A Bag Full Of Loot by Jared Hampton - Short - A travelers bag is stolen and everyone who comes into contact with it seems to die for this bag full of loot. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Jared.

A few things that distracted me.

- the cliche "good cop bad cop routine". Seriously, this has been done to death and has reached good enough to spoof status.

- there are no indicators of day or night in your slug lines. The interrogation room is fine as there is usually no windows, but everywhere else? You'll need em.

- passive language. A lot of -ing's in your action lines.

- direction in the script, BLATANT direction. You have a scene where you mention the audience...this is a negative for you: the writer. Direction is for the director and dop.

I stopped when I saw that you mentioned the audience in your script. Will finish later.