Apple by June Stahl - Short, Drama - When a boy learns something about the humble apple, he wonders if it could change his life for the better.   8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Apple

I'm curious what he's going to learn about an apple...

Is that true? I assume not, and he just died of an asthma attck?

Aha, For a second I forgot it was about urban legends ie - weird theories

I quite like the idea of the boy trying to do the mothers work, or seeing out her intention, and by accident succeeding. But once I finished I found this a little unsatisfying

I think the way it was set up was a little obvious but it probably has potential to be given some extra bite and focus.

For example, he could say to his daughter that he once thought they were, but they can be bad luck, thereby setting off another legend.  Just a thought

All the best

This one was fairly well written, but the story left me a little cold by the end.

The fact that the Paramedic revealed that the pips caused the asthma attacks, made no sense....because they don't, urban legend or not.

Just a bit bland, overall, I'm sorry to say.

Okay.  This has the seeds (no pun intended) of a solid short script.  It needs a *touch* of polish IMO, but that's easy enough to do.  In terms of the OWC - it's probably reaching a bit to call "apple seed poison" an urban legend.  Though it's on Snopes, so I guess that counts. And I did see where this was going from the minute "poison" was mentioned.  But that's rather unavoidable...  :)

I really do think you need to make the Dad even more abusive to justify the actions and the ending.  After all, we're talking murder here.  You want the situation to be so completely dire that we don't end up losing empathy for the protagonist!

Too simple for my tastes, usually countered by having a short script. Not the longest script here, but I wouldn't call it short either. George doesn't really seem like a dick, I mean the bruises imply he hits them but we never really see it. He just yells at them and such.

Which brings me to the next point. The overuse of cliche tropes like the abusive husband. There needs to be more meat and especially some more depth, which the script is currently lacking. The execution just feels lacklustre and uninspiring unfortunately. Could be better.

As I go...

When you use "SUPER", whatever follows is what will be onscreen, so, you don't need the quote marks, nor do you need to skip a line.

Uh oh...the dreaded "whilst" - a "word" that should never show its ugly face in a screenplay.

If you use parentheses around your age description, you don't needs a comma as well - either or, but not both.

"Sat on..." - Oh man, another heinous phrase that shoudl never, EVER be used!!!!  OMG!!!!!  ARGH!!!!  Run to the hills!!   :( :( :(

George sure seems like a wonderful man!  LOL...actually, comes off way too cliched immediately.

Some missing commas here and there that actually caused me to haev to read some lines several times.

Personally, I loathe cheesy similes, and you've already used a few.

Page 4 - "...creeps out of the door" - awkward.  You know why?  Because of the inclusion of "of".  Lose it.

"noone" - no one

The End.

Well, nothing reotely interesting here, sorry to say.  It's telegraphed so early on and there's literally no surprises, no action, no nothing.  Will be forgotten very, very quickly.  Writing isn't too bad, and it's fairly clean though, so I appreciate that.

The script is pretty well written, although I didn't feel like I was reading an urban legend story. Just seemed more of a "battered family member takes revenge" piece.  I even searched online for the urban legend about apple pips (or are the pits?), but didn't find anything.

Still, the story is a quick breeze to read, not a lot of fluff in it, and you get the ending you expect.  Would be pretty easy to film, I would think, as there aren't any special effects to worry about.

Pretty good job here.

Gary

Quoted from Gary in Houston I even searched online for the urban legend about apple pips (or are the pits?), but didn't find anything.

I guess it's this one: http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/apples.asp

My thoughts - all completely subjective:

Looking at the urban legend, I definitely didn't think there was anything good to spin out of this one, but the irony of a bollocks story told to a child actually coming to fruition by coincidence is still a pretty impressive place to take it. Creative work here.

While the situation of domestic abuse really already is black and white enough, I thought the script was still trying too hard to show how black and white it is. The overly cute dialogue, perfect or perfectly evil characters. The script almost feels like a strong advocate for killing off an abusive father and that's just the wrong message. Either way, the clear lack of subtlety took me right out of the story. This one wasn't for me.

I thought generally well done. Somehow I was expecting a line of dialogue that read "rotten to the core" somewhere along the line :)

There are way too many exclamation points! Maybe it's a writing trend that I am not familiar wiht - but this is like the 5th script I've read that was full of them.

Clear- concise descriptions. Dialogue was fine - a pretty good effort.

SPOILERS

This script is a neat little creation, sort of a murder as a teachable moment.  There's something wonderfully precise yet excessive in the descriptions from the first paragraph on -- we are guided into a little world that seems in danger of destruction and in danger of survival.   Made me think of puppet theatre.

Annie tells her son she'd been told that apple pips are poison, fully aware, we soon find out, that her son is attentive and obedient, almost programmable.

It's odd that the villainous George is entirely dependent on his inhaler.  To the audience, George is going to seem easy to kill.  And the audience will be quietly alarmed that "easy to kill" came so easily to mind.  

Still, Annie guides Joe to think he has the power to poison George.  And Joe sneaks in, sets the trap and waits.  Ah, The Mousetrap, that play-within-the-play in Hamlet, with puppets.

Very clever, creepy writing.  Nicely done!

I don't know what UL lies in the center of it but I really liked this.

I think it's simply Excellent.

George is a cardboard character and that's my only reservation. The Mom and Joe are excellent. And I really liked the ending. Very nice.

Yes, they are poisonous - I've heard that. Not that it's a real poison but that's what people say - don't eat the seeds, they have some kind of acid that's not good for you. I'd also say "poisonous" to a kid to make him stop.

ANyway, I liked the pay off and all. Nice job here.

Writing style:
Can't complain except for "with all the gusto of a builder loading a cement mixer with a shovel." which I thought was too much.

Dialogue:
Simple enough. But the last lines: "Trust me I know" were an over kill. As a matter of fact the whole last scene seemed unnecessary for me.

Character:
I felt sorry for Emily but you didn't go hard enough on her. I disliked her husband but not enough. You should made the encounter far more intense. If you want to  portray an evil character, you need to show the peak of his evilness. And if he's gentle, it's the same. Never go for half-measures when you shape your characters in front of us.

Story:
The story was easy to follow, but it lacked stakes. There was no thrill. No mystery. I knew the kid was going for the pips to use them against his father. I wished that you surprised me. The storyline had no twists or reveals that made this story worth telling. Not enough drama too.

Overall:
Like I said. It was easy to follow. You can write a story without losing the reader attention, but your story must be worth holding it or he would be disappointed by the end.

I thought the UL regarding the apple pips was that a tree would grow in one's stomach? Oh well, it would have been more fun to go the the tree growing route, but poison will have to do, I suppose.

Code The cough begins to subside.

You could drop 'begins to' from the above and pluralise 'subside'.

Code Annie looks at him, completely devoid of emotion.

Emotionless says 'completely devoid of emotion', but does it in one word.

Code She looks down at Joe by her side and her sweet smile returns. She smiles lifts him up and sits him back on the worktop.

She smiles while she is already smiling. Going to need an edit. You also don't need the word 'down'.



OK cool... so the dad chokes to death and isn't poisoned, but the pips might as well be poison. Pretty good if a little bland. Not a bad job.

I remember a Sherlock Holmes story about pips. Might have been orange pips. Don't remember whether poison played a part.

I like c m hall's observation (above) regarding Annie's part in this. And the fact that the pips didn't actually kill George. They just set things in motion.

I notice that Joe and George don't interact. Was that intentional? I can see what the reason might be. if George abuses Joe, that might be interpreted as the boy's motive. This way, it seems clear he's doing it for his mother.

I'd like a little something else at the end. I'm not sure what.

Pretty well written though the tale is a little too straightforward and ccould do with some sort of twist or change-up at the end.

George feels a little caricaturey, could do with some more depth, and a better explanation for Annie leaving unexpectedly (at least it seemed unexpected).

I know the apple seeds cannot kill people so would query how much of a UL this really is, but I'm fine with poetic license, just would like a better death.

Anthony

APPLE

Interesting legend. Never heard about it. The execution as a script was doubtless the best so far, imo.

So, it's a social drama; I simply don't know if the plot's exciting enough to justify a shooting. The blueprint is fine, it just seems this apple's pressed out completely.
Maybe I feel so because the theme domestic violence could need a modern effort that actually helps and educates families how to behave effectively in our times with regards to nowadays science. Just a serious theme for using it as a fairytale imo.

Good job.

I liked this with the bittersweet ending.

Revenge from the 7 year old, although not too sure how apple pips bring on asthma... I guess it was an Urban Legend.

The writing was clean and the script was enjoyable.

Now stylishly desgined -- designed

Nice work

Urban Legend apple Pips

In spite of George's cliched introduction ("Where's my dinner!") and that Emily and son have no early concern with him coming home (he had just came from the bar) this short script was actually for the most part  working for me until page 6, anyway. That's when "30 years later" happens, and older Joe talks to his daughter about the pits and ends with "I know".

This suggests that Joe, for thirty years, has believed he killed his abusive, drunken father with apple pits, not his father's bad health due to drinking and smoking. In addition, it suggests something slightly sinister. While I seriously doubt his mom would leave him alone with his abusive and sick father, the setup is understood. He believes he had a hand in his father's death.  At his young age, that is fine. as an adult, it isn't. It is best left to a child's imagination and grief.

Yes, grief.
Yes, George was abusive. Yes, George was drunk., Yes, George was a chain smoker.

George also was sick
George is still Joe's father.

What I'm getting at here is that the story lacks any emotional punch. It isn't revenge. It isn't tragic. It's arbitrary.

There are formatting issues at play here, but they may be a case of rushed writing or actual form. Either way, it didn't really distract from the read. I'm sure, with a proper polish, it could look nice. The story was cute, if familiar. However, you'd have to eat a lot more than four seeds before the cyanide actually kills you. It's the same as thinking that swallowing four pills will make you OD. In that case, try rewriting it where he maybe blends up about a hundred of them into a powder and pour it in. That could be a bit more believable.

C+.

There isn't really any urban legend here because apple seeds do in fact contain minute traces of arsenic, just not enough to kill an adult.  So, this tale played out pretty much exactly like I thought it would from page one, the little boy kills the father to save his mother.  But the fact that the paramedic seemed to instantly know that George died of an asthma attack brought on by choking on the seeds?  That seemed like quite a stretch.  There were no twists or surprises, just a straight up vengeance tale.

Smart story that painted a good picture of Joe's young life. The true reason for George's death remained a mystery; not really nailing down that pips poisoned him due to the cough set up when George first entered. Mentioning the auotpsy established suspense in the fable however that suspense was not played out so the ending was anti-climactic for me. While I get that Joe heard the medic talk about pips and that perpetuated the legend, the final scene has Joe saying trust me, I know, so in Joe's mind the poison legend stuck. It just didn't stick in my mind and I think there is a bit more twist available here.

Nice opening with Joe and Annie – When the husband arrives, and even though you’ve set it up – you still groan – not one of those stories about an abusive husband. Let’s see where you take this…

“flicks the butt into the sink full of dishes.” Impressive flick from the doorway unless of course the sink is beside the doorway?

Yeah, this dialogue is already well trodden ground and I’m losing interest.

“(to herself)

God, I really wish you were dead sometimes.”

Does she mean this about George or herself? Seems odd to say this in front of Joe.

Some little niggles with the writing, but it’s been good overall.

You really don’t need to describe every room now – we get that they live in a rundown house and are short of money.

“A PARAMEDIC stands talking” A PARAMEDIC talks… It’s kinda of understood that he’s standing unless it’s vital to the story that you tell us because we may think otherwise. There are a few examples of this in the writing that I’ve picked up on. It could be tightened is what I’m saying.

I’m worried now – without Geroge, this story has lost all the threat for our characters, or should we be worried that they might investigate Joe?

“It’s tragic what just a couple of apple pips can do.” I’m confused? Did he choke on the pips or was he poisoned by them? How would the paramedic know he was poisoned by apple pips?

Is it right that Joe smiles at the death of his father. Yeah, his father was abusive but he’s a murderer now. I don’t know if the message is right for me here, there’s protecting and just plain killing – I know, the urban legend but still. If the opening had been more violent other than demanding his “damn dinner” then I might be able to get behind this but, it seems over the top for what’s happened.

Yeah, my comment above goes a long way to how I feel. I feel the opening with George needs to be more strong and violent to pull this off. At the moment, it doesn’t work for me. The whole thing felt forced to me, show abusive husband and then kill him off. Show an older Joe, who smiled at the death of his father, share the story of pips with his daughter. Did this kid really feel no guilt over this event? If only human emotions were so easy – this needs work for me. It needs to be expanded and the characters need some work.

Your initial description of the room, first you tell us is squalid and outdated...then you show us. That's repetitive. Just stick with the showing. You did a good job with that. From your visual description I got squalid and outdated. Trust your writing. :)

Leaner writing could be practiced throughout. Example...A frail looking boy, his arms are covered by a multitude of small bruises.

I think the story here is good. What didn't work for me was the dialog. None of it felt natural. It was stiff, forced and in some places expositional.

Nice work for one week though.

Well, written and sort of well told. I think this one would be easy to film.

IMO, you went a little too far with the despair. Even the toy soldier only had one leg. I can understand what you were going for, but it felt slathered on. I think it would work better if you toned down the despair and made George a little more abusive instead. If I recall, he and Joe never even said a word to each other. Also don't think Joe should smile when George is dead. That makes him seem sort of like a psychopath rather than a kid who tried to save himself and his mother. I think a 7 year old kid would be terrified to realize he just killed his dad. He wouldn't be smiling about it.

It was also very predictable. We can tell where this is going from page one. Still, for a one week effort, I think you did a GREAT job.  :)

Nicely written. I liked it overall but was expecting a little more to happen.

After Joe listens to his dad coughing from the garden, I thought he was gonna go inside and find his mum beaten to death because his dad thought she slipped the pips into his drink.

I wasn't completely satisfied with what did happen, seemed a bit of a stretch. But I did like the way you set up that George had chest problems in the first place. Makes it a lot more believable.

This was pretty good , if a little straight forward. There were some subtle details that I thought I picked up on, but I’m not sure if they work together. It did seem a little like Annie was guiding Joe with the pips, but if I’m not mistaken it wasn’t poison that killed George he pretty much just choked. So either Annie’s innocent or she doesn’t know better either.

One last little thing. On page 3 she says, “God, I really wish you were dead sometimes.” It’s only her and Joe in the room there, so I worry it would look like she was saying that to her son.

I did like the epilogue. Nice little touch.

Turn off your program's unnecessary “Mores and Continueds” feature.
A “cute” semi-soft horror story.
No OTT sights, wife and child abuse more than adequately suggested. Strong message without being gruesome.
This is great for a Lifetime Channel audience horror short.