This Screenwriter Saw God by Machael - Short - This Screenwriter saw God, and he posted his script on the Internet for anyone to see what is inside his head. 39 pages - pdf, format 8)

Ease up, guys.

[Edit:  bert agrees.  Some posts deleted already.  Please do not make me delet more.  Thanx]

Machael or Michael?

So all talk and little action on the critical page 1...not the way to go.  Too much talk can really bring the read to a halt and a big block of dialogue at the start can be a bit daunting to a reader.

There's also quite a few grammatical mistakes.  Proofread and proofread and proofread until you think you've got it...and then proofread.  Read a few scripts on this site and a few professional ones to really get the hang of things.  Keep action lines active (watches) as opposed to passive (is watching).  Best of luck.

Johnny

"A Camera appears, and then THE NARRATOR appears standing,
and is watching into the camera�s lenses."

"He pauses staring into the camera�s lenses, and then The
Camera, and The Narrator vanishes."

Is this a camera that we see on screen or THE camera that shoots all the action?

"INT. GOD - NIGHT"

Wow I didn't know this was possible.

"From within the round ball of light God�s face slowly starts
to protrude at the center of the perfectly round ball of
light. Gods eyes is light. God�s nose is light. God�s lips
are light, God�s chin, and forehead is light, and God�s
cheeks are light that are barely visible."

So... just light? I think you're seeing something I'm not seeing.

"The only part of God�s face that can be seen looks like the
Nuns, and the Muslim�s women who covers their heads, and
ears revealing only the front of their faces, and the front
of their cheeks."

Like a ninja? I thought everything was light? You're going to need a talented director to decipher this script. I'm not sure if this is literal or parabolic.

"This Screenwriter watches as God shrink�s back to his normal
size"

Which is what exactly?

"and the camera is magically moving."

Wait, what? I thought the camera vanished on page 2? Perhaps the camera should first magically appear before it magically moves?

page 8 is where I stop.

I'm not a man of religion, but...I just finished watching 'Life of Pi'.  What a wonderful movie.  Those who have seen that movie will know what I am talking about, even the most agnostic or atheist among us will say...what a great movie. Made me think (although I will admit I'm not the brightest star in the sky).  I don't judge, I just want a visual story to enjoy. I keep an open mind.

I opened this script up. I'm gonna put aside the technical problems this script has and concentrate on the first thing that made me want to quit reading. It was this:

THE NARRATOR
Hello... The man that is asleep
behind me is the man who wrote this
script that's posted on this
website.

I wanted to bail here.  The reason?  This reads like a script that's written for a website.  Please don't tell me I'm reading on a script on a website. I know that.  The trick is to make me believe I'm not.  I bailed on page 2. The narration felt like a brain storming session for something that should be years in the planning.

I did carry on a bit longer (open mind -- honestly) but the narrator then started talking about the President of the United States, the Pentagon and Hollywood. I got confused. That's when I gave up.  I didn't get the connections. Maybe that's maybe my ignorance, or maybe this story has problems.

I stopped reading at page four.  It was like reading a screenplay version of Chick book, only not nearly as interesting.  It was just a preachy sermon.  The opening two page narration was painful to read with the on-the-nose, I-refuse-to-listen-to-other-views preaching.

If the author was trying 'persuade' people to join his faith, I doubt he'll get anyone.  It wasn't interesting enough to keep readers.  Getting converts is a harder (if not impossible) sell.

In a nutshell, it's failed preaching.


Phil