Tony TV by James McCormick - Short - An unscrupulous journalist uncovers the secret of a health guru’s seemingly eternal youth but quickly realises he’d have been better off never knowing. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

James,

A few notes as I go:

• Pg. 2  "BARBARA (60), candy floss hair and pearls with her
  beauty troweled on strokes a small, dozing poodle in her lap."
  
  It took me a few tries to understand this description, and once I did, I liked it.  Unfortunately it took a couple times.  I'm from The States and we call it Cotton Candy here.  Then there's the matter of the comma placement.  It should be after "on".  As it reads now, Barbara's beauty is "troweled on strokes".
  
• Pg. 2  "Any idea who that could be?"  This line of dialogue isn't needed.  A simple look from Barbara and a shrug from Tony would get the point across.  The dialogue doesn't sound natural either.
  
• Pg. 3  (Looking at Tony)  These parentheses need to be on their own line.
  

I finished the script but it just didn't read smoothly for me.  I'll just chalk it up to cultural differences.

The story seemed forced toward the end, especially the exchange between Kemp and Barbara.

Jordan

James,

SPOILERS.

I do like the idea, but I think you could work a little more tension/horror into the pay-off rather than jump to the final scene where we assume Kemp is now an android too.  It’s a lot of set-up, for a rather flat finish.

Writing wise you could cut down on your action lines without hurting the story.  Page 3 stands out in particular.  Here you break up every piece of dialogue with a line of action.  I can understand using this approach to interrupt large chunks of dialogue or if you’re trying to control the pace of a scene; but (IMO) if it’s a small character action/gesture not essential to the scene (or character nuance) then ask yourself what you stand to lose by taking it out.  Often it helps smooth the read and help for a more natural flow to the dialogue.  

Hope this helps.

Steve.

Hello James

so i am guessing Kemp is a robot...a nice twist

but you have way to many actions and your dialogue is to long...

Good luck with your Writing

Ugo

Hi Ugo, Steve, Jordan,

thanks for the feedback. Guess this one needs some reworking.

your comments are much appreciated

James