The Cold Fire by Trevor Gayle - Short, Thriller - When an opportunity presents itself, a man down on his luck must make a life changing decision. 16 pages - pdf, format

I'm going to take your first two scenes and point out all the errors. I can see you're trying, but it will be hard for people to see your story while it is so poorly structured.

Code INT. SEAN’S BEDROOM - MORNING A typical bachelor pad. Messy. Clothes are scattered everywhere around the cluttered bedroom.

Instead of telling us the room is a typical bachelor pad, show us. As you have done afterwards with the clothes... use the lines for describing the scene... never, ever tell us what is happening. Show us.

Code SEAN NICHOLS, 34, is face down on his pillow, in a coma-like deep sleep.

Give us some character description, is he tall, small, fat, skinny?

Code His mobile phone reads 7:14. A second later, it switches to 7:15 and his alarm goes off, infuriatingly loud.

You could shorten the above by going straight to the time flicking to 7:15 and the alarm going off infuriatingly loud..

Code Sean begins to stir.

Rather than write he begins... simply write, Shaun stirs.

Code He reaches out for the phone with his finger-tips, finding it, slides the off button and silence fills the air.

He reaches out and switches the alarm off.

Code Groaning, he wearily sits up at the edge of the bed, spying his packet of cigarettes on the bedside table. He grabs them. Sean pulls out a cigarette and puts it to his lips. He lights it and takes a massive drag, savouring the taste. With that, he slowly raises himself off the bed and heads into the hallway.

He groans, pulls a cigarette from a pack on the bedside table, lights one, draws on it gratefully, and heads into the HALLWAY.

Say what you need to in as few words as possible.

Code INT. SEAN’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Sean stumbles into his living room.

No need to mention that he stumbles into the living room as we already know his location from the slug.

Code Takeaway boxes from the last few nights meals, litter the coffee table.

See from the above. This description tells us everything we need to know. This is a bachelor pad. Certainly no need for that earlier tell. Viewers cannot see tells.

Code He walks across the room and pulls open the curtains. It’s a bright, blue-skied day. The sunlight streams into the room, making him squint in pain.

Just write, He pulls open the curtains allowing bright sunlight into the room, hurting his eyes.

Code His eyes adjust to the sunlight, as he looks out onto the city streets. It’s quiet. Hardly a soul to be seen.

The above sentence needs rewording.

Code Sean turns and looks around the room. It’s clearly a mess. Dishes haven't been done, food has been left out. Empty beer bottles appear to have taken up residence.

You tell us that 'it's clearly a mess'. This is telling us rather than showing, which you do afterwards anyway, so what's the point in telling us as well. No point saying, the room is messy, then go on to describe it being messy. Just stick with describing.

Code He sighs. Then begins to get the apartment into some kind of order, starting with the clothes lying on the floor in front of him.

He sighs dejectedly and clears some of the mess from the floor.


Hope this helps.

I would comment on 3 things :

Plot :
I felt you wrote the script like a short story.. a short story in which nothing happens ...When I am reading a script I am looking for some action and in short films you do not have a lot of time for the build up .. every scene should move the story forward .. every scene should have action in it .. a bad scene is a scene built only for exposition ... and until page 15 I just see exposition .. I dont want to know how the guy reached by the train .. i dont want to go through a long interview ... as a viewer I want to know what happens next ... I want to see action .. which I do not see at all in your film ... We watch life like instances only if they are larger than life ... If the interview is as boring as a real life interview why would the viewer go though the agony of watching an interview.

Characters :

I would like to know about the characters .. if they are good or bad .. and if good when will they become bad .. if evil when would they become nice ... I want to see a change in the characters values ... I do not see any of this happening in the 16 pages.


Story must say something :

Evil always wins , nobility triumphs , lust destroys .. Film is a medium through which a writer comments about the way he thinks the society works ... Your story does not have any thing to say as far as I understand it ...


My purpose to tell you all that is not to push you down but is to pin point to the mistakes most  writers make. keep working hard .. hope you ll reach a point where you ll be able to tell better stories.