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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Scripts / The Last Performance
Posted by: Don, February 25th, 2015, 5:33pm
The Last Performance by Christine Whitlock - Short, Comedy - Three costume mannequins create their own final drama on a theatre stage. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: TonyDionisio, February 25th, 2015, 6:18pm; Reply: 1
Christine,
This had potential but I think you rushed the story. I think with a rewrite you can explore the mannequins a bit more.
Was the ruined dress a shot at Bill Clinton? Lol
Tony
Posted by: RichardR, February 26th, 2015, 12:50pm; Reply: 2
Christine,
Most comments would make more sense coming from a dummy. oops, that's me, right? Use with care.
This one lacks a true story. The mannequins don't have any real goal. They have some bit of conflict, but they're not trying to get anything--not even missing parts. Given a story line, what they want and what stands in their way, you might have a workable idea. The opening dialogue needs a rewrite. Think. how many times do you use a co-worker's name? Skip that unless you need it. Andre says 'finished?' and she answers 'a few more minutes.' Andre probably already knows they had a big audience. The info isn't necessary. Andre says 'going out for a pack of smokes. lock up when you leave.' Simple, conversational. And the mannequins come alive.
Keep writing.
Best
Richard
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