Reel Tension by Doughboy - Short, Shark - Found footage. A former soldier fights the battle of his life, when he reels in a massive shark. - pdf, format 8)

Very nicely done! Not an easy script to write as it is mostly action but I could picture everything clearly. The title is perfect and I knew right away what this would/should be about and it didn't disappoint. A couple suggestions though.

I know this is a short but as you've written it this is one giant scene. I would have liked to see some cuts where Niles turns the camera on and off on his trip to see things progress. Saying goodbye to the wife and kids, a good inspection of his canoe before he sets of etc. Maybe even have a dorsal thin pop up in the corner of the frame quickly, something Niles wouldn't have noticed but the camera does.

I would say lose the JAWS theme music. It's too perfect and this is supposed to be real. It ruined the moment for me. Maybe put in a different song that could still add irony. Beastie Boys, fight for your right to party? Eye of the tiger? Something besides Jaws. Don't reach for the low hanging fruit.

When the shark bites down on his leg I don't know if SLAMS is the word I'd use for a shark bite.

To your credit I liked Niles. I was rooting for him to actually survive towards the end and though I knew the odds weren't in his favor. Not easy to do in 10 pages. The line where he dedicates this video to his sons is what did it. I knew all I needed to know about him from that line. :)

For what it's worth this is my favorite so far.

Found footage + Hammerhead = good start

First, I’d double check how your page numbers appear. It made me think you’d gone over the requirements.

Pg. 5 Not quite sure about the physicality of the hook gag. If the camera’s on his head, the hook would have to be pretty long to see it pulling slowly from his face. And if it's a full-sized shark hook, wouldn’t the damage be kinda devastating.

Pg. 6 I think the scene would play better without the dialogue at the bottom. In fact, you have a shot at a real good “no-dialogue” script if you wanted to go in that direction.

Pg. 7 Who has the Jaws theme on their Ipod? …I mean besides me.

Niles' final moments lacked punch for me. I was expecting maybe an underwater view of him being dragged deeper and deeper. As is, we leave him mid-battle and see the results later.

Overall, I enjoyed this a lot. Simple. Action oriented. It started to get a little repetitive in places, but it read quickly. I like the ‘TAPPING wedding ring’ at the beginning. Little things like that mean so much without taking up almost any space. Maybe it’s my fondness for the found footage genre, but this is one of my favorites so far.

Congrats on entering the OWC

An excellent idea for this theme and executed fairly well. My one suggestion would be to trim it down a couple of pages since it is one long scene. Other than that, great job here. One of my faves of the bunch.

Format note: wrylies go under the character's name.

Bad sign when you can’t properly number the pages of your script.

The constant CAPPING of words is very irritating.

I’m not seeing much of a story taking place…simply a scene that I fear is going exactly where I think it is.  We’ll see…

Nice of Niles to tell us it’s a rogue shark.

As I expected…actually, pretty much exactly.  1 LONG scene that goes on way too long with very little other than not very well written action prose.

I guess the found footage angle is OK, but I personally hate this kind of flick.

Not for me, sorry to say, but congrats on entering.

Only one I've seen of this bunch to use this technique. I think I like it.

I'd agree with Dreamscale about the Rogue line. It jarred compared with the rest of your story.

It does feel a bit too predictable. Particularly seeing as you had scope for other characters.

It reads quick but it felt a bit long for what it was. It dives straight in. Different scenes at the start or perhaps other story elements may have added more tension.

Nevertheless, pretty damn good, all things considered.

R

Found footage :) Nice angle on the challenge I guess. These things are tricky to pull off. I wasn’t sure at first if Niles is the only one out there and we are working from his helmet cam only. If so, some of the things in the descriptions we would not see. I tried to read on for story without worrying too much over the found footage POV.

A shark on the line! Nice. I had a friend who would shark fish from a kayak, and he told me  a story of being pulled by a shark once! This story and your character, Niles, sort of reminded me of old Curtis, my bud.

OMG a fishing hook in the face! Nice. (Am I sick?)

Some of the dialogue, in my opinion, was unnecessary:
NILES
It’s rogue. Holy shit.
NILES (worried)
All he knows is how to kill.
NILES
Nature is one tough Mother.
**Give me action over dialogue, especially since this is found footage.

I dig the hook in the face, then the cut foot from the bottles. I dig the tension and action, but not the dialogue in this until he talks to the camera near the end.

I have to admit, I sort of saw the end coming on this. I did enjoy reading this. It was easy and fast to read. Good entry.

I reckon this author entered 2 scripts as the caps all over the place are like a script I just read before. And the software font looks the same too lol.

Neat concept but wasn't quite able to produce the goods, although a rewrite with perps suggestions would do wonders.

Had a good feel about it so I give it a 6

Another script where the margins are off, too many words in one line, probably so you could fit everything into 12 pages. Not a good start.

Cliche as all found footage title cards. No good.

"This is NILES, our point of view." What? What's this supposed to mean?

"He enjoys the view, as he talks OFF-SCREEN." How can he talk off screen? He's right there on screen. Is this a pisser? Ohhh, yeah, my bad, this is found footage. Strange that he's talking to himself, very normal. Ignore the comment above.

Why did that scene take so long? It achieved almost nothing. Why not just skip to him catching the shark?

"Anxious and swearing." And what? Is he blabbing out profanity or... ?

Niles should seriously shut his trap, he's actually so annoying. Who even talks to the camera like that? It's almost like he's trying to put on a show but it feels so damn fake.

I have no clue what's happening with the arcs and second rods and the lines, very convoluted, needs to be clearer.

"NILES
Nature is one tough Mother." He didn't actually just say that?

Your format is the exact same as the other script with the incorrect margins. Is it the same writer? Why write this in word when there are plenty of free programs that do the same thing online?

"NILES (O.S.)
How hairy is too hairy?" I don't... What?

"NILES
FUCK YOOOOOOOU!" Brilliant.

Sorry, but this is so damn shallow and lacking any depth at all. It's just some fat guy (that's what I imagined him as) trying to fight a shark for 13 pages. Like, there's literally nothing else to it. You could tell the same story in 1 page. Obviously doesn't sit right with me. I'm not sure what all the hub hub is about really.

Too many CAPS.

Too much talking to himself. Page 6, at the moment, is particularly bad.

Honestly... there are way too many CAPS in this. Really distracting.

Code THRAM

Thram? Seriously? What is with these cartoon sound effects? I actually can't be bothered to read the rest. Too many CAPS, unrealistic dialogue and now cartoon sound effects have finally pulled me out. If you want your writing to be taken seriously, stop CAPPING words unnecessarily and in no way ever utilise cartoon sound effects unless you are actually writing a cartoon.

This is in the vibe of 127 hours or the latest - Gravity.
Not for me - I couldn't survive neither - but yours is short and an easy read.
You pulled of Niles character very nicely - he sounds appropriately dumb and foolish to take a risk like this for the sakes of a film - I guess that's just what you wanted.
Overall, nicely done, I think.

I was hoping he would remain alive though:)

I’m not a fan of horror found footage films (I did enjoy Chronicle). I think for the most part they are lazy and copy the same formula.  I reckon they think that making it look ‘real’ will make up for sloppy writing and amateur production values. However I’ll try to put aside my personal feelings for the sake of this challenge!

Ugh – Title cards – Do we really need a title card which basically tells us all the main character(s) are going to die? They are on all these found footage things. In my humble opinion you don’t need the title card.

Wow – I really enjoyed that. I am pleasantly surprised!

I think some of the dialogue could be cut or re-worked, it doesn’t work in some areas but works really well in others. I like how you let us know he’s an ex-soldier for example, after all anyone can wear army dog-tags as jewellery. That aspect and his links to his family explain why he tries harder to catch the shark than most people who would have quit several pages earlier. I really believed he would carry on for as long as he did thanks to the way you wrote it.

The Jaws music on the iPod, part of me loves that but it really wouldn’t work; it’s too cliché.  

I was rooting for Niles and was hoping he would survive, again the found footage cliché that the main character is doomed is proven true. A challenge here would be to have such an intense encounter where Niles survives and we believe it.

As it was I thought he was going to go in the shark’s mouth and be eaten while his headcam captured it all in all its glory. Gruesome I know but it would tie back to a couple of similar deaths in the JAWS films but told from a unique perspective; and it would be cool.

That was exciting, well written and captured the spirit of Jaws perfectly. Well done, one of my favourites for sure.

Well done, a great OWC entry. Anyone who disagrees is just wrong ;-)

Mark

A little long in the tooth, no pun untended, but probably the most entertaining script I've read so far.  Some funny parts.  Should probably stop capitalizing so much, but other than that, I enjoyed it.  Nice work, clever title.

I have to say that I've never been a huge fan of "Found Footage" stories but I was kinda digging this. Great job with Niles. Felt like I was with him the entire time. The pop ups with the shark attack would look great if this were to be filmed. The ending was solid, nice touch with the severed hand washing up on the beach. Overall, one of the better entires I've read so far.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Found footage - not a bad choice

MP3 - plays jaws...really

One problem with OWC is that we all rush reads and unless it keeps your attention you drift off. Too much shark this, shark that did that to me.

Difficult to say what to fix other than make it shorter and mix it up, like goes out with a buddy, straps to his head and has to swim etc

All the best

Hey,

I like that you seem to know about what you write. I mean the fishing. It's entertaining even if I haven't got a clue how to fish.

Good vibe of self experience. Reminds me to Into the blue or 127 hours, or especially this Herzog "Bear Docu". Yes, it feels so idiotic to fish for shark with a canoe. What an idiot ;-). The tension of the upcoming problem is nice.

Good last picture. The concept is well-chosen. A lot of action. So who won the civil case?

You should have trimmed this to 12, better 10. There's partly too much description of every action. It's appears partly repetitive, the monologue could be cut down too. Nevertheless, it's another good script concerning the theme: how we could careless lose our lives. Don't try this at home...

POV felt a bit confusing at first - like you were going in and out of it... might help if you had a couple of 'looking downs' etc.

Your (yells) needs to be a wryly.

"He gulps the beer, watching it..." Little things like this put the read off, as we can't see his eyes, so it'd just disappear etc.

There's a few too many CAPS on display here.

I got a bit confused on which rod he was working with on p5. as you go from 'side-rod' to 'side-reel' - I thought you meant the side reel on the shark-rod.

I think the beer should have been noted - he grabs one, that's okay, but later they start clanging against one another, so there's a bunch of them.

Aside from those gripes, the writing itself looks pretty good.

Okay - noted the rogue bit. Tick for that, but very expositional. And, I wondered, how does he know? I think a line like that would be better right after the shark raced for the boat, else it seems like he's guessing at just the right time.

"He looks to his BLEEDING foot - SLICED from the broken glass." I wonder if this could be worked in better? It's a past action, and might have been good to see - maybe have some glass stuck in it as he tried to pick it out - in a script as pared down as this, minor things like that work well because they become big challenges.

p8. You effectively intro a new character - you could have had Niles speak to camera early on with a quick 'Hi honey' bit, as this later dialogue would sit a little better.

Okay - now we get the glass shards out of the foot - all the tension's gone..? On him cutting the line -- maybe a hestitation fist, some fight with it, the line suddenly moves etc - just ways to use the dynamism a bit more.

The camera FALLS of the helmet. --off the helmet.

Good idea - though - and I liked the one-on-one nature of all this. It gave it a good stark feel, a good one-on-one fight. I also liked that Niles survived - I got to a stage at the end where I thought, and then he dies - which he didn't, so nice that this one's different.

The dialogue was a bust for me, but maybe Niles forced a little showmanship during the video too.

I will say one thing about this script I thought was brilliant. Knowing that this is pre-disclosed found footage, great job with Niles and cutting the line away. It puts the reader into a safe place for a moment, creating tension that moves the story forward.

What a great technique to ponder: whenever predictability begins to peak, take the reader away from it so predictability becomes anticipated, not expected. I learned something cool!

Good effort,

Johnny

what I liked:

Basically well written. Easy enough to get through.

I can see where the FF concept would be tempting here, however...

what needs to be worked on:

Quoted Text This. Is. Impossible

...and that's pretty much the problem.

FF is cool...but a HUGE challenge for reasons everyone knows. I imagine this is the writer's first attempt at it. And he found himself wondering, for example, how do we show the shark kill the guy?

This led to the writer having the hat floating in the water...just happens to be filming the action...even as it sinks. And that's the problem with found footage.

I'm also not too sure about trying to catch a shark, which ways hundreds of pounds, in a canoe. I'm no sea man(cue the jokes!)...but is that remotely possible?

Not a bad effort on the dialogue, but needs a ton of work.

Quoted Text All he knows is how to kill.

Stuff like that crosses into weird. Which happens whenever we crank out a script, so to be expected for OWC. But needs to be mentioned.

16. Reel Tension - A former soldier fights the battle of his life, when he reels in a massive shark.
Brief -

Characters to Animate/Voice - 2
Niles, Hammerhead underwater
Scenes to Build  - 10
360° Helmet cam POV ocean around boat + sky (9x), underwater
Accessory Visual - 22
Fishing pole 2x, pole to holster, beer, baits hook, casts, seagulls flying 3x, reel spinning, Niles reels in, caught fish, shark fin, shark tail, beer bottles, bleeding face + fingers + foot 3x, line cutting, oar paddling
Accessory Audio - 9
Ocean waves, rock music, beer opening, reel free spinning out, reel clicks to stop, waves against canoe, bottles smash, camera thrust underwater, oar/hull bangs

Genre & Marketability - Action Adventure
Script format - Good
Comments  -  MAN! Making that 360° scene from down/level/up is gonna be a PITA! I can do it, but MAN is it gonna be a hassle. I do NOT know how to make that line zip back and forth - as much as I want to do it. Hmm… I’ll have to think of a way to do that. I’m gonna ditch the underwater bleeding fish bit on pg4, will think of a simpler solution, like just having them on the side of the canoe.
     Alright, by page seven I’ve given up hope of being able to do this with the animation skill set and tools I have available. It’s just beyond my skill level. Sorry. Hope you understand.
Producer hat off, reader hat on: Well… That’s a nice big budget twelve minute short you got there. It’s a good story - for a novel. But… uh… how is anyone going to actually film all of this shark activity without spending thousands on water props or CGI?
Final word - Pass. Unproduceable for any sensible budget. It’s a great story, though! Great use of a single location and basically two characters, but… eh. Can’t do it.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 12.6          Screenplay Pages
= 126/189     Total Build Hours Time Cost

Thanks everybody for taking the time to review this short. I really do appreciate it, eh.

I'm glad a few of you seemed to like it and had fun. I was also suprised this scored so well on Ray's spreadsheet. Thanks for all that analysis. Along with a lot of good suggestions, this really helps inform the craft, for me.

I wrote 2 entries, so time was sparse. This one, I just wanted to sell the simple concept: shark attack. Low budget, so 1 on 1. Found footage format keeps it cheap too. I just wanted to give 10 minutes of excitement.

It was challenging to convey character without seeing the guy, without any other characters, and without a voiceover. I'm glad some liked the simple images I tried to tell backstory with. Like dogtags and wedding ring tapping.  Obviously I had to cheat with some dialogue to himself. To develop some emotion with wife and child. And convey stupidity of war, be it soldiers or battling mother nature.

I agree I went a bit overboard with on the nose dialogue. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. Stylistically, I also over capped. It really stood out once I noticed it mentioned by so many. It was a different style I was testing from previous OWC. Sparse. Tense imagery. And too many sound fx. Hehehe. Whoops.

On the whole, I'm pleased with the entry and glad it was pretty well received.

Thanks again guys and gals. These challenges are always a lot of fun. Each element, from the parameters to writing reviews.

If anyone liked my reviews I'd gladly swap feedback on features and the like. I take my time, so if you're patient, I'll try my best to help out from structure, to entertainment,  to thematic developments. I really do enjoy each element of film.