Dirk,

As per your request I've had a read of this. I see no problem with reviewing the work from fellow regulars. I think you've got a decent idea going. I saw where it was going from the moment they lost the cat, but it was still an amusing little read.

However, there are a few minor things that I think could need some attention. For starters, the formatting has a number of issues, which I think may be because of the screenwriting software that you are using. I don't think the issues are your fault. For example, on a number of occasions, you have a slug at the end of a page, but then on the next page you have the action paragraph. Typically, this is a big no-no and it may be an indicator that your software settings may not be correct. As well as that, the odd parenthetical that you did use, was not alligned correctly. Again, check your software. I'm not sure of the exact measurements, but there will be a way of finding out. Maybe I'm just being a little too picky, but it does stand out to me.

I'm not the biggest fan of the logline, either. I think you could probably add a little more to it, to make the idea seem a little more intriguing. Try something along the lines of this.

"A man puts himself in an uncomfortable situation when he becomes the prime target of a TV show aimed at catching sex predators."

That, for me makes the idea a little more intriguing AND makes me want to read it as opposed to your original logline.

Just a wee personal thing, but I wasn't a big fan of your lack of action. By "action" I mean that you seemed to spend a lot of time on the dialogue but you never really describe what's actually happening. Don't get me wrong, most of your dialogue serves a purpose and it's generally quite funny, but I'd like to see you capitalize on that a little with your use of action paragraphs as well.

I'd cut down on that opening scene. Most of it forshadows what's to come later in the script, which isn't actually a bad thing. However, there are a few lines that you don't really need. It's quite long as it is, so you need to cut down as much as you can.

Other than those minor things, I actually quite liked this one. You've got yourself a nice little idea here and that's quite rare with comedy. Just take a look at your screenwriting software and find out what the issue is. Fix up that logline before Don posts it on the main website and I think this one might get filmed.

Cheers,

Dan

Thanks Ghostwriter for the read. The handcuffs were part of the bag of goodies that Kevin brought in. Strawberries, handcuffs and beer. I agree my formatting needs work, still trying to learn the process.  Thanks again.

Hey Dan,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it. Comedy is really not my thing but I had to try it since it popped into my head. As for the formatting, I'm not using anything but document when I write so maybe I'll get smart one day and use Celtex or something to help with the writing.

I agree that the logline could be expanded but I didn't want reveil that much of the story so I kept it short.

The action lines were hit and miss with me. I kept them short to help the dialogue flow much quicker but maybe I should expand the lines a bit as well.

Thanks again Dan- much appreciated.  :)

Hey, finally got around to reading it. Sorry, but I couldn't get into it, man. It just didn't seem believable to me. Although, I suppose the idea still works. It just needs some work.

For one thing, the dialogue didn't really sell me. The first conversation with Susan and Kevin took me out of it. Seemed very OTN and drawn out. All you really need to do is establish that the cat's name is Little Girl and there's been some activity at an empty house across the street. Maybe the family just got back from the store, they pull into the garage, get the bags out, then open the door to the house and the cat gets out. In passing, Kevin says, "Why did she have to name that thing 'Little Girl'?" Then he hands off the bags to his wife, chases the cat into the sting house, and then hilarity ensues. I know it takes out the bit about the lingerie and the bag of goodies that he's caught with, but I think the Little Girl bit is enough to sell it.

As for the Chris Hansen bit, that's going to be tough because you have to get Chris Hansen to do it and probably NBC's permission to use him and the name. Better off doing a generic version and find ways to exaggerate and mock the original. Bigger hair, more orange skin, a pushier personality. OR make it a female reporter who's a parody of Nancy Grace who starts blowing Kevin's presence all out of proportion, turning it into a social issue and sensationalizing it for the cameras. When the cops have him in cuffs, she could come up and kick him in the crotch for good measure and the cops let it happen.

A friend of mine took some classes at Second City and lately, he's been teaching me some of the stuff he learned about writing skits/sketches. It's super helpful, even if you're not writing comedy or humor. It's a good way to handle how you manipulate an audience.

When you're designing a comical character, you need to figure out their comic perspective. That comes from how the character sees themselves vs. how the rest of the world sees them. An example would be Wile E. Coyote. He thinks he's clever enough to get the Road Runner, but he constantly fails...miserably. AND he thinks he's getting better at it, but it seems like he gets worse. That's comic perspective. With Kevin, instead of being a smart-aleck, maybe he's just super naive and trusting and gullible? He thinks the world's a good place with the exception of a few nuts and he tries to be a good neighbor.

After that, you need to develop flaws and humanity in the character, which kinda go hand-in-hand with each other. Flaws are meant to alienate the character from the audience. With Kevin, the flaw of his perspective could be that he tries to go too far in being a good neighbor or he's just way too unsuspecting of what's going on in the house and the whole premise of "To Catch a Predator". It's something that you and I and nobody we know would believe or do, just because it's so ridiculous. But, on the flip side of that, you need to bring it back in and make them do or believe something that we really do agree with. Like maybe Kevin believes good neighbors make the world a better place or he really wants to get over himself and actually help people.

After that, you exaggerate the comic perspective and the flaws throughout your story. Also, you need to create foil characters who have the opposite comic perspective and create tension for the character in achieving their goal. If you make Kevin the good neighbor, make Nancy Grace the neighbor you'd never ever want to have because of her misanthropic personality and belief system. Kevin sees lots of good in the world, she sees nothing but evil. And she thinks she's doing the world a service by cleaning it up...even though she's got the wrong man. So there's her CP, too.

Think about this. If you want me to send you the notes I got from my friend, let me know and I'll PM you.

Hey Dan,

I appreciate you taking the time to read the script so thank you for that. Comedy is not really my thing but the story popped into my head a couple weeks back so I decided to take a stab at writing it. As far as the dialogue being OTN, can you give me an example, only because I'm trying my best to make sure I don't do that but maybe you could point something out to me.

Looking back I know for a fact that I didn't do that great of a job with the development of Kevin's character. I guess I was just going for laughs with the story as opposed to working on the overall structure of the characters involved.

Writing is tough for sure but I'm having a blast learning the process.

Thanks again Dan!  :)

Hey Dirk

I'm going to say this straight of the  bat and say I liked this.  I thought it was pretty funny, a bit stupid but funny.

The opening scene was a bit odd for me though.  The whole convict thing was strange but I get that it leads to the family not being a real family.  I think it might have helped had we seen the view from the window.  I liked the pay off but the set up was a bit flawed.  The banter between Kevin and Susan about Ali was a bit forced, as it was the catalyst for the story I get why it was there though.

Seems Dan above gave you a good in depth review on characters and the like so I'll leave it there but I will finish by saying again as a quick read, it was funny.

Thanks Alffy,

Yeah, there's things to work on in the script for sure. Here's the thing, I've got a weird sense of humor when it comes to comedy + I'm a bit of a smart a** too so the opening scene was funny to me but looking back on it I agree with everyone that the beginning was a little too long. Maybe I should have gotten straight to the point about the cat and cut back the banter between Susan and Kevin to a degree.

I'm glad you found the story funny. As you know, comedy is hit and miss. What I view funny others may hate and vice versa but thanks again for the kind words.

Cheers! :)

Hi Dirk,

This was a quick, amusing read for me. You stated that comedy isn't normally your thing...couldn't really tell. It's overly silly but hey it's also a comedy and I LOL'd quite a bit. I don't know why but the line about Ali calling her banana Mr. Giggles before she eats it... :o

My only real complaints have been mentioned already... I didn't really like your usage of the mini slugs and I didn't care for the CONT'D in your slugs either. But, to each his own.

Pg. 9 - I think you meant "frightened"? No biggy

Fun, easy read.

ONEY

Thanks Oney,

I appreciate you taking the time to read the script. I'm glad you found the line about Mr. Giggles funny. Never know how people are going to take your sense of humor but happy to hear that you liked it.

As for the script, I need to make some changes to it. Do a better job developing the characters. I see that you have a new script out so I'll take a look at it.

Thanks again Oney!  :)

Dirk,

I also remember reading a script around here similar to this. This one was quite funny, but I think the execution could use some work. A lot of stuff here was very convenient-- the cat's name, Kevin's errand, etc.

I kinda saw where this way going when Chris showed up, but it was funny nevertheless.

To me, this read more like a comedy skit, so at 12 pages it's a bit long, IMO.

Pg. 4: should be "under his breath" not "breathe".

Overall I enjoyed this. Good job.

Will

Hey Will,

Thanks for the read. Yeah the execution wasn't the greatest, I need to go back and change a few things. I'm glad you found it funny. I was bit nervous when I posted the script, as I posted above, you never know if the reader will find your sense of humor funny or not.

Thanks again Will and let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.  :)

Hey Dirk,

I'm notoriously hard to please in regards to comedy, but I liked this.

Unbelievable? Sure. But some of the best comedies are. I don't watch comedy for a realistic representation of the world. I watch them to laugh. Something I would do if this was ever made.

Not really too much else for me to say, as everything I had comments regarding has already been mentioned, ie, the slightly weird formatting, the use of Chris Hansen (love the idea to use a fictional, more over-the-top version of him, that was mentioned), etc.

Only suggestion I would say would be to up the joke count early. I didn't really start laughing until page 6, onwards. Regardless of whether your writing a comedy feature or short, you have to grab me straight away. I want a decent chuckle within the first 1 or 2 pages, at least a handful by the time we get to page 6.

Good read nonetheless.

Toby.

Hey Toby,

Thanks for the read. This was my first try at comedy and something I'll try again down the road but as far as jokes go I agree there wasn't much there in the beginning. I actually had thought of some more material for the banter between Kevin and Susan but I decided against it at the end. I just didn't know if everything I came up with would be considered funny in the story. But hey you never know unless you take a risk.

Thanks again Toby! Let me know if I can read something of yours.

Hey, Dirk. I sent you my review and notes. Best of luck to you, if you choose to give this a rewrite. =)

Hey Dirk, Happy Holidays, brother.  Just found this.

Hilarious.  Very funny.

Reminds me very much of No Meat...so...I'm hoping you're taking the piss here.

Regardless, it is funny as fuck and I don't think that an be denied.

Happy Holidays to you to Jeff,

I'm glad you found it funny.  ;D But if you thought this was funny, read my OWC. Talk about a real pisser. Total crap! I asked Don to remove it but I may be too late, so if I am maybe I have something that will compete with Cowboy Sam!

Interesting read.  To make it a little more believable, how about introducing Ali into the script.  During the gazing out the window scene at the questionable movers, Ali can enter with her imaginary friend and say, "Mom, Dad... I can't find Little Girl", and so on.  Also Kevin talks about Ali like a red headed step child, IMO.  All in all, it had my attention to the end, but a little more tweaking is needed.

Dawn

Thanks Dawn for the read. Let me know if I can return the favor.

After the first of the year I will be rewriting the script and I've already thought about including Ali at the beginning. I agree with Kevin coming off like he doesn't care much for his daughter. Again I will be changing that a bit as well.

Happy Holidays to you!

- Dirk

Hey Dirk.

Just took a read, and I did find it entertaining for a comedy.  The characters read a little weird and unbelievable at times, but I'll get into that in a moment.

First, I thought I'd mention a little something about the on the nose dialogue.  Someone brought it up before and you asked for examples, but I don't think any were brought up, so I thought I'd give you a few.

In your first scene, you have Susan start three sentences off with the word 'so...'.  All three of those are perfect examples of on the nose dialogue.  She's taking way too long to explain everything, and it just feels like a setup.  Not natural.  If you go back and read that dialogue over again outloud, you might be able to tell how stilted that reads.

What read weird to me is Kevin just simply walking into a new family's house and plops down alcohol right on their countertop?  No knock or nothing.  Again, that just seems forced for the setup of the rest of the story.  Maybe at least have him knock and Krista yells out 'Come in, I'll be right there' or something.

I think that right there will take the weirdness and forced setup out of the story and we can enjoy it fully after that, because it is very amusing.

My favorite line is when Chris explains he's on 'To Catch a Predator' and Kevin asks if that's a nature show.  I loved that.

You have a very amusing story/skit going on here that just needs that tad little bit of cleanup to make it pop a little more.

Good job, Dirk.

- Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script and pointing out the "on the nose dialogue" for me. I've been nailed in the past for writing that way and its something I've been trying to get better at so thanks for the example.

As for the story itself my execution needs to get better. Kevin entered the living room through an opened door from the garage. He yelled out if anyone was there but no one responded so then he entered the kitchen and set down the grocery bag on the counter. That's when Krista entered. Again just bad execution on my part.

Thanks again for the kind words and glad you liked it.

Hey Dirk,

This is another one that slipped past me over the Christmas period but I was more than happy to jump in. You've been getting yourself around the site and that's what it's all about.

I have to say that it was nice to read some comedy and this quite a funny little piece. It shares similarities with another script I read on SS in the series section where the author did the same kind of thing with his IASIP script. Take a peek if you haven't already just to compare the scenario and see if it could help you out at all.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1344132506/s-new/

There are some issues, the opening is too long and very exposition heavy meaning the dialogue comes off forced and unnatural. You just need to trim it and make the dialogue more subtle in its delivery.

And look out for dialogue like "Such a pretty name" which although suitable for the set-up really didn't read right for any average 40 year old man to be saying.

Also the just walking into the house could be better handled - why can't  Kevin knock on the door and be greeted by Krista with a line like "I'm looking for Little Girl" and she welcomes him in.

It would then give the whole mistake some believability. Would you just walk into someone's home?

I think that once inside is where this one took off and all of the scripts funniest moments are in this section.

The writing was decent enough, some little nitpicks. You should look into the use of mini-slugs because you had quite a few that wasn't necessary and should have been in the slug line instead.

Overall it was fun read and I loved the whole slapstick ending with the unlucky hero being all wrapped up in bandages. Great last line as well.

Nice work. :)

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script. I agree with everything you said. Reading over the script I felt the beginning was a little too long as well. I need to work on the execution better as far as Kevin goes when he enters the house.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and appreciate your feedback and thanks for the link to the other script.

Take care.

-Dirk

I like your since of humor, but when that catch a predator dude went inside the moment of reality was shaken.
But cat named LITTLE GIRL I laughed as fuck.

Quoted from INTS I like your since of humor, but when that catch a predator dude went inside the moment of reality was shaken. But cat named LITTLE GIRL I laughed as fuck.

Thanks Ints,

I appreciate you taking a look at this. Let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Dirk

Hey Dirk

I think I owe you a read(probably).

This was very funny and very well laid out. You had quite a few good lines and the old story flowed very easily... poor Kevin, I feel his pain. :D

There were a few grammar issues, but I'm sure they have already been mentioned. Anyways, it didn't take away from what was a well wrote funny short.

Mark

Mark,

Thanks a lot for taking a look at the script, I really appreicate it. I'm just about done with my feature now so my focus will be to get back on to this soon.

Just to let you know ,I'm a big fan of your work. I still have your recent Jesus short story to read.

Take care,

Dirk