Third Ave by Cody Michaels - Short - A young man recollects on his past and the boy that changed everything for him. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Cody.

Not sure if you're on the boards or not, but I figured I'd give this a read just in case you are.

I like your writing.  People'll say it's flowery and overwritten and more suitable for prose rather than screenplay, and maybe it is.  But I still liked it nonetheless.  You invoked pictures in me, and that's what counts.

Not so sure I liked the technique you chose to tell the story, though, resorting to flashback.  It just made the piece seem dull and un-unique, if that's a word.  Ordinary, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

****somewhat spoilers****

It's clever the subject you chose, male prostitution.  It hasn't been tackled I don't think.

****end spoilers****

I think you have to do more than highlight the story to get a great effect out of it, though.  It could be a strong piece if you laid out the story a bit more, rather than just using convenient voiceover and flashback.  Let us get into the characters, rather than just highlight the main points of the story.

It could be interesting.

- Mark

Hey Cody,

This was an interesting piece. It had the feel of documentary - you set the tone and setting very well.

The description felt over-written at parts. I wouldn't say it was overly prosy, but I'll use Anthony's description on page 1 as an example - you say he is homosexual despite how he looks. I got what you meant, but some may ask "How does he look?" Maybe just write a brief description and let the audience find out that he's homosexual by showing it, which you did a few pages later when he's frolicking about with John.

I think the description appears more overwritten than it really is because you don't really break up the blocks. Maybe try breaking the paragraphs up into two, three sentence paragraphs.

The voice over was written very well. I've always found voice overs tricky, but it really adds something we don't get through the imagery. It goes well with the tone.

Though some may see this as incomplete, no pay off or closure, I think the ending is perfect for this kind of story. Even after his "Boogie Nights" -ish encounter (John) getting jumped, he still roams the streets, selling himself. It's the only life he knows.

My one beef is that the narrator Anthony, who is presented as the main character, doesn't have much of an arc. The story belongs to John more than it does Anthony.

Again, nice work overall.

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read my script and outline your feedback.  It's BEYOND AWESOME when someone can do that, even for a few notes and tips.  And I'm thrilled you enjoyed it, for the most part.  

I've been writing for a while now, I'm a recent film school grad and for whatever reason I am just now discovering this site, so bare with me on my 'noob status.'  I suppose it never occurred to me that such a place like this existed (So glad it does).  I wrote Third Ave in 2011 while I was still in school and shot it a few months later (LINK if you're curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkDWFep7sCw).  I posted the script on here as a sort of test, basically to see exactly how the site worked and hosted it's screenplays.  And man was I pleasantly surprised.  Did not expect anyone to read this to be honest.    

As for the critiques?  I couldn't agree more with them.  t's totally overwritten.  It's something I still struggle with today.  I've made it a point to try and be as economic as possible with my writing.  

Anyway, I am a new member and can't wait to read other scripts on here and contribute to the boards.  Over the years, searching out hollywood scripts online to read and study has taught me so much.  I expect this experience on here will be no different.

Also, since both of you (rc1107 and spesh2k) seemed to enjoy my writing I built up the courage to upload another script to the site in hopes that it will be hosted on here.  It is my first attempt at feature length and would no doubt appreciate your feedback once again.  It's called, I'm Burt Reynolds, so keep an eye out for it if you're interested.  

Thanks again!  
And I appreciate the kind words

-C

        

Cody

First off, welcome to the site.

“ANTHONY, 21, shy and timid, keeps to himself and despite the
way he looks he’s homosexual.”

- People will immediately call you up over this. How can we know “he’s homosexual” by watching this on screen? Convey this as subtly or as explicitly as you want through visuals, you can’t just tell us in the prose.

"ANTHONY (O.S.)"

- The (O.S.) should be replaced with (V.O.)

“ Anthony sits at the bar sipping his gin and tonic,”

- This is a good example of sending up a subtle signifier that Anthony may be gay, although you’ll have to show him ordering it as we won’t be able to know otherwise.

“JOHN, 22, tall and handsome, feminine but masculine, he’s
the gentleman you stare at perplexed, unable to look
away. Leaning against the graffitied walls like an old
nameless cowboy, he puffs on his cigarette meticulously.”

- An unconventional, long winded character description but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I particularly liked the “like an old nameless cowboy” line.

Sorry to harp on about the “he’s homosexual” line but by the end of page 1 we’ll be able to discern the nature of Anthony and John’s relationship through the voiceover and visuals so telling us outright in the prose is unnecessary.

“Smoking a cigarette, he
looks up at John innocently,”

- Is should be “Anthony” instead if “John”.

“Caught in it’s gravitational pull, John drifts
helplessly towards the vehicle.”

- A bit misleading here, goes all sci-fi ;) I know what you are trying to say, maybe rewrite it as something a little more literal and to the point:
“John drifts towards the vehicle in spite of himself.”

“Wielding a knife the Driver slips in unnoticed,”

- A tad confusing. Did the Driver set John up or is he quickly changing sides to avoid a beating, which would be rather silly. Either way, I’m unsure as to what went down there.

“wincing in satisfaction.”

- I liked this oxymoronic phrase, effective.

I appreciate what you are trying to do here, I was faintly touched by the wistful, unresolved ending. It feels like a very personal piece with elements of “My Own Private Idaho” and Kerouac-esque male camaraderie/sexual ambiguity running through it. Of course, the sexuality is very unambiguous here but it has that feel, the New York scene, young, intense love/lust.

Not bad, the writing could do with some cleaning up but the emotional core of the piece moved me which is no small feat in so few pages.

Col.

Hey Cody, I checked out the film - not bad for a student film. Almost exactly like the script except he doesn't get stabbed in the film. It looked good and it's pretty much what I pictured. Where was this shot? It looks familiar.

I'll definitely look out for that script.

I liked the script and the movie. The flashbacks also worked. Altough it clearly wasn't your intension - I liked to see/hear some dialogue. keep up the good work!