Fridge Feeder by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A desperate woman turns to technology to help her diet, but the tech has other ideas of how to help. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This one was rather cute, kudos.  :P  Admittedly, I don't know how I'd feel about it if I was touchy about my weight - because this script does "slightly* imply that weight issues are all one of willpower.  But I still enjoyed the read on its own merits.  And it didn't go exactly where I thought it would; another plus.

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

This started well. It looks rushed. Could do with a good once over.

The tone was great. Very amusing in parts.

I like beats in songs. Not in scripts.

Sadly I didn't buy the end as much as Wonkavite.

I think there's great potential here but the idea needs work and improving on. Even so, it's a damn good effort and pretty bloody funny.

Fridge Id?

R

OMG I really love this short! Some of the dialogue could be improved a bit, but this was a great little read! Great work, writer!

One typo also...a forgotten 'MARY' before one block of dialogue.


ALF
But they have delivered them?

Oh yes, but they are wrong again,
there’s four bags this time!

This is pretty good and would be relatively easy to produce - one major actor, one automated voice and one delivery guy. Btw, I'd call the fridge guy something other than FITTER, that just didn't sit right imh.

'decanting the shopping'? Hmm, I know it may appear I'm being pedantic but this word is usually reserved for pouring wine/liquids.

'Where are they you supercilious
automaton!'
Made me laugh, great line.  ;D You could do with a comma after 'they' btw.

Speaking of same, be aware of lack of punctuation in some spots i.e., lack of period on page 9. and commas in some places, and I'm not sold on the 'silence' repeated or the 'beat' repeated in her telephone call... but not a big deal.

ALF
Yes, when I asked if you wanted the
last ones sending back and you said

This needs an em dash (-) inserted or a colon after 'said', because Mary's recorded line cuts him off.

A description line in between would suffice, otherwise.

'Flies around Mary’s body buzz indistinctly.'
Really? I would think that fly buzzing would be quite distinct.

The ending was a little bit of a let down for me, however. I really liked the setup in the beginning and assumed Mary was going to have some kind of battle of wills with the automaton, and perhaps a less linear narrative.

I like Ren's idea for the title Fridge (ID) too.

Some amusing lines in this one and a nice idea. Well done.

Code MARY Yes Dad, it’s here now. Beat. MARY I know. Beat. MARY Yes of course. Beat. MARY (exasperated) Dad, I know what willpower is, and I know it’s only a fridge. Shorter beat. MARY No Dad, I am not coming back home! Beat. MARY Ok, ok, sorry too. Beat.

The above takes up a lot of space. Pauses in dialogue would be better left in dialogue, not taken to action. So something more like this:

Code MARY Yes Dad, it’s here now. Beat. I know. Beat. Yes of course. Beat. Dad, I know what willpower is, and I know it’s only a fridge. Shorter beat. No Dad, I am not coming back home! Beat. Ok, ok, sorry too.

I find the above easier to read. It would also be easier to write and looks more aesthetic. All my opinion of course.

Code Mary crosses to the fridge and starts to tap away on the touch-screen console.

Some 'starts and begins' are OK. You overuse them. In the above instance it would be better written:

Code Mary crosses to the fridge and taps away on the touch-screen console.

Keep an eye out for things like that on run-throughs for brevity.

Code MARY Yes, it’s the fucking doughnuts! Where are they you supercilious automaton!

The above line of dialogue sounds like something out of Red Dwarf. 'supercilious automaton'. Took me right out of her character and sent me somewhere else. The swearing is fine. It's just the second bit. Seems like too great a shift into comedy. And that isn't where I'm meant to be going, is it?

Alf talks for too long in places. Too human-like... too much emotion. You should make him colder, more matter-of-fact-like.

Story fell a little flat for me. I expected more from this. I don't feel this story fully explored the subject matter in the way it could... but it is a shit-hot premise. You could craft this into something great. At the moment the tone is all off and it doesn't deliver as it should. I want to read more of your views on fatties. I agree with you, it is about will power... even the ones that lie and blame it on an illness. Fat doesn't come from nowhere. I'd like to see more of that deniability in your story. Also, rather than feeding her, the Fridge should help her, but she is her own worst enemy. So sneaking food behind the fridge's back, and being worried about the chastisement from the fridge. The fridge could lock itself, shit like that. Take it serious... but it will be funny in an ironic, satirical way. This could really become a work of magic if played right.

I like your work, Anthony. You just need to invest more time in your stories. I can see you doing very well at this. Good luck.

Oh yeah... I forgot about the fridge instalment scene... way too long. I think you could come straight to the workman removing the packaging and leaving. No dialogue needed.

WOW - thans all for the great feedback, typo's and punctuation will be tidied up accordingly.

In terms of story sepcifics...

Janet - Weight issues, agree willpower isn't the only thing, but it's the bit that Mary (and her Dad) has decided to focus on with what she thinks will help her.

Rendevous - thanks, will be looking to review in light of all the feedback.

Pigs - many thanks and thanks for the typo spots.

LC - Fitter, will fix, Decant - yep you are right, will change. Commas and punctuation, thanks will amend. Re ending, I avoided a battle with the fridge as it wasn't where I wanted it to go and I thought it may be a little too much like Demon Seed if I went that way.

Dustin  - Thanks as always, formatting - consider it fixed ;-), automaton line, is supposed to lift out of her normal character as she's in essence stressed by not been able to feed her additction. Alf is meant to be empathetic, he over orders donoughts to make her happy rather than maliciously (story sort of inspired by Robot & Frank). So totally agree it could go a different way, one to ruminate on... fitter scene, probably right... for me key was to introduce the fact Alf is AI ready and that she has a donought problem... will revise down a little.

Once again - thanks to all for the support and feedback.

Anthony

Anthony,

Love the idea -- just not so keen on the execution.  Like LC I was expecting a battle of wills between Mary and Alf.  Overall it felt like this lacked conflict -- and laughs that can play from that.  Alf felt a touch too human -- I get the AI angle, though there could be more fun in Mary arguing with a machine that ‘thinks’ only in black and white terms.

What’s to stop Mary from simply stepping out for more doughnuts?  Alf could really be replaced with some bumbling Ocado type delivery guy or smart-app with similar results.  What Alf does have is the ability to withhold food from Mary at inopportune times -- again, raising the conflict.  Take this with a pinch of salt though -- just one opinion is all.

Hope this isn’t off-putting -- it’s a simple and effective idea, one you could come at from a number of angles to see what works best.

There is something darkly comic in the ending.  I just didn’t feel quite so invested along the way.

‘They will have doughnuts Mary’  -- did give me a chuckle.

Best of luck with it.

Steve.

Hi Steve - glad you liked the idea and it made you chuckle.

You're right there are a number of angles to come at this (and most scripts) from, so one I will be ruminating on.

My short Terminal Z now has two versions thanks to feedback on here, so I'm definitely open to alternate opinions.

Thanks for the feedback.

Anthony

Pleased to say that Fridge Feeder was just annouced as a finalist at FilmQuest Film Festival's screenwriting competition.

Thanks to all for the feedback on this script, made for a stronger final draft.

Many thanks

Anthony

Well done mate.

Grats Ant,

Gj and gl.

Fridge Feeder is a good title, I like it.  It stood out on the portal and that's a great thing.  It means I'm clicking on that thread first to see if there's a really good script to be read.  Maybe you can bump up the conflict a bit by having the fridge have special computer locks that prohibit Mary from eating excessive amounts of food, so now Mary has to convince the fridge to unlock and let her snack on more food.  Think of Glengarry Glen Ross, when Jack Lemmon's character has to really, really convince Kevin Spacey's character at the end.  When a character really, desperately needs something from someone/something else or it's their ass, and that someone/something else ain't having it, you will have a scene that will hold your reader/viewer in the palm of your hand.  That being said, the idea of a talking fridge and the final images of the flies swarming around Mary's bloated, donut smeared body, make for a creepy little short.

Thanks for the read deadite and the alterate suggestion, one to ruminate on as I keep tinkering with it.

Cheers

Anthony

Thanks to all for support with Fridge Feeder, it came in as runner up in the FilmQuest Short Screenplay competition over the weekend.

Anthony

Well done, mate.

You started that feature yet?

Excellent news, Anthony! I liked this script a lot - did you change it much from the original script?

Thanks both,

Dustin - just got some index cards to start working on the structre for the feature, my potentially ambitious target is to have a fullfirst  draft down by end of October. It's a horror comedy that crosses Scream with Theatre of Blood - well hopefully.

LC - Yes I changed quite a lot based on the notes from everyone on here, fingers crossed I can find someone to film it now.

Anthony

Perhaps you could produce it yourself? It's a huge buzz making a film.

Anthony

First off, I’ve read a couple of scripts from you on here lately and I’m happy to say that there seems to be progression on this one from a technical standpoint. It’s more concise and clear, less awkward phrasing so kudos on that.

The dialogue too, in comparison to “Above The Fog” for example, reads much more natural and realistic...and then I realised you posted this before that so I dunno. :P This reads better anyway, in my opinion.

I like the central concept too of the AI endowed fridge with wifi capability. Possible not too far off in the future or is there already one on the market? Nothing surprises anymore.

MARY
Ok, ok, sorry too.

- Do we need “too” at the end?

“Mary is purring louder than Alf.”

- This made me laugh.

“Oh yes, but they are wrong again,
there’s four bags this time”

- Missing Mary’s name on top.

“Mary leaves the bags on the floor and starts immediately on
the doughnuts.”

- Ok, it seems like the donuts and Mary’s willpower is becoming the focus of the story so I wonder could you show more struggle. In other words, some body language to suggest a degree of guilt on her part. The first time, fair enough, they got the order wrong she gets two bags instead of two donuts, gives into the urges and eats them all, we’ve all done it ;) The second time when it’s four bags, we should see her wrestle with her appetite and conscious. Something tells me that Alf is intentionally screwing up her order to test her resistance, the title suggests this too so I’d like to see some reaction and fight on Mary’s part.

Instead, after she repeatedly tries to convince herself and Alf that she doesn’t want anymore, she just drops her shopping and tucks into them without any remorse as the quoted line above states. This indicates little progress in the character and it becomes just a repeat of the previous scene with the two bags of donuts.

MARY
Yes, it’s the fucking doughnuts!
Where are they you supercilious
automaton!

- I love the phrase “supercilious automaton” it reads great but I wonder would it work as well on screen within this piece? It seems to come out of nowhere, out of sync with the script’s language up to now. It’s like something from a Victorian novel or the mouth of a Coen Brothers’ character.
     
ALF
Yes, when I asked if you wanted the
last ones sending back and you said
“Sending” should be “sent”

- This ties in to what I was saying about Mary’s apparent lack of will power or even acknowledgement of it. Can she be so schizo in that after mistakenly getting the four bags and saying she doesn’t want anymore that she’d go lose her sh?t like that when there is none delivered the next time?

I mean, is she that blatantly contradictory? Maybe it’s because she lives alone, has no one to answer to so she’s afforded these lapses of reason by herself. I wonder is she losing her mind considering she’s that delusional. Or is the fact that Alf is only a machine she thinks can say what she wants and get away with it without repercussions…? Although his voice playback function undermines that.

Either way, it’s difficult to discern how stable minded Mary is as we don’t really get an insight into her.

I like the seemingly benign, always-at-your-beck-and-call nature of Alf. It reminds me a lot of HAL from 2001: and Gerty from Moon. You just get the feeling that behind the friendly, submissive exterior lurks something darker, covertly manipulative maybe.

Mary’s pigging out is reminiscent of the first murder in Seven too, although your character does it all too willingly. Nicely disturbing image though of her blue lipped, bloated corpse on the floor complete with donut remnants protruding from mouth!

It’s hard to tell by the end if Alf is actually a well meaning fridge freezer or did he intentionally lead Mary along by her gluttony and exploit that weakness. I detect a commentary underneath in regards our own insatiable hunger as a race, whether it be food, technology, comforts or otherwise, it’s an interesting angle to explore.

However, as I said already, I wanted to get more from Mary’s character, I wanted to see her struggle, wrestle, whatever with her temptations. She falls for them all to easily in my opinion...each time. I think you could inject some tension there between woman and machine, a less straightforward arc, you know. Even partial realisation from Mary, maybe she fights back, doesn’t succumb to her urges until Alf presents a new dangled carrot i.e. iced donuts or some other item of shopping that’s equally  appealing and unhealthy which Mary can’t deny. As it stands, she falls right into the trap (if it is indeed one set by the inscrutable Alf!) again and again…and then she dies, game over. I know you probably want to say something about her (and our) nature with this but I think some development and nuance in the Mary character would go a long way to strengthening it.

Anyway, big improvement on the writing front and a cool main idea, well done.

Col.

Hi Col

Thanks again for the read and excellent feedback - really appreciated.

- Glad you are seeing progression, and despite where they appeared on SS you've called it right - this is a more recent script (Above the Fog one of my first).
- WiFi fridges, yep already exist, LG make one, sure there are others. Think the idea is you can order shopping from it... so not too far from my concept.
- Yep Hal and Gerty definitely in here but actully more inspired by Robot from Robot and Frank (great film!)
- So in my view ALF is just trying to be nice, sees the one thing that makes Mary truly happy and tries to get her more, and more and more.
- Supercilious automaton, intended to be out of character for Mary, it's her breaking from the passive dieter... like a smoker getting grumpy when trying to quit - I do love the line though ;-)
- The message/theme I am going for is that gadgets can't be better than willpower, and may do more harm than good - Mary's mistake is to believe that ALF is THE solution to her issues.
- She is a shut in, so there is definitely an implied mental issue but I wanted it to be subtle and not deliver an easy answer.
- Mary's death - definitely had 7 in mind, also the movie AUS movie Feed.

Once again, great feedback, will makes some tweaks at the weekend... hoping that the runner up at FilmQuest will generate some interest!

Anthony

Happy to say that I've sold this to a student film maker from the UK.

Looking forward to seeing it sometime next year.

Anthony

Well done mate, hopefully they do something good with it.

Anthony,

I liked this one very much. You have us thinking Alf is going to antagonise Mary, that he's going to withold food from her, and then you sneak in the down ending. Good little bit of audience manipulation.

Written well, clear, concise. The repetitiveness of Alf's speech works well with the repetitive scene (Mary coming in and eating doughnuts).

I would say that your opening could have been jazzed up a bit. A bit too convenient to have Mary set up the story while talking to the installation guy.

I see you've sold it, so well done mate.

Could very well be a companion piece to 'Phil and the Kettle'.

Greg

Fridge Feeder has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer (it didn't get made by the film student!).