Hey Frederick gave the first few pages of this a read, a few thoughts...
Some of your action blocks are a little odd, a bit passive and too staccato almost, e.g.
Garbage cans. Discarded debris. And two sewer RATS that
scurry between the shadows cast by the FULL MOON hanging in
the clear night sky, nibbling on whatever they could.
Could be better as
Two sewer rats scurry between the garbage cans and the discarded debris, nibbling on rotting food as they find it.
Sort of thing...
It's okay to occasionally captitalise things that you want to emphasise but best to use relatively sparingly. Also there's no need for it to be 'Rats' in the middle of a sentence, should be 'rats'.
I think you are trying to hard for word variety, which is admirable, but it doesn't scan well with rat and rodent, cat and feline swapping around all the time. Also once you've named Jay
it looks odd then referring to him as the Patron.
I got a bit confused too... Jay and Colin are white nd Jay at least is rich (or his parents are)? Their dialogue therefore seemed a bit off, stereotyping sort or inner city gang member type words... this may be on purpose but could/should be explained, e.g. wanna be drug dealers, Jay is putting it on as an affectation and Colin calls him out for trying to be gangsta.
Of course I'm from the UK so this might be me that's just not got an ear for LA dialogue.
I read further but I kept getting distracted by the above issues, spelling errors etc.
I think this needs another read through and a polish.
Anthony
You can read & comment on my latest...
Bump in the Night -
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416179287/Graft -
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1416751412/