Saliva by Milton Mamet - Short, Horror - A young women finds out that she may have shared the first night in her new house with a complete stranger. - pdf, format 8)

I'm pretty sure I got this one, at least what you were going for. The hunter was sneaking into people's houses and killing their dogs so that he could teach his son to be a better hunter? I was really hoping the two stories would join together a little cleaner, but that's okay. Nice little twist on an old legend, but I wish there were a little more story and a little less Darren, if you know what I mean. That phone call took up way too much of this short script.

C.

The second of these that I've read, and it seems that at least one emerging theme for this OWC shall be bad parenting.

For eight pages, this also seemed to go on for quite a bit.  Darren certainly overstayed his welcome, and the way this story plays out, I am not sure he was even necessary.

The bookends with Billy were certainly intriguing, but I am not sure how they are supposed to fit in with the story proper.  More is implied than told with that connection, and it could use a bit of clarification.

A few spelling choices betray this as an author from overseas.  The writing is smooth for the most part, particularly the beginning and end, but the payoff in the middle actually made me chuckle a bit as opposed to reeling in horror.

I'm not sure you did get it, Sean.

The killer is the child. The end is just showing the origins of his behaviour.

That's how I read it, anyway.


The story was well written. Like I'm seeing in a lot of these stories...the good stuff is coming from the urban legend itself. All the tension and interest comes from the original story.

The new stuff is just expositional...telling us who did it. It's relatively interesting, but lacks any dramatic interest as the story has already finished.

Good effort for the challenge. Lacks cohesion as a standalone script.

Rick

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I'm not sure you did get it, Sean. The killer is the child. The end is just showing the origins of his behaviour. That's how I read it, anyway.

You're probably right. I had read it as the dad killed the dog then threw the body down in the basement for his son. Like I said, I liked it, but I wish it were a bit more coherent.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde You're probably right. I had read it as the dad killed the dog then threw the body down in the basement for his son. Like I said, I liked it, but I wish it were a bit more coherent.

Oh I see....maybe. I thought the dog thrown into the basement was the dog that was shot in the opening scene.


I thought the part with the son was set in the past and it was showing how his Dad had taught him to cut up dogs.  Maybe I'm the one who is wrong.

I certainly have no idea what urban legend this is based on. I'd maybe have a better review if I did, sorry. That said, I'm just going to judge the script itself.

Overall, the only parts I get close to liking are the beginning and end. Even then, not my cup of tea. I don't feel this is that much of a Horror, but I get that this type of script is difficult to categorize. The incident is horrific but everything else is pretty lacking on that front. I had the same problem with my entry if I'm being honest.

Really didn't like Darren and agree that he stuck around much longer than was needed. I think you could have stripped it way down in length. The story itself could have been wrapped up quite nicely within 5 pages in my opinion.

Nothing overtly bad about this. Just not appealing to me, sorry.

Well written in terms of format, style et al - but frankly, I got lost in terms of the story. Was there a relationship between the kid in the beginning and Darren? I didn't see the connecting thread between the two.

Great title.

As I go...

"in need of a good wash" - awkward and strangely worded.

Comma useage is terrible early on, sorry to say.  Looks like the writer doesn't know how to use them, which isn't a good sign.  Same for apostrophes.   These kinds of mistakes look just terrible and make me want to bail.

"shack-like house" - again, very oddly phrased.

lays/lies - oh boy...writers need to have an understanding of "writing".  So easy to learn...

I'm sorry, but Page 3 and I'm gone.  So much unnecessary info about Lola, whoever the fuck she is.  Nothing is going on here, the writing is poor, and that's all I can take.

First one for me.

A pet peeve of mine...  One woman.  Two women! Women is plural!

Minus the misuse of the word women, the writing was fine for me. Easy to read and zipped on by.

Story wise, I was less impressed. It was way longer than it needed to be to tell this little tale, IMHO. For example, skip the whole newscast thing. Unesessary dialogue in that piece that does nothing for the story itself. I think it would work better if Lola was watching a horror movie instead of news. That way you automatically get the spooky sounds from the movie going and that helps us put us in the right frame of mind for a horror film.

The conversation with Darren is also longer than needed. Cute, but too long for a short story.

The story with Billy and Ed didn't really go well with the story of Lola and Darren. I honestly didn't really see the connection. I understand the part with Billy and the dogs, but didn't get why the puppy was beheaded. Seems unconnected to me.

You know how to write, so concentrate on story telling. That''s the weakest point in this story. Cut the fat. Trim, trim, trim. Make the two stories more related to each other. Try to work on the horror factor. Suspense and more spooky atmosphere would help this become a horror film.

:)

Didn't I read a similar title to a line in this script? Read the urban legend online just then, it was written in a paragraph too, and this page goes on for 7 pages. Not entirely sure I understood all the craziness with Billy and Ed either, and looking at the other comments, nobody really knows either. That's a pretty big problem if I had to say so myself. You also dwell on on the face time conversation for way too long.

A decent effort, hard to connect the dots though.

Well written... mostly. An edit or two will see it perfect. The story isn't all that.. but what urban legend is. Not bad. I'd still pass, but not a bad effort. At least it wasn't all exposition.

Okay - masterfully written.

But it seems like you have two completely separate scripts, here.  At least as far as I can see, there's no point at which Lola and Billy's stories merge.  And just having a killed dog in both isn't enough.  This feels like it's a setup for something a lot longer, like feature length.  It just doesn't work as a stand alone.  And if you're going to describe something as horrific as a puppy getting decapitated... you really need a full fledged story to justify it.

PS: Having gone back and read the other readers' debate on the issue, I see where perhaps it IS supposed to be Billy under the bed - with his origin bracketed before and after the "present day" scene.  I still don't think it works.  There's no reason for Billy to be under Lola's bed to begin with.  You don't tie it together thoroughly enough for it to smoothly connect.

So - my verdict - WONDERFUL writing, some of the cleanest in this OWC.  Didn't think the scenes pulled the story together at all.

I have a feeling this might be two UL's. It def feels like two separate stories. I don't see how they connect.  

I found Ed and Billy's story way more interesting. Lola and Darren...I thought went on too long and I never felt any tension there. Not sure I understood what happened at the end of Billy & Ed's story but maybe if you had just stayed with them, it would have felt complete.

I agree with everyone that the writing is top notch. The story just needed more focus and clarity, IMO.

An interesting one.

Having a dog-killing nutcase bookending the script certainly piqued my interest. I'm not sure about who actually killed the Akita; Ed or Billy. I'm assuming it was Ed, seeing as Billy was the friendly one who actually tried to get some kind of emotional attachment to the stray dog in the first place. But then why would Billy be happy at having the strays body thrown down along with the knife? Seems quite a jump.

The writing was pretty easy on the eye, apart from the overuse of comma's at times. I didn't have much of a problem with old Darren and the facetime business, as I like dialogue and lots of it.

Nice.

Thought the writing was decent in this one, at least in the Lola half of the story, but the two halves didn't connect strongly enough for me.

Enjoyable if not a tad unnerving for anyone with a pet dog.

It's a harrowing concept with some decent moments.  I was kinda expecting Lola to wake up and find some crazed whack-job licking her hand or something, but I guess that's another urban legend... or maybe it's in this one but we never actually see it, so it did happen but not to our knowledge.

The way it plays out could join a little easier, as others have said.  But it works as is and delivers.  Perhaps a smoother transition between the past and present could be expanded upon in a future rewrite, if you intend to do so.

salvia

quite a creepy title.

logline is ok, could have a bit more lunch, but has good potential..

milton mamet - that sounds like a high standard to maintain

His eyes begin to well to the sound of thunder and torrential downpour. - i didn't find this very clear

A WEATHER WOMEN - plural!

I know. But I stopped believing you
after the second time.

not sure how relevant that it is, but its a good line (note - actually it is irrelevant as is the Daren character for the majority)

p5 oh the hand lick one..lets see where this goes...

not where we expected, which was good.

the dad boy thing confused me a touch. the scene with the woman and her dog seemed unresolved.

the flashback - was that correct - after all it can't have been her flashback, so who in the scene was having a flashback?  What it was, was an earlier scene with different people.

the single woman in the shack with mad man - ex boy - doesn't do much for me. i think it needed a extra edge, like not in a shack or something

i think there was great potential in her fear, her paranoia - alone, etc but that wasn't really played upon.

sorry, it decent lean writing, but not for me

all the best

My thoughts on the script - all completely subjective:

The opening scene was legitimately creepy and suspenseful as was the ending scene. Despite being sick and twisted, I found those scenes and the boy and his father's characters the most interesting part of the script. I also enjoyed the dialogue exchange between Lola and Darren, good character to it and it was a breeze to read.

I thought there was a fitting dark and twisted tone to the script with good visuals to set it, the shack-like house, thunder etc. I was confused on the timeline for a while. I presumed it was the boy under the bed and I think I eventually figured out that it was all a flashback to his first kill divided into parts for the sake of a twist. I see others were confused as well, maybe this would be more obvious on the screen? Maybe some more clarification for the sake of cohesion would be a good addition? I don't know, but I'd definitely want to see the boy under the bed at some point. The father's motivations were also left unclear, but I for one liked the fact that it was a mystery and we had to figure that part out on our own.

I liked the interesting characters on all sides and the script made me feel something, repulse, while buying into the fact that this situation could be real and there's a young serial killer in the making. I'd say the script achieved what it felt like it wanted to achieve, for me. It took me time to grasp how the timeline worked, though.

Here's the link to the urban legend in case anyone's interested: http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/horrors/a/humans_can_lick.htm

Good luck, writer.

Too many missed connections for me.

A great title that has practically nothing to do with anything. I know it relates to Humans Can Lick, Too, but what does that relate to? What Lola told Darren about the puppy licking? Maybe we should conclude that Darren, jealous of the puppy, is the culprit. He drove over after Face Time, broke in, and...naw.

No, I suppose it's just Crazy Billy, whose father, Crazy Ed, has been trying to teach the boy that one must kill the dog BEFORE you cut off its head and put it on the lamp.

The parallel story lines can't work in just 7 pages. I see that you want to create a back story for the killer, Billy, but it's gonna take a lot more pages to clarify and connect the threads.
You are using flashbacks, but how far back are we going?
Is Billy still 8 years old when he haunts Lola?
As I was reading this, I imagined him older, maybe a young adult. In which case, the opening scene needs to establish a time line.

My suggestion is to stay in the moment and create a twist or two within that frame. Focus on building tension with Lola. Utilize the TV news better. Stay with the story of the "series of gruesome break-ins." Create a news story of frightening proportions about a serial killer with a peculiar MO.

Lola and Darren's conversation goes on too long without a great payoff.
Since they are on facetime, play that up. Darren has already made comments on his observations of her bed. Maybe when Lola drops her hand along the side of the bed, she can hold the phone so Darren can see the Akita Pup. Or whoever is hiding under the bed.

Darren can react with alarm before the phone call loses connection.

You could also retell the UL from the POV of the killer, or Darren. Just a few thoughts to put "your stamp" on the UL.

The writing is solid here, despite the aforementioned grammatical blips. I'm guessing you got in over your head with the Ed and Billy story, and maybe ran out of time before stitching everything together.  As Janet mentioned, if you want to stay with Billy's warped upbringing, consider expanding to a feature.

An attempt to give backstory on the old "humans can lick, too" UL.  But like some of these other entries, great concept, while the execution was lacking.  Opening scene didn't make much sense to me.  Ed kills the stray dog in front of Billy, but I never fully understood why.  What precisely was he trying to teach his son?  

Then, back to Ed and Billy on page 7, there's a very awkward scene transition as Billy pulls out his knife and charges, but then there's a completely new slugline, and then the fight transpires.  Why was the scene change necessary there?  And why did Ed need to slide off his ring?

I was thinking, as Ed dragged Billy down into the basement, he was going to chain him up and treat him like a dog for years on end, hence creating the backstory for the "finger licking" urban legend.  But that's not what happened.

I'm assuming the segment with Lola and Darren happens in the future, with a grown up Billy under the bed.  But, there was really no suspense milked out of the situation.  Darren felt superfluous, like he was there just for Lola to bounce dialogue off of.  And some of the phrasing was very awkward:

"A look of horror kidnaps her face"

Really?  Wonder how long horror held her face for ransom.  

I like the idea here, but the script was very oddly structured and almost completely devoid of suspense.   This one might be worth another pass after the owc.

Saliva

Unfortunately I don't get your intention here.
Is this based on two individual stories? Then, why there's a flashback at all?  The switching was confusing since it couldn't offer the connection it made me want to look for.

The Lola string
The Akita dog's head is on the bedside lamp now and from the wall it reads "Humans Have Tongues Too". Shall this imply Darren was jealous of the Akita pup because he wants to lick Lola's hand like the dog does as he mentioned in the phone call? So, he's the dog killer in this part of the story.........

Then there's the other string with Billy and Ed.

Reads like a ritual animal killer legend but I didn't get a grab for it.

I agree with others that this could be shorter. The big problem is a lack of cohesiveness, though. The bookends don’t seem to have anything to do with the middle other than that a dog is involved. Either the boy or the father could be the killer, or neither of them really. I didn’t see a lot to go on. If I had to guess I’d say the killer is Billy and the backstory explains his hatred for dogs. I think it might be more telling to build a backstory explaining his desire to lick people.

Good first page.
WOMAN = singular, WOMEN = plural.
Hmm… Kinduva odd “Now” + “Origins” mish-mash all-in-one short story.
Other than the OTT gruesome puppy head on a lamp gimmick ::) this would make a fairly decent short horror film to watch.
Handle the time flip-flop well and it’ll be fine.
However, after the fine page one comes pages 2, 3, 4,& 5 slogfests which should be edited down or spiced up; either, doesn’t matter.
And I dunno about the title. I’m really not sold on it.

Writing style:
Good.

Dialogue:
Good. Some smart lines in there.

Character:
I didn't care for any of them. Maybe a little for the kid. But just a little. You didn't shape them up enough.

Story:
I don't understand why you mushed the two stories together. If there was a connection, it went right over my head. I liked the twist on the stray dog plot. "Humans has tongues too" was very predictable and did nothing for me.

Overall:
If you kept the stray dog storyline and expended on it, you could have turned this one into precious little gem.

Good luck.