Up from the Depths 2 by Jeff Bush (dreamscale) - Short, Shark - Young Newlyweds are menaced by a rogue shark while honeymooning on Maui. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh...my...gosh.

I'm speechless.

:P

So far it seems like it's written by a sexually frustrated fourteen-year-old boy. Dialogue is cut straight from a bad seventies porno, really OTN.

Code JOSH Sees us? Who's gonna see us, Sugarplum? There's no one here but us Newlyweds. Let's both get completely naked and have wild unbridled sex in the beautiful ocean and all the Hawaiian fishes can watch.

I'm at page 4 and I'm imagining Sid James in the main part. It's like a Carry On Film. You should have called this Carry On Shark. Or maybe, Confessions of a Frustrated Coconut Collector.

Code Josh immediately pops morning wood. RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!! Josh's trunks rip.

Cartoon sound effects? I suppose the 'boing' is his dick getting hard... or is it the pop? Or both? BTW, morning wood is reserved ONLY for the morning, when one wakes up in the morning... not for everyday erections.

Out at page 6 on this one. Dialogue is the worst I've read so far. I may come back for another go, but I doubt it with this one.

SPOILERS

Mama said a lot of things, none of which will prepare you for what lurks beneath the water in Up from the Depths 2. This is insightful examination of two Newlyweds discovering each other through the jaws of a shark is unmatched, so raw, hard and intimate; all I can do is stand alone and clap.

As I read, I could taste the bounce, and my cookie crumbs fell into my milk. It quenched my thirst only to want more. I will patiently await its sequel.

Bravo.

WTF did I just read?! Sorry man, I could only get to about pg. 8. Funny as sh*t though!

DJ you specifically told me there were no comedies allowed. I skimmed is as it looked like a comedy.

If the scripts aren't thriller/drama/ horror/action/adventure as some of these aren't then why where they deemed to qualify?

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Wow...hilarious!  I knew a pisser or 3 would creep in.

I actually laughed out loud numerous times.  The dialogue sounds like everyone was lobotomized - LOVE it!

It's funny, cuz I wasn't sure where this was gonna go early on, but I sure didn't think it was going where it went.  Baby Rogue Tiger Shark...classic.

Somebody had some fun here and it works as intended. Congrats on entering.

Loving the dialogue. You get me? Funny stuff but we were told no comedies. Have to say though, that you have one heck of an imagination. Baby sharks that suck mens members. Priceless.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Quoted from stevie DJ you specifically told me there were no comedies allowed. I skimmed is as it looked like a comedy. If the scripts aren't thriller/drama/ horror/action/adventure as some of these aren't then why where they deemed to qualify?

I guess Don allowed it. But you're right. I said comedic elements are fine so long as comedy is not the main genre. For example, it's a drama and one character tells a joke. Or the film Jaws isn't a comedy oif course, but Matt Hooper makes faces and mocks Quint. That's the kind of thing I was talking about. Light humor from character by character. Not...

Whatever this is. I was out by five.
The dialog was painful. The slugs annoying.
Sadly, reading this makes me wonder if the writer ever had a girlfriend that stayed with him for more than ten minutes.,

Too juvinile for my blood.

Hmm, rock hard nips, giant jugs, raging boner with a toothless baby shark attached to it.  Can't imagine for the life of me who could have possibly written this magnum opus.  ::)

Had some laughs but I think it's always better to be mercifully short with pissers.  

Lol, there's some good lines in here.

I wasn't supposed to read it now, was I, as it's ineligible but the author threatened me with a gummy shark

Ok….Here comes the harsh review.

Am I the only one that didn’t think this was funny. I tried man.  I read like 9 pages, The whole “you get me” thing, was killing it for me. It’s like” nah mean” but a cornier version. The dialogue and story was just too wacky and bizarre for my taste.  

It’s amazing how some ppl on here can laugh at this type of shit. Not only laugh but consider it insightful and a pisser? Really? I guess that's why they say comedy is subjective.

I did like the idea of two newlyweds in Maui…then throw a shark into it. It could be have been cool if you went with a different tone. Comedy is one thing. I love something that can make me laugh. But it was coming off as reaching for that shock laugh. Which I usually don’t bite on.

I thought this was suppose to be horror based or drama. With maybe some sprinkles of comedy. This just felt like reading a Laffy taffy, without the laughs.

Mad harsh review I know…But hey…I didn’t like it..lol

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Best of luck

Quoted from Dreamscale ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Wow...hilarious!  I knew a pisser or 3 would creep in. I actually laughed out loud numerous times.  The dialogue sounds like everyone was lobotomized - LOVE it! It's funny, cuz I wasn't sure where this was gonna go early on, but I sure didn't think it was going where it went.  Baby Rogue Tiger Shark...classic. Somebody had some fun here and it works as intended. Congrats on entering.

How can you like a piece of crap like this yet hate on scripts that are written ten times better? This is a massive pile of shit, mate... unless, it was you that wrote it. If that is the case, you should be ashamed of yourself. Mostly everyone else took the contest seriously.

If this is you.... then all this does is make you look scared of having a serious attempt. Maybe this is a serious attempt. This wouldn't be the first thing I've read of yours that looks like it's come from the mind of a sexually frustrated 14-year-old boy.

Queequeg. That rings a bell. Moby Dick? Ah yes it was.

Uh oh. I think I know where this going.

Just married yesterday and he doesn't know what his wife looks like naked? Ah, I get it. They got on a plane, flew all the way out here straight from the wedding then instead of going to a hotel they threw their luggage in the sea then decided to talk to this guy about him not getting her clothes off yet.

Cos that type of stuff happens all the time with newlyweds, don't it just.

Now I'm back watching Carry On Where's My Pants Gone.

Cornfed? She's not a chicken.

What's that noise? It's Benny Hill turning in his grave and shouting 'Stop using my sound effects.'

Torpedo like breasts? She's got breasts like missiles? Oh well. For each their own, I suppose.

Even John Holmes would struggle to trip over himself.

I like a laugh. It would be nice to have one soon.

This is more Movie 43 than comedy, to me. I dunno. Give Sandler a ring. He might bite your hand off. Christ knows this is the same level as some comedy films.

Sorry not to be more positive. I think teenage lads might find this funny. If they stayed in a lot. Or maybe not.

R

Another pisser it seems? Title doesn't help your case.

I'm not sure whether the Raphael and Lenny duo are funnier than the perverted Maccabee.

"TRAIL TO PU'U PU'PU OLA'I BEACH" I've shamefully made this joke once or twice when I watched the Descendants. ;D

"RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!!"  ;D, plenty of writers out there who put in too many sound effects, me included... Nice to see you're poking fun.

Not sure what it was with this one, I found it repetitive more than anything. Don't think it was worth the slog, didn't find a lot funny either. Maybe it's hard for anything to try and keep up with the gem that is Jowls, but as a pisser, the comedy didn't appeal to me. There's another similar one with eggplants and a pool that I read quite a while back, didn't think a lot changed really. Pretty obvious who wrote it too, judging from previous pissers and OWC entries.

Up from the depths

Slightly weird dialogue with husband and wife
Married and not seen her assets - then go to Maui - hummm
Palm tree at the edge of the beach - what's going on here
Ok descending into pisser territory
Ripping trunks - actually I quite liked that....what I mean is....
Tripping over your erection, ok I hate it when that happens....sigh
Rogue tiger shark POV!!

Sorry I then got tired

At least it didn't have.... Were gonna need a larger boat.... That was a relief

A spoof. Took me a few pages. I just thought it was a bad script, unintentionally.

I could accept the rule break if it was funny. I'm sure there are some laughs to be found with a straight up Jaws spoof. The only one that worked me was the one about keeping the shark as a pet.

It makes me wonder though. Why waste time on this? At least make it funny, or Andy Kaufman like unfunny.

Comedy was allowed, wasn't it?

And this was pretty fukking funny. It read like a Penthouse Forum letter.

I know the primary focus was to write a serious story about a shark.

But I have to be honest, this was refreshing. Nice break from the drama shark-fest.

Not a chance in hell it's could be made, but it took the writer balls to put something out there for everyone to have some fun.

Good job!!!

Shawn.....><

Took me a few pages to realise it was a pisser. I want this made just to see those lovely titties and my pants can go RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!!

Nuff said.

;-)

Someone having some fun with us, I think. Could tell from the title page.

Nothing wrong with a little levity now and then.

Surprised Jeff was ok with it. He usually crusades against these types of pissers. Sends out Ukrainian hitmen to torture the writers.

No serious review required since it was not a serious attempt. Thanks for that, writer!

Between the script and the comments, this is clearly a pisser. I’m not sure what critique I could put down for such a script. If I were to say that the dialogue was very expositional and eventually flat out painful to get through…well…it’s a pisser. So what could I say?

Pg. 5 “Sorry…guess it’s a guy thing” Nailed it. The humor was like Tom and Jerry with tits.

Congrats on entering the OWC

Well, read it. Baby rogue shark was a nice take, some smiles toward the end. It'd be quite easy to make actually, with some quick camera work. I don't think all of the dialogue needed to be as deliberatley bad as it was.

The HELL did I just read?  lol.  Some sick baby tiger shark porn fetish thing going on with this one.  Why is EVERYONE obsessed with sex?  The hell is going on?!?

Well... err... k then.  

Between coconuts bonking sexually frustrated peepers on the head, wives engaging in foreplay with each other, tiger sharks giving aroused men BJ's and... you know what, just read it and see what I mean.  Bonkers beyond belief.

That's the word I'd use to describe this.  BONKERS.  Literally.  

Now I have to go and wash.  

Short - Madcap/10 (felt like a porno with a shark)
Shark - Gross/10 (read the above)

So this is what they call a piss-take? I thought this was hilarious! Every time I read the words 'you get me' I'd laugh out loud.

Have to love it for what it is I suppose. I would bet the writer actually 'can' write and was just having some fun. I had a good time reading it, you got me?

The line that killed me was, "Oh honey...Mama said it might be big like that, but...WOW!" That along with many others.

:) Was some funny shit.

I would like this script if it was actually shot and I had access to a mute button on the remote...and could pick who was playing the part of Katie.

Wait, the last names of the couple is Peters? Really?

Quoted from CrusaderVoice Wait, the last names of the couple is Peters? Really?

Ahaha!!

The embedded brilliance of a madman...

or perhaps a soul weeping for equality.

Shawn.....><

29. Up from the Depths 2 - Young Newlyweds are menaced by a rogue shark while honeymooning on Maui.
Brief - Newlywed idiots on a Hawaiian beach meet a shark and new friends.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 5
Katie, Josh, Maccabee, baby tiger shark, Pazia
Scenes to Build  - 3
Maui Prince hotel, shack, beach, Mac in a coconut tree
Accessory Visual - average
Fin, coconut fall, binocular vignette, sarong off, shorts out + off, bouncing boobies
Accessory Audio - average
Beach waves, coconut bonk, RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!!, wave splash,

Genre & Marketability - Fantasy comedy
Script format - Good
Comments  -  WTF. Title page: 12pt courier. I'm ditching that hotel build for economy's sake. Oh, darling dialog (rolls eyes)!
     Turn off your program's Mores and Continueds feature.
     Out at page eight. I'm all for a good animated porn story, but this isn't really good enough to warrant the hassle.
     Producerâ's hat is off, reader's hat on: Comedy's hard to do. The premise is great, some of the lines forced, the humor is a wee juvenile - and that there's what's killing it.
Amusing adult content told well for a juvenile audience. I'm honestly disappointed at the combo. It's like you're afraid to try to do a good job because if it fails then you're exposed. So, you bunt to first base.
Final word - Pass. Wonderful premise just gets progressively dumber and dumber, probably as the night wore on and the sobriety of day waned.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.9          Screenplay Pages
= 119/179     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Wrong one Ray...

Whoops!

Thanks, SC!

Fixed.

RIP!!! POP!!! BOING!!!

A typical love story, beautiful marriage ceremony, hot naked chicks with big breasts and a toothless baby shark sucking on a dick...

;D;D;D

This is why I love pissers, they're usually more original than most scripts.

Mark

Alright, so... now that I've had time to catch up on a few more pressing matters...

Jeff, I'm not in the least bit surprised THAT you DID turn in a pisser (quality not withstanding), now I'm just interested in WHY you chose to go this route, writing and submitting a pisser?

I'm not at all being judgmental, I just have a casual interest in the decision making process of how someone goes from "I could do such-and-such" to "Hail, yeah! I think I will... pound, pound, pound... SEND-ola! Ahahahahahaha!"

Thank you, sincerely.

I will provide info ASAP, Ray.  Kind of swamped with work right now.

I am resubmitting this in a few as well, as it appears I upset some peeps by putting Pia's name onj teh doc properties, to throw would be haters off my musky scent.

Apologies to Pia and Don.

To answer Ray’s questions and provide some back story to just how Up from the Depths 2 came up from the depths, I give you this…

I wasn’t very thrilled when I saw the challenge parameters.  A short involving a shark attack is one thing, but 30 or 40 no/low budget shark attack scripts?  Really?  At first, I told myself I wasn’t even going to participate, but as the days rolled by, I decided I’d enter.

Not sure if any of you peeps are familiar with the 1979 Roger Corman classic, Up from the Depths, but I’ll tell you…if you ever get the chance, watch it…one of the best worst movies of all time.  Some friends and I had the pleasure of seeing this in the theater, and we’ve never forgotten it since.

So, I started thinking about a sequel to this gem, and my idea was to make a 10-12 minute teaser of a fake sequel to the grand daddy of all pisser movies, which would rehash the original story and even bring back some characters, who would now all be very old.  As I worked out the details, I realized few would relate to what I was attempting to do and scrapped it.

From there, I just started writing and slowly but surely, this took shape…and took the shape of a comedy, or as I like to call it, a big old fat juicy pisser.  I scaled back the pisser elements early on, as I was worried it wouldn’t be posted.  When Josh and Katie got in the water, I really wasn’t sure where this was going, and BINGO…RIP POP BOING…it came to me – a 1 foot long, toothless baby shark on Josh’s foot long member – comedy gold, I was sure.

As I continued, I have to admit, I couldn’t stop laughing and at times, I’d literally have to leave and walk away from it, because I kept reading it over and over and tears were falling from my eyes I was cracking up so hard.  So, I knew I needed to get Maccabee back into the picture and why not have him watching in a tree?  For some odd reason, I enjoy bringing new characters in near the end of my scripts, so Pazia showed up to bring this full circle, by telling of Maccabee’s own encounter with a baby shark.

The dialogue was originally much more robotic and lobotomized, but I tried to change it slightly so that it came off funny in a really dumb way, but not nearly as bad as “No Meat” dialogue.

In the end, I was very happy with the effort….and I still am, believe it or not.  I find it to be hilarious, but I realize my sense of humor is on a different world than most peeps’ is.

I didn’t intend on making a mockery of this OWC and hope peeps wouldn’t be pissed off about it.  If I did offend anyone, in any way, I apologize.  My intent all along was to entertain and hopefully, some got a few laughs and mental images they’ll remember, and smile about in the future.

Thanks to all who read and commented.  If you baled before the end, I implore you to finish the script and see if you don’t find the end just a little humorous.

Quoted from Dreamscale I am resubmitting this in a few as well, as it appears I upset some peeps by putting Pia's name onj teh doc properties, to throw would be haters off my musky scent. Apologies to Pia and Don.

I just wished I was in on the ruse. When you mentioned the doc properties, I remembered that you always do check those. (I don't think anyone else does). I checked the script and sure enough, my name was on it. The writer even used bold slugs! At that time, I had no clue who had written the script so naturally I turned into Angry Bear.  ;D

Sorry Pia.  I should have told you, but I don't like giving myelf away and hoped you would read it.

I only had time to read three. I picked those based on which scripts had the fewest reads.