I'm going to take your first two scenes and point out all the errors. I can see you're trying, but it will be hard for people to see your story while it is so poorly structured.
Code INT. SEAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING
A typical bachelor pad. Messy. Clothes are scattered
everywhere around the cluttered bedroom. |
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Instead of telling us the room is a typical bachelor pad, show us. As you have done afterwards with the clothes... use the lines for describing the scene... never, ever tell us what is happening. Show us.
Code SEAN NICHOLS, 34, is
face down on his pillow, in a coma-like deep sleep.
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Give us some character description, is he tall, small, fat, skinny?
Code His mobile phone reads 7:14. A second later, it switches to
7:15 and his alarm goes off, infuriatingly loud. |
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You could shorten the above by going straight to the time flicking to 7:15 and the alarm going off infuriatingly loud..
Rather than write he begins... simply write, Shaun stirs.
Code He reaches out for the phone with his finger-tips, finding
it, slides the off button and silence fills the air. |
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He reaches out and switches the alarm off.
Code Groaning, he wearily sits up at the edge of the bed, spying
his packet of cigarettes on the bedside table. He grabs them.
Sean pulls out a cigarette and puts it to his lips. He lights
it and takes a massive drag, savouring the taste. With that,
he slowly raises himself off the bed and heads into the
hallway. |
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He groans, pulls a cigarette from a pack on the bedside table, lights one, draws on it gratefully, and heads into the HALLWAY.
Say what you need to in as few words as possible.
Code INT. SEAN’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Sean stumbles into his living room. |
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No need to mention that he stumbles into the living room as we already know his location from the slug.
Code Takeaway boxes from the
last few nights meals, litter the coffee table. |
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See from the above. This description tells us everything we need to know. This is a bachelor pad. Certainly no need for that earlier tell. Viewers cannot see tells.
Code He walks
across the room and pulls open the curtains. It’s a bright,
blue-skied day. The sunlight streams into the room, making
him squint in pain. |
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Just write, He pulls open the curtains allowing bright sunlight into the room, hurting his eyes.
Code His eyes adjust to the sunlight, as he looks out onto the
city streets. It’s quiet. Hardly a soul to be seen. |
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The above sentence needs rewording.
Code Sean turns and looks around the room. It’s clearly a mess.
Dishes haven't been done, food has been left out. Empty beer
bottles appear to have taken up residence. |
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You tell us that 'it's clearly a mess'. This is telling us rather than showing, which you do afterwards anyway, so what's the point in telling us as well. No point saying, the room is messy, then go on to describe it being messy. Just stick with describing.
Code He sighs. Then begins to get the apartment into some kind of
order, starting with the clothes lying on the floor in front
of him. |
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He sighs dejectedly and clears some of the mess from the floor.
Hope this helps.