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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Bark
Posted by: Don, November 10th, 2014, 11:43am
Bark by Ben - Comedy, Dark Comedy - Reaching his breaking point with an elderly neighbor's unruly dog, a popular children's book author hires an amateur hitman to steal the rambunctious pet, precipitating mishaps, murder and a clumsy cover-up attempt. 104 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), November 10th, 2014, 2:28pm; Reply: 1
Your logline puts me in mind of a Tom Sharpe novel. You've got a couple of typo's in your first couple of pages.

Ferrates when it should be ferrets. Interestingly, ferrates is actually a word.

Code

Howard leans stooped shoulder against the office wall...


Reads awkwardly. Maybe... ah feck it, like this: Howard leans, shoulder stooped, against the wall.

Omit 'office' as it is already in the slug.

Code

Mid 30s, with everyday, middle-guy looks.



Not good enough. I like the later description where you describe him as being shabby. I find that far more interesting than middle-guy... whatever that actually means.

If you're around and make a post I will read your entire screenplay.
Posted by: DS, November 22nd, 2014, 11:27am; Reply: 2

Quoted from bjamin
I went ahead and posted an updated version of the first 12 of 98 pages.  They can be found at:  http://issuu.com/bentucker/docs/bark  


Page not found.

I'll take a look once you fix the link. ;)

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