Noah's Arc by Marilyn Pesola - Short, Drama - A man's girlfriend is a direct link to his dead wife. - pdf, format 8)

Okay - some thoughts Marilyn - all just my opinion of course...

I think the logline needs expanding and if you stick to the same payoff in the story then I'd also make the logline more sublte as it is it tips off the ending.

Why are they on a couch that's been pulled out? I think a simple couch works just fine.

Careful with consistency in the story, e.g. early on Noah tries to take her blouse off, she doesn't let him but later she puts on the blouse, sans bra - implying she's naked - when you tell us she doesnt want to be naked.

Things like Two Weeks Later need to be shown as a SUPER rather than in the slug.

Some (bit only some) of the dialogue is a little on the nose, have another read through.
e.g. Almost. I’ll wake up fully if you show your naked self to me. Otherwise, leave me be.
Could be
Almost, strip for me and I might wake up.

The ending is too telegraphed for me, I saw it coming and it seems a little twee - I wonder if you'd be better setting the audience up for this payoff and the pulling the rug out from under their feet. E.g. Aimee was a nurse who saw him when Ginny died and has 'stalked' him since.

Promise here but needs some more work.

Anthony

Hi Marilyn,

I agree with most of what Anthony says. A couple more comments:

- The flashbacks with Noah and Ginny are nice, but then there is a lot of telling without showing. Maybe you could cut some of Noah's monologue on the death of his wife and child if you combined it with a montage of more flashback clips.

- Normally, Noah would have called an ambulance right after Ginny called him, no? Or maybe she could have done it herself, being able to use the phone. I think this would work better if there wasn't any phone call and Noah simply found Ginny dead. But you could also use the contrast between her first happy call (after she found out she was pregnant) and this one.

Interesting idea, which could benefit from a rewrite.

Manolis

Hi Marilyn.

First off I enjoyed this, I genuinely thought it was just going to be another affair story, so good twist.
At first I thought Noah was a bit of dick, coming across as a sleaze wanting to see Aimee naked and being distant from her for the wrong reasons, acting like she was just a bit on the side or whatnot.
Perhaps he could come across more gentle and broken, bringing in that sympathetic character earlier?
I've seen this story before, 21 grams I believe.

Nice read

Lee

Marilyn

Lots of “telling” and not enough “showing” in the prose.

“They’re lost in each other until Aimee pulls away and says”

- I would never write “and says” it’s unnecessary. The  following dialogue is self evident.

Use actions to convey how a character is feeling instead of spelling it out for us. For example:

“That pulls the plug on Noah. He looks away from her,
distancing himself from her.

- Could be rewritten simply as: “Noah pulls away for her, avoids eye contact.”

AIMEE
Never, so quit asking.

- Noah, you are 30 years old, dump this frigid bit?h now! ;)

“Aimee puts her head on his shoulder and falls asleep but
Noah lies awake, remembering...”

- Jesus, that passionate moment sure passed quickly. Just like that she was turned off. See above note for what I think Noah should do with this woman. ;)

NOAH
Hi. Someday you’re going to be my
wife.

- Hell of an opening line. I must admit it made me laugh. I can see why he has trouble with woman as suggested in the opening scene with Aimee.

Although, in the very next scene he’s with Ginny and the montage indicates he knew what he was talking about so fair play to him, he's a confident chap.

NOAH
(groans)
You mean I have to forgo drinks
with the guys?

- I know it’s only the second page so I don’t really know Noah’s character that well but would he use the term “forgo”. It reads awkward.

“Noah is deep in memory mode,”

- The term “memory mode” gave me chuckle. I wonder could you replace it with “thought” reads more natural. Not a big deal though.

NOAH
Almost. I’ll wake up fully if you
show your naked self to me.
Otherwise, leave me be.

- Again, I’m laughing at the phrasing, very odd but amusing in its own way. Is it your intention to have Noah talk in such a stilted manner like this?

“Aimee grabs her sweatpants, yanks them on, puts on her
blouse, sans bra, her back to Noah.”

- I thought she won’t get naked around him? This tells us she was topless.

AIMEE
You’re carrying a torch for someone
else then.

- Another example or rather on-the-nose, unnatural dialogue, in my opinion. Aimee has just been soundly rejected by Noah after confessing her love…twice. I just don’t believe she would use language like this given the situation. Again, perhaps you are going for laughs.

NOAH
If it’s any consolation, something
about you grabbed me, too. And not
in the crotch, either.

- Ok now I’m convinced you are going for humour. It’s just the story has dramatic weight with the flashback and the news Ginny had for Noah which we’re not told explicitly but can surmise it caused the end of their relationship. It seems like Noah is harbouring pain but the tone of the script is all over the place, from humour to drama so I’m finding it difficult to get to grips with it.

NOAH (CONT’D)
Four years ago we decided to have a
family. Everything was fine until
she went into labor. She called me
at work, weak and scared, and told
me to come home right away. There
was a wreck on the freeway ... it
was an hour before I got home. I
found Ginny lying in a pool of
blood. The baby’s head was the only
thing that had come out. I could
tell that it was dead. I called an
ambulance. Ginny was unconscious
and barely breathing. The
paramedics had to pry her away from
me.

- A prime example of what I’m talking about. This is a very tragic, horrific back-story, totally out of step with how Noah was talking to Aimee and the script’s tone in general. It feels like it comes from a different story. Things have gotten very serious all of a sudden.

AIMEE
What a burden you’ve carried.

- True, it is a horrendous ordeal for Noah to have gone through and I see why he is so afraid of being told “I love you” but it still doesn’t justify the manner in which he turned Aimee down. Did he have to be so rude about it? If this were a comedy I would understand but the script has moved into serious drama territory in the last page or so.

NOAH
I didn’t know if it was a boy
or a girl. I found out later it was
a girl.

- This reads contradictory and a little silly. Maybe just say:
“I found out later it was a girl.”

AIMEE
I was the heart patient! I was in
that hospital waiting for a new
heart on April 17th!

- No way. Too coincidental, sorry not buying this “twist” at all. It has some saving grace in that it’s set up with her mentioning the scars but it feels so contrived.

I think this needs a lot of work. You’ve got the makings of a story, some moments of humour but the biggest problems are tone and the dialogue which is woefully on-the-nose and clunky at times, so much so that I thought you were being funny. However, the last third of the script gets very real so I took it that you weren’t.

Also, it suffers from a rather fuzzy message. I mean, what are we supposed to take away from the ending? Because Aimee has Ginny’s heart he is going to love her now? That’s just creepy and Aimee shouldn’t want to be with this guy if that’s the case.

Col.