Not exactly a logline... and there is a grammatical error. Not a good start. Oh well, it's only four pages, what can go wrong?
Well, here are your first few words:
Who sees him? You don't make any mention of anyone watching his actions so I can only assume that you mean the viewer. Joseph is seen by the viewer. You don't need to point out the fact that the viewer is seeing something. Just write what is on the screen. Joseph walks through the front door.
Actually, your slug is wrong as well. You have him undressing in his home, but where in his home is he?
Code JOSEPH is seen getting back from work undressing in anger,
murmuring to himself. |
|
How do we know he has just gotten home from work? Maybe he's wearing dirty work clothes?
Code He is undecided on what to eat for
dinner, he goes back and forth from the refrigerator to his
couch. |
|
You need to make a new slug for each room of the house as each would require a new set. You also shouldn't tell us he is undecided. Simply show us what is on screen. He going back and forth from the couch to the refrigerator is enough to show his indecision.
Code His phone rings it’s a call from mom. |
|
Distinct lack of commas in your work, but I can live without those. You're also telling us something again. It's a call from mom. How do you SHOW it's a call from mom? Show don't tell.
Code MOTHER (V.O.)
All right I won’t force you but
remember were here for you if you
need us. Okay? Love you. |
|
Same grammatical error as your logline...
we're.
Code JOSEPH (V.O.)
Have you ever had a dream, so vivid
that for a moment it was real. I
[b]use[/b] to think death was something I
was ready for simply because [b]dieing[/b]
would be the only exciting event I
would look forward [b]too[/b]. So I
welcomed death like a cold winter.
You don’t want it but you’re tired
of the hot summer. |
|
Typos:
used, dying, to.
That's enough for now, you may not even be around.