Code FADE IN:
EXT. UNKNOWN LOCATION IN AFGHANISTAN, WITH A SCENIC VIEW OF SAND - MORNING |
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Too much information in the slug and it doesn't actually say anything. I still have no idea where we're meant to be. I'm assuming from scenic view that the scene is set in the desert. So what you should write is:
EXT. DESERT - DAYSUPER: AFGHANISTAN
Code We HEAR the sound of whirling helicopters off in the distance. |
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Why have you placed 'hear' in uppercase? It isn't necessary to cap sound effects any more and even if you want to they should still be actual sound effects. You also don't need to write what we hear. Simply write what is, like so:
The sound of whirling helicopters off screen.
Code Five soldiers are SURROUNDING a fallen comrade,
Private JOHN MCMILLAN. |
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Again, there isn't any need to place
surrounding in uppercase. The sentence also isn't as active as it could be:
Five soldiers surround a fallen comrade,
Private JOHN MCMILLAN (age).
Code CLOSE on John's arms. They're not there. |
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You're doing the camera directions wrong because it isn't your job to do them. A DP makes a shot list that will take care of all of that. Luckily us writers really only need to understand one job. Writing. Concentrate on that.
Code FADE OUT SLOWLY TO DARKNESS, FOCUSING on John's face, which is filled with
agony as his eyes look to the sky. |
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What else would he look to the sky with? Somebody else's eyes perhaps?
Code FADE IN:
INT. A BUS TERMINAL WAITING ROOM, POSSIBLY FROM THE 1930'S -
FILLED WITH SHADOWS. |
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Possibly? Again too, way too much description in the slug that yet again is designed to make us guess. This is a screenplay, a visual medium. Write in images.
INT. BUS TERMINAL - NIGHT