Can't See A Thing by Ed Beach (CrusaderVoice) - Short - In sports, anyone can have a bad game. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

I know the logline is vague. The only logline I could think of to write telegraphed too much of what was to happen.

This was a good story, and I don't even like sports' stories.  Good comparison of Bill's personal life and his professional life.

There were a number of formatting problems that need to be brought up:

You open up your script with we see.  Never use this in a script.  We are not there.  It reminds people that it's a script and pulls you out of the illusion.

Your opening description was very vague and confusing.  Reading the first few lines, I thought I was watching a football game, not basketball.  You may want to address this.

Your use of off screen (O.S.) is backwards.  It should be:

Quoted Text           JANICE (O.S.)   I'm going to be late tonight.

and not:

Quoted Text           O.S. JANICE   I'm going to be late tonight.

As I said, this is a good story.  Just needs a little tweeking.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Phil: thanks!

I don't remember why I wrote "we see" but it probably came from not knowing how to word that the first shot in my head would be a tight shot of a pair eyes and then, bam, an elbow slams into the side of his head...and it widens out to show a basketball game in progress.

It may not have even been the best way to start...it was just what was in my head at the time of writing.

I'm new to script writing and still figuring out formatting but I actually knew O.S. followed the name and somehow still messed it up (and missed it on a proof-read). It sort of kills me to miss things I already know but figure it probably won't be the first time I do that.

Thanks...

Hi Ed,

Like Phil, I thought this was a tidy little story.

I must admit, I didn't really understand the terminology that was being used by Billy Black, but that really is because I'm English and never seen a basketball game before. I'm sure it made perfect sense to those who have, so it's not an issue. Everything else dialogue wise was ok, particularly between Bill and his wife.

I think maybe including something in the slug to indicate it's a basketball court (sorry, not sure of the correct name for it) would have helped me. I'd no idea what the Stabler Arena was, but again, that's probably down to my Englishness.

The action could maybe have been shortened and tightened up a tad, but it wasn't a slow read.

Good stuff.

Kip.

Overall it was a good story. You don’t often see sports from the perspective of the officials. So I liked that fresh taste a lot.

Phil pointed out some formatting issues that I noticed as well, but as you already replied to them I’ll leave them well enough alone. I noticed some other things however,

Some of your action might be a little over written.

Quoted Text [/quote]He staggers as the nine other basketball players move quickly to the other side of the court. We hear a crowd of 3,000 yell in protest of their player being struck.[quote]

You probably don’t need “of their player being struck.” The reader will get why the crowd is protesting without adding that bit on. Not a big deal, but would just make the read smoother.

Also here,

Quoted Text [/quote]Bill sees from the corner of his eye Lehigh University head coach ROBERT MILTON, 58, and the source of the vocal protest take two steps from his bench and on to the court. They are two steps farther than he is allowed to take by rule.[quote]

You probably don’t need the last sentence. Just Bill yelling at him is enough for the reader to get the idea that he’s doing something wrong.

As Ed said, dialogue overall was pretty well written.  I found something here though,

Quoted Text [/quote]BILL (loudly to Emma) Coach said you did a good job tonight![quote]

you don’t need to put the parentheticals when you have the exclamation point at the end. Again not a huge deal, but just makes for a smoother read.

I don’t know if the telephone conversation between Bill and Janice really works all that well. I mean think about it, do you really want to hear her voice just talking through the phone for that many lines of dialogue? It’s just kind of boring.  I think it might be better if you intercut the conversation so we can see where Janice is. Maybe you could also build the drama here. Have her doing something that further insinuates her infidelities.

-Colin  

Kip- Thanks! I feel a little better knowing that someone that doesn't follow the sport could follow this story. I wanted the on-court dialouge to sound real and it is something that even followers of the sport don't get a chance to hear so it's unfamilar to most...but was hoping readers (ulimately viewers) can still tell what's going on.

I may have messed up that slugline by not only NOT listing basketball court but also failing to include Lehigh University campus...that would have better placed the venue as a medium-sized college facility.

Colin- My default-mode is to paint a word picture. There were times when I was writing this when I couldn't decide whether I was describing too little or not enough. There were several times when I deleted stuff, then hit the "undo" button to bring it all back. This is the value of the boards at work! Thanks!

I never thought twice about re-doing the telephone conversation. Now that you mention it...hearing only one side of it (and more briefly) could serve the same purpose...or showing her at a bar or restaurant (or anywhere other than a car or mall) would be better and (can't believe I didn't think of this) WOULD BE EASIER TO SHOOT! (i feel dumb)

Not that anyone could actually shoot this...but in theory, y'know?

Hey Ed,

I enjoyed the story. Nicely written with a few issues that Phil already pointed out to you but I liked how you flashed back and forth throughout the game along with Bill's personal life with Janice. I couldn't imagine having a major bomb drop on me right before going to work but I felt you did a great job of showing Bill struggling with his problem.

Well done and best of luck with future scripts.

Take care,

- Dirk

Dirk: I guess there could be side message in this (even though I didn't intend it) for someone to think twice before screaming "YOU STINK!" at refs during sporting events.

Hey Ed,

I promised you feedback a while back. Many apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Things got quite busy over my end quite quickly. Moving on, I did finally get around to this one and I do have quite a fair bit of notes.

I've seen that the people who have read this story have liked it and that's great. You're connecting with people which is great to see from beginner writers. It shows that with a little fine tuning you can really go a long way with this. Keep writing and you will be kindly rewarded.

This, unfortunately was a bit of a miss for me, although it certainly has some great potential to work out on film. I like the idea behind it all. You show the implications of personal problems on someone's professional life perfectly. The problem for me comes with the ending which falls on it's face. There isn't much of a resolution. The whole way through I was expecting a twist or something that gave us a reason for Bill's actions. Instead I got a cliff-hanger moment, that just doesn't mix too well with me. I want a conclusion, a reason why Bill is so off form. We get it. He's got some personal stuff going on. What gets to me is his wife said something to him before the last scene. It's killing me to know what she said that's upset him so much. Is she cheating on him? Has someone died? We don't know...

I appreciate the use of flashbacks in this one. They work well with the story that you're telling. I don't think it would be as effective if it was told as a linear story.

I too, found myself confused with all the basketball jargon that was used. Very often I didn't understand the calls that Bill was making. After a while I just assumed that whatever call he did make was the WRONG one. Don't worry, your main idea still came across. No big deal.

Phil has already mentioned the writing and formatting issues in this one and I have to admit, they really do pull the read down. Yes, I know that you weren't aware of them when you wrote this, so there still isn't a big problem.

Page 1: "We see..." - This sort of thing should be avoided in screenwriting. Your opening sentence doesn't need to be written like this...

"We see a young pair of eyes on a face shiny with sweat."

It could be written like this, instead...

"A young pair of eyes on a face shiny with sweat." - Same point delivered, using less words.

Page 1: "O.S. VOICE" - Think it would be much easier if you named him instead.

Page 1: "They are two steps further than he is allowed to take by rule." - This is what many writers refer to as unfilmables. Something that can't be seen directly on film. Only write according to what the audience can see and hear. The audience watching the final film can't physically SEE that the coach is breaking the rules, therefore making the writing redundant.

Page 1: "Another official has Lenns by the arm..." - The Official is a character too, therefore you need to have his name in CAPS upon first introduction. Same goes for the Team Trainer.

Page 2:                              JANICE
                               (into phone)
                      Yes. Can you hold on a minute?

                                          JANICE
                                (to Bill)
                       I need to take this.

- I've never understood why some writers choose to write like this. Why have the break in the dialogue? It doesn't make sense. Why not just write it like this, instead.

                                          JANICE
                                (into phone)
                         Yes. Can you hold on a minute?

She lowers the phone.

                                          JANICE
                                  (to Bill)
                          I need to take this.

- It reads so much better, in my honest opinion.

Page 3:                               BILL
                           You know we don't we do that.

- You don't need the second "we".

Page 3: "Picks ups" should be "picks up".

Page 4: "O.S. JANICE" should actually be formatted as JANICE (O.S.). I suggest using a voiceover instead. Offscreen implies that the character is in the same room whereas a voiceover implies that she is in a different location all together.

Page 5: "He blows his whistle and then feels 3,000 pairs of eyes on him." - Another unfilmable. How do we know that he can feel the eyes. If it's important then you can alternatively write it like this...

"He blows his whistle, looking up to see all eyes on him."

Page 5: You keep mentioning how many people there are in the crowd. Yeah we know that there's 3,000... You don't have to mention it every time you write about the crowd.

Page 5: Try not to include a parenthetical at the END of dialogue. "gesturing to the Lehigh bench" could easily be written as a separate action line... "He gestures to the Lehigh bench". These all seem like pathetic things, but in the long run, they matter.

Page 6: "He knew what would happen the second Bill signaled his partner for help." - Two things, here...

1) Another unfilmable.

2) You drift into Past-tense. Keep is Present-tense at all times when writing a script.. E.G. "Knew" should be written as "knows" somehow.

Page 6: "After brushing her teeth" is unnecessary . We don't care what she's done BEFORE the scene starts. Just get to the point and we'll be happy.

Page 7: Paul: "If you're gonna make a call like that you think we're not going say anything." - I think you mean "going TO say anything."

Like I said, it's not bad. The writing needs a tweak and the story for me is good right up to the point where it falls flat due to a lack of any sort of resolution. We know this guy has been deeply affected by his personal life, but now I need details to keep me properly satisfied. If you were going for a mystery ending then I applaud you.

Well done. Hope this is helpful.

Dan

Thanks Dan. Some of the mistakes you've pointed out fall under "I should know better" and some fall under "I really don't know what I'm doing."

The feedback on this is a huge help for me. This may be the wrong way to approach it, but I looked at writing this short as well as the other I posted, as taking some practice swings in a batting cage.

There were several times when I didn't know how to write / format lines and other times when I wanted to take some chances with copy. I had moments when I thought: "This probably isn't correct" or "I'm not sure if I can get away with writing this line this way..."

In the end, I sort of thought, "screw it; hopefully the SS community will read it, pick apart what doesn't work and point out areas where I'm off-base entirely.

I'm surprised by some things worked, surprised at how many stupid mistakes were there that I should have seen before submitting it and ultimately surprised by discovering that I have to re-learn how to write (that subject is a whole other thread I'll have to post elsewhere).

The ending is intended to be ambiguous.

The first draft included a full, yet rushed discussion, between Bill and Janice right before Bill leaves for the game. I can't tell you why, but for some reason I deleted the whole thing and thought it worked better to leave to the audience's imagination as to what degree of bad news it was. The other flashbacks have led up to this moment so I just decided not to spell the whole thing out. It was one of several chances I took in writing this.

In terms of how the whole thing is resolved: also hard to say. If you're concerned about the game- last year, Lehigh beat Bucknell in the Patriot League title game. Their first meeting this year is Wednesday (Jan. 23) but it is at Bucknell. Bill is bound to get a call correct eventually (law of averages). And no situation he goes through at home is ever the same after that.

Ed,

You of all people should know that the greatest sports stories are told through the form of baseball!  :P LOL! Just kidding dude.

I remember reading your pilot for Bobby Botelli (how's that coming along?) and thought I'd give this one a gander too.

I think you have some good feedback to work with already, I did like the premise of the story and if you didn't reveal yourself as the author, I would have known it was the same guy that wrote Botelli.  Not sure if that's good or bad, but it carries the same tone.

I would suggest maybe using the action on the basketball court to hone in on the flashbacks.  Show what kind of similarities there are with what's going on with Bill on and off the court.  Good luck on your rewrite.

Johnny  

Johnny, it is actually somewhat coincidental that two of the things I've posted here are basketball-related. The Botelli script was hoops just because I thought that sport would lend itself to a series better. I froze for a second after reading the first line of your post because saying something like that suggests you know my background (I'll fill people in on that eventually).

The other short I've posted is not a sports story (but I threw a reference in...I couldn't help it).

I'm not aware if I have a distinctive voice yet, but it may not be a bad thing if it's being picked up on.

I THINK the Botelli re-write is going OK. It's an odd feeling to do a re-write and come up with something so different from the original. It's either going to end up being a lot better or a complete wreck...no in-between, I don't think.

Quoted from CrusaderVoice I froze for a second after reading the first line of your post because saying something like that suggests you know my background (I'll fill people in on that eventually).

Yeah, I actually stalk the members here after I've read their work to get a better idea of where they're coming from.  I saw you pitching a no-hitter in a softball game yesterday and thought you'd be more suited for a feel-good baseball romantic comedy.

Seriously, I was just messin around.  After I read Botelli, and now this, I can tell you have passion for not only sports, but the many stories that they contain.  Apologies if it came off like I did a background check on you. Hahaha!

Later,

Johnny

I would rather write a spy thriller or political thriller but I don't know that world well enough.

I no longer do outdoor sports if it is below 40 degrees outside...so I'm pretty sure that wasn't me since it was a lot colder than that where I was yesterday.

Hey Ed.

Football's great and everything, but basketball is where my heart is, so I might be a little bit biased on this one.  :-)

Actually, it is a good story, and I do like it, but there are things that aren't sitting well with me.

Others have mentioned the over-writing aspect, and a lot of things were over-written.  If you'd like some more examples of how your story can be streamlined, let me know and I'll rewrite a few action descriptions for you.

I think there are two main problems that I see with this.  The first one is the repetition of the scenes.  It's going back and forth and over and over and because we weren't learning anything new, (and never did learn anything new), it was starting to become monotonous, which led to a little bit of a boring read.  It was kind of the same thing over and over.

The second problem was the anti-climactic ending.  Like I said before, we never learn anything and the story just ends.  I get he had a bad day and learned something bad, but we never get a resolution to ANYTHING in the story.  (Not even the game.)  Maybe the game doesn't matter and we don't need to know how it ends, but there does have to be some sort of resolution for Bill.  I'm assuming his wife's cheating on him, but... so what?  I had that idea when she got that phone call in her first scene.  Which goes back to the point that we never learned anything new throughout the story.

Maybe this is based on a true story and you wanted to remain true to it, and I understand that idea, but you could've put a really neat twist in this.  In the wife's first scene, have her under a blanket as they're preparing to watch a movie.  In the wife's second scene, she's on the phone so we never see her anyway.  In the third scene, she wears an oversized t-shirt and baggy shorts, but have it dark as she gets directly under the covers.  And then, in the fourth scene, when she goes to confront Bill... BAM!  We (the audience) find out she's actually quite pregnant, and Janice's dodginess was all because she found out she's actually having triplets, and that's why she's been picking up more hours at work because they're really tight on money.  (And why she's been shopping for more clothes.)

Maybe that's not a great example, but I was trying to get the point across how much greater this story would be with some resolution.

Of course, these are all just thoughts I had while I was reading.  It was still a good story and I did like it, but like I said, I don't know how much my love for the sport was affecting my read.

This actually wasn't written bad, though, minus the lengthy descriptions.  I can tell you're very knowledgable about the sport and the story came across plain and clear.  You mentioned about wanting to find your voice or something of the like, and I have to say you're probably not too far away.  As you probably already know, the more and more you do of something, the more natural it'll come.

And now, I have to let my cynicism have the last word:  'Wow.  Officials' wives must come clean every single day and say they're cheating on them!'

:-)

Hope to see you around, Ed.

- Mark

Hey Ed

Got to read this yesterday but didn't have time to post so won't go into detail as not fresh in the head.

A couple of thoughts;

1) there is the chance for some foreshadowing in the remarks made to the ref - eg " Hey buddy, my wife could do better than that" which he reacts to, but we don't know the full reason why

2) intercutting - I don't mind, indeed I like, scenes that are woven together but with you intercutting to effectively different scenes in the house, I was thrown sometimes as to when this was, what relevance it had - just be careful not to lose the reader when you could just have two or three scenes woven together.

There was a nice subtlety to the handling of the wife's reveal - not to blunt.

Otherwise, an interesting tale, a ref having a bad day on the court, and the discovery of the reason right at the end. For soe reason I felt I should feel more for him, but didn't - one to ponder.

All the best

This was a well told, depressing story, that needs to be cleaned up a little.

I really appreciate it when a writer can make me feel something.  And in this story, I really felt for Bill because he's having a shitty day on all fronts.  If only his daughter hated him too, he would have a trifecta of misery.

Well done.

Jordan

Mark, I was worried about it being repetitive when I finished writing it. In the end, I couldn't decide so I just posted it without really knowing what worked and what didn't. I figured I would find out through feedback.

Is there a point when a writer figures out what is working or not working on page? Does that instinct kick in? I figure everyone needs feedback to know for sure but I can't imagine a successful writer sitting back thinking "I have no idea if this is good or not..."

I had a moment where read your comments and thought "pregnant???" but then I remembered that moments after I found out my wife was, I ran a stoplight and slammed into another car (everyone was OK). So, yeah, Bill might be spacey.

Maybe there's another hidden message in this story- the day before a game, officials need is ask: "Is there anything I need to know? Tell me now, I have a game tomorrow!"

Thanks Reefer and Jordan.

The fact that one of felt for Bill and other not as much I'm chalking up to my lack of skill for not quite getting to both of you to the same feeling. I understand that everybody will looks and interrupts things differently but I think I was close in getting readers to a certain point...but being as new at this as I am, I'm thinking this is more on me.

Making the daughter an annoying teen instead might be fun to write, Jordan. Cruel, but fun.

Hey Ed.

I do pretty meticulous planning on every front before I even sit down and write a scene, so I know pretty much if something's going to work or not as I'm actually writing it.  Although, I do admit more often than not that it's on my reread of what I wrote and on subsequent 2nd, 3rd, and 4th drafts that I catch something that's not working in my writing.  Or, even after somebody else reads it and lets me know.

Now, while I'm having some very small success as far as shorts go for me, I am not a successful writer, so don't take my advice to heart.

My guess is that a successful writer can sit back, think something  is a horrible idea, but still pound away at it and make it become something positive.

Although, based on the last dozen or so movies my girlfriend has dragged me to, maybe they know it's a horrible idea but still write it anyway because they know they're getting a check cut to them.

Ed

Page by page notes.

“A whistle is heard and a crowd that was previously restless
is now booing and jeering at a louder volume. Another
official has Lenns by the arm and guides him across the
floor to the team’s bench as blood flows from a cut above
Lenns’ eye. Robert and a team trainer wearing surgical
gloves meet their player as he gets to the bench.”

Try to keep your action lines down to blocks of four at least. Anymore than that sends up red flags in terms of your knowledge about format.

“FLASHBACK - INT. BLACK HOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING”

- This could be rewritten as:

INT. BLACKS’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – EVENING (FLASHBACK)

The prose is a bit rambling at times, Ed. Try to condense what you want to say into as few words as possible, cut away the extraneous stuff.

For example:

"Bill is standing on the sideline near mid-court when the
ball, heading to no one on either team, flies past him going
out of bounds. He blows his whistle and then feels 3,000
pairs of eyes on him."

"Bill points to his officiating partner under the basket. His
partner’s eyes widen. Bill then gestures for both his
partners to meet and conference at mid-court while the 3,000
in the stands start another loud chorus of boos."

- This could be rewritten as:

Bill stands on the sideline near mid-court as the
ball flies past him, out of bounds. He blows his
whistle, feels 3,000 pairs of eyes on him.

Bill signals his officiating partner under the basket. His
partner’s eyes widen. Bill gestures for both partners to
conference at mid-court, the crowd resonds with unanimous boos.

- Always look to replace “and” with commas and remove all prepositions where possible, it maintains the prose’s fluidity.

PARNTER #1
It’s not my call.
(to Bill)
You’re gonna have to signal it and
you’re gonna have to tell their
bench.
(gesturing to the Lehigh
bench)

- PARTNER is spelt wrong. Also I wouldn’t leave a wrylie on its own like that at the end of a sentence. Just include as part of the action lines underneath.

JANICE
My throat’s actually a little...I
don’t know...it’s probably just
allergies or something. It’s not a
big deal, but y’know...just in case
you better get some sleep. Can you
get me some water?

- Clearly something is up with Janice and maybe this is a subtle way to convey her preoccupied mind but doesn’t it seem contradictory that she would tell Bill to “get some sleep” and fetch her “some water” in the same sentence?

Story-wise I think this has potential, I like the idea of a man’s gradually mounting suspicions about his wife effecting his concentration outside the home. Nice parallels and intertwining of his domestic life and his refereeing duties in what sounds like an important game and the repercussions it is having on his critical decision making.

However, as it stands, this is without an ending, it is an unfinished story in my opinion. You bring things so far but then leave us hanging as to the outcome. I’m all for ambiguity and open ended-ness but this feels like it’s literally missing the last few pages.

Maybe this is your intention, perhaps you have a concluding part to it. If so, why would you do that? Why not have it all as one script? After all, it’s only nine pages long.

You need to tie this one up, man.

Regards.

Col.

Colonel:

Thanks the examples of tightening my copy. I needed those as I'm still working on my ability to develop a tighter script. And the redflags being sent up are warrented since my knowledge of proper format use is minimal.

I know Janice's line you pointed out seems contradictory...I pulled it from real life (I still remember thinking: "what did she just say?"). Anyway, it WAS weird but I thought it might work in that part of this story.

Believe it not, the fact that you're picking apart the ending (or lack of one) makes me feel better about the material that precedes it.

Ed

This is the 2nd I've read from you and they're both Basketball... i'm noticing a theme here :D

I know some of these mistakes have probably been mentioned:

Starting off with "We see" not good.

Try and keep your actions down to 4 lines max, I noticed a few 5 or 6 lines... It males it easier on the eyes and just like the "Bobby"  the O.S follows the name.

Personally i'm not a big basketball fan, but I was able to follow the story and that was down to you.

I like how you broke it up, between his personal life and his working life... but what happened at the end??? Do we have to make our own minds up.

Does his wife want a divorce? How did the game end? You could at least tie one of those up or both, using one scene.

Maybe the basketball scene

ROBERT
You okay Billy? It’s like all of a
sudden you can’t see a thing.

BILLY
She's leaving me.

And with that, Bill drops his whistle and saunters off.

Just an example, simple but effective, the fact he did it during the game. Ties up the loose ends and the score doesn't matter.

Mark

Hey Mark, a have a third script posted that is devoid of hoops. Bill walking out never occured to me but that's intriguing. At first, I hated the idea because I'd like to think he's too much of a pro at what he does to walk. Then again, he's actually in the way of the game...and Bill is enough of a pro to know he's screwing it up. He'd be in trouble with his bosses for the exit but everyone would likely understand and get over it over time.

Back to actually putting in the script- it provides a more dramatic close and a statement.