Cody
First off, welcome to the site.
“ANTHONY, 21, shy and timid, keeps to himself and despite the
way he looks he’s homosexual.”
- People will immediately call you up over this. How can we know “he’s homosexual” by watching this on screen? Convey this as subtly or as explicitly as you want through visuals, you can’t just tell us in the prose.
"ANTHONY (O.S.)"
- The (O.S.) should be replaced with (V.O.)
“ Anthony sits at the bar sipping his gin and tonic,”
- This is a good example of sending up a subtle signifier that Anthony may be gay, although you’ll have to show him ordering it as we won’t be able to know otherwise.
“JOHN, 22, tall and handsome, feminine but masculine, he’s
the gentleman you stare at perplexed, unable to look
away. Leaning against the graffitied walls like an old
nameless cowboy, he puffs on his cigarette meticulously.”
- An unconventional, long winded character description but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I particularly liked the “like an old nameless cowboy” line.
Sorry to harp on about the “he’s homosexual” line but by the end of page 1 we’ll be able to discern the nature of Anthony and John’s relationship through the voiceover and visuals so telling us outright in the prose is unnecessary.
“Smoking a cigarette, he
looks up at John innocently,”
- Is should be “Anthony” instead if “John”.
“Caught in it’s gravitational pull, John drifts
helplessly towards the vehicle.”
- A bit misleading here, goes all sci-fi
I know what you are trying to say, maybe rewrite it as something a little more literal and to the point:
“John drifts towards the vehicle in spite of himself.”
“Wielding a knife the Driver slips in unnoticed,”
- A tad confusing. Did the Driver set John up or is he quickly changing sides to avoid a beating, which would be rather silly. Either way, I’m unsure as to what went down there.
“wincing in satisfaction.”
- I liked this oxymoronic phrase, effective.
I appreciate what you are trying to do here, I was faintly touched by the wistful, unresolved ending. It feels like a very personal piece with elements of “My Own Private Idaho” and Kerouac-esque male camaraderie/sexual ambiguity running through it. Of course, the sexuality is very unambiguous here but it has that feel, the New York scene, young, intense love/lust.
Not bad, the writing could do with some cleaning up but the emotional core of the piece moved me which is no small feat in so few pages.
Col.