Reel Tension by Doughboy - Short, Shark - Found footage. A former soldier fights the battle of his life, when he reels in a massive shark. - pdf, format

Very nicely done! Not an easy script to write as it is mostly action but I could picture everything clearly. The title is perfect and I knew right away what this would/should be about and it didn't disappoint. A couple suggestions though.

I know this is a short but as you've written it this is one giant scene. I would have liked to see some cuts where Niles turns the camera on and off on his trip to see things progress. Saying goodbye to the wife and kids, a good inspection of his canoe before he sets of etc. Maybe even have a dorsal thin pop up in the corner of the frame quickly, something Niles wouldn't have noticed but the camera does.

I would say lose the JAWS theme music. It's too perfect and this is supposed to be real. It ruined the moment for me. Maybe put in a different song that could still add irony. Beastie Boys, fight for your right to party? Eye of the tiger? Something besides Jaws. Don't reach for the low hanging fruit.

When the shark bites down on his leg I don't know if SLAMS is the word I'd use for a shark bite.

To your credit I liked Niles. I was rooting for him to actually survive towards the end and though I knew the odds weren't in his favor. Not easy to do in 10 pages. The line where he dedicates this video to his sons is what did it. I knew all I needed to know about him from that line.

For what it's worth this is my favorite so far.

Found footage + Hammerhead = good start

First, I’d double check how your page numbers appear. It made me think you’d gone over the requirements.

Pg. 5 Not quite sure about the physicality of the hook gag. If the camera’s on his head, the hook would have to be pretty long to see it pulling slowly from his face. And if it's a full-sized shark hook, wouldn’t the damage be kinda devastating.

Pg. 6 I think the scene would play better without the dialogue at the bottom. In fact, you have a shot at a real good “no-dialogue” script if you wanted to go in that direction.

Pg. 7 Who has the Jaws theme on their Ipod? …I mean besides me.

Niles' final moments lacked punch for me. I was expecting maybe an underwater view of him being dragged deeper and deeper. As is, we leave him mid-battle and see the results later.

Overall, I enjoyed this a lot. Simple. Action oriented. It started to get a little repetitive in places, but it read quickly. I like the ‘TAPPING wedding ring’ at the beginning. Little things like that mean so much without taking up almost any space. Maybe it’s my fondness for the found footage genre, but this is one of my favorites so far.

Congrats on entering the OWC

An excellent idea for this theme and executed fairly well. My one suggestion would be to trim it down a couple of pages since it is one long scene. Other than that, great job here. One of my faves of the bunch.

Format note: wrylies go under the character's name.

Bad sign when you can’t properly number the pages of your script.

The constant CAPPING of words is very irritating.

I’m not seeing much of a story taking place…simply a scene that I fear is going exactly where I think it is.  We’ll see…

Nice of Niles to tell us it’s a rogue shark.

As I expected…actually, pretty much exactly.  1 LONG scene that goes on way too long with very little other than not very well written action prose.

I guess the found footage angle is OK, but I personally hate this kind of flick.

Not for me, sorry to say, but congrats on entering.

Only one I've seen of this bunch to use this technique. I think I like it.

I'd agree with Dreamscale about the Rogue line. It jarred compared with the rest of your story.

It does feel a bit too predictable. Particularly seeing as you had scope for other characters.

It reads quick but it felt a bit long for what it was. It dives straight in. Different scenes at the start or perhaps other story elements may have added more tension.

Nevertheless, pretty damn good, all things considered.

R

Found footage Nice angle on the challenge I guess. These things are tricky to pull off. I wasn’t sure at first if Niles is the only one out there and we are working from his helmet cam only. If so, some of the things in the descriptions we would not see. I tried to read on for story without worrying too much over the found footage POV.

A shark on the line! Nice. I had a friend who would shark fish from a kayak, and he told me  a story of being pulled by a shark once! This story and your character, Niles, sort of reminded me of old Curtis, my bud.

OMG a fishing hook in the face! Nice. (Am I sick?)

Some of the dialogue, in my opinion, was unnecessary:
NILES
It’s rogue. Holy shit.
NILES (worried)
All he knows is how to kill.
NILES
Nature is one tough Mother.
**Give me action over dialogue, especially since this is found footage.

I dig the hook in the face, then the cut foot from the bottles. I dig the tension and action, but not the dialogue in this until he talks to the camera near the end.

I have to admit, I sort of saw the end coming on this. I did enjoy reading this. It was easy and fast to read. Good entry.

I reckon this author entered 2 scripts as the caps all over the place are like a script I just read before. And the software font looks the same too lol.

Neat concept but wasn't quite able to produce the goods, although a rewrite with perps suggestions would do wonders.

Had a good feel about it so I give it a 6

Another script where the margins are off, too many words in one line, probably so you could fit everything into 12 pages. Not a good start.

Cliche as all found footage title cards. No good.

"This is NILES, our point of view." What? What's this supposed to mean?

"He enjoys the view, as he talks OFF-SCREEN." How can he talk off screen? He's right there on screen. Is this a pisser? Ohhh, yeah, my bad, this is found footage. Strange that he's talking to himself, very normal. Ignore the comment above.

Why did that scene take so long? It achieved almost nothing. Why not just skip to him catching the shark?

"Anxious and swearing." And what? Is he blabbing out profanity or... ?

Niles should seriously shut his trap, he's actually so annoying. Who even talks to the camera like that? It's almost like he's trying to put on a show but it feels so damn fake.

I have no clue what's happening with the arcs and second rods and the lines, very convoluted, needs to be clearer.

"NILES
Nature is one tough Mother." He didn't actually just say that?

Your format is the exact same as the other script with the incorrect margins. Is it the same writer? Why write this in word when there are plenty of free programs that do the same thing online?

"NILES (O.S.)
How hairy is too hairy?" I don't... What?

"NILES
FUCK YOOOOOOOU!" Brilliant.

Sorry, but this is so damn shallow and lacking any depth at all. It's just some fat guy (that's what I imagined him as) trying to fight a shark for 13 pages. Like, there's literally nothing else to it. You could tell the same story in 1 page. Obviously doesn't sit right with me. I'm not sure what all the hub hub is about really.

Too many CAPS.

Too much talking to himself. Page 6, at the moment, is particularly bad.

Honestly... there are way too many CAPS in this. Really distracting.

Code THRAM

Thram? Seriously? What is with these cartoon sound effects? I actually can't be bothered to read the rest. Too many CAPS, unrealistic dialogue and now cartoon sound effects have finally pulled me out. If you want your writing to be taken seriously, stop CAPPING words unnecessarily and in no way ever utilise cartoon sound effects unless you are actually writing a cartoon.

This is in the vibe of 127 hours or the latest - Gravity.
Not for me - I couldn't survive neither - but yours is short and an easy read.
You pulled of Niles character very nicely - he sounds appropriately dumb and foolish to take a risk like this for the sakes of a film - I guess that's just what you wanted.
Overall, nicely done, I think.

I was hoping he would remain alive though

I’m not a fan of horror found footage films (I did enjoy Chronicle). I think for the most part they are lazy and copy the same formula.  I reckon they think that making it look ‘real’ will make up for sloppy writing and amateur production values. However I’ll try to put aside my personal feelings for the sake of this challenge!

Ugh – Title cards – Do we really need a title card which basically tells us all the main character(s) are going to die? They are on all these found footage things. In my humble opinion you don’t need the title card.

Wow – I really enjoyed that. I am pleasantly surprised!

I think some of the dialogue could be cut or re-worked, it doesn’t work in some areas but works really well in others. I like how you let us know he’s an ex-soldier for example, after all anyone can wear army dog-tags as jewellery. That aspect and his links to his family explain why he tries harder to catch the shark than most people who would have quit several pages earlier. I really believed he would carry on for as long as he did thanks to the way you wrote it.

The Jaws music on the iPod, part of me loves that but it really wouldn’t work; it’s too cliché.  

I was rooting for Niles and was hoping he would survive, again the found footage cliché that the main character is doomed is proven true. A challenge here would be to have such an intense encounter where Niles survives and we believe it.

As it was I thought he was going to go in the shark’s mouth and be eaten while his headcam captured it all in all its glory. Gruesome I know but it would tie back to a couple of similar deaths in the JAWS films but told from a unique perspective; and it would be cool.

That was exciting, well written and captured the spirit of Jaws perfectly. Well done, one of my favourites for sure.

Well done, a great OWC entry. Anyone who disagrees is just wrong

Mark

A little long in the tooth, no pun untended, but probably the most entertaining script I've read so far.  Some funny parts.  Should probably stop capitalizing so much, but other than that, I enjoyed it.  Nice work, clever title.

I have to say that I've never been a huge fan of "Found Footage" stories but I was kinda digging this. Great job with Niles. Felt like I was with him the entire time. The pop ups with the shark attack would look great if this were to be filmed. The ending was solid, nice touch with the severed hand washing up on the beach. Overall, one of the better entires I've read so far.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Found footage - not a bad choice

MP3 - plays jaws...really

One problem with OWC is that we all rush reads and unless it keeps your attention you drift off. Too much shark this, shark that did that to me.

Difficult to say what to fix other than make it shorter and mix it up, like goes out with a buddy, straps to his head and has to swim etc

All the best