The Story of Us by Christian Turner - Drama - 20-something writer Nick Johnson is commissioned to write a novel based on the lives of his friends and decides to do so in secret.  62 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Christian,

Thought I would give your script a read, here are my thoughts and opinions.


"We fade into the lobby of a busy office building as professional types file in and out of various elevators, entrances and exits."

This is uncomfortable to read IMO. You don't need 'we fade into' Nor do we need the lobby. Your scene heading tells us where we are.
Don't direct the scene, describe it.

For example:

"A busy office building full of professional types" Something like that.

"Among the hustle and bustle, we find NICK JOHNSON - 25, a good looking guy if only because he’s currently dressed to the nine’s in a dapper suit - entering the building."

Again this reads awkwardly. Try to avoid words like "we" and "see" etc. So this sentence becomes -

"Among the hustle and bustle, NICK JOHNSON, 25, good looking and tailored with no expense spared, enters"

Just something like that.

"The ding of the elevator is heard and the doors open. Reggie doesn’t say anything and exits the elevator. Nick watches as she walks into the adjacent office and the elevator doors close."

You don't need "is heard" maybe just simply write "ding" or the elevator dings.

Also, I don't think you really need to tell us that the elevator doors are closing, it has no significance to the scene and it really isn't exciting to read.
Keep things minimal and interesting.

These are just a few of my thought and opinions of course.

Lee

Just to let you know a page count of 62 will probably make the producer toss this aside right away. A feature length film is 90-120 pages typically. You might get some leeway on the lower end for horrors and comedies, but even than it's a gray area.  

Right now this doesn't technically constitute a script, unless you want to market it as a short story, but it's too large for that. Find areas of your story that's under explained, or underdeveloped and expand.