Christmas Cards by David M Troop - Short, Drama - An elderly man spends the holidays with his friends and family. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

David,

Comments can be gifts under the tree.  Unwrap them and then decide if they're worth keeping.

I think I have already voiced my lack of support for stories that start with the alarm clock ringing and a morning routine.  Unless there's some story value, why waste a minute of time over details that won't matter.  Does it matter what time he rises, whether he drinks tea or coffee?  Watering the poinsettia is a story detail, but the rest won't come into play.  What really starts this story are the Christmas cards which is a very good jumping off point.

The rest of the story works just fine.  The interplay with Michael works, the taped cards work, the replies work.  I'll buy it.  I might like it better if a group of people do more than just send cards.  Think about whether it makes sense for Michael to lead a group that places more flowers and takes old Walter to Christmas dinner.  Payback in spades.

Best
Richard

Richard, thanks for your comments.

I was trying to convey Walter had a strict pattern he followed every day.  The senior bus picks up at a certain time and Walter has a time table he follows so he isn't late.  It's also common for an elderly person to have a routine.

As far as the ending, I have a tendency to go overboard with the emotional payoff, so I wanted to hold back a little.  Walter doesn't have much faith in people, so I wanted him to be amazed by the kindness of the families of his deceased friends and by Michael coming through for him.  

Sure, there's lots of ways to show this, but I decided to stick with the theme of the Christmas Cards.  

Thanks for the read and the comments.

Dave

Dave,

I enjoyed this one a bunch. It was heartfelt and poignant, perfect for a Christmas tale. I think the cemetery lends itself well here, and adds to the feeling.

Just curious but you used a SERIES at one point. When you showed us the various people initially reading Walter's cards, why didn't you use it again? Or did you feel it would be overkill?

I also felt something was lacking at the end. I think your ending could have been more touching and heartfelt. You had a really good set up, but I think you missed something when delivering the knockout blow. Can't really place my finger on it, but I think it needs a little more.

Otherwise, very enjoyable. Good luck with it.

Steve

Quoted from SAC Dave, I enjoyed this one a bunch. It was heartfelt and poignant, perfect for a Christmas tale. I think the cemetery lends itself well here, and adds to the feeling. Just curious but you used a SERIES at one point. When you showed us the various people initially reading Walter's cards, why didn't you use it again? Or did you feel it would be overkill? I also felt something was lacking at the end. I think your ending could have been more touching and heartfelt. You had a really good set up, but I think you missed something when delivering the knockout blow. Can't really place my finger on it, but I think it needs a little more. Otherwise, very enjoyable. Good luck with it. Steve

Thanks for the kind words, Steve.

I didn't use a second series of shots because I felt the voice overs were enough for the audience to connect to the previous scene.  

Again, I decided to hold back at the end so I wouldn't get tagged for being too mushy.
I thought, with solid acting and some appropriate music, the scene would hit the right emotional notes.

Thanks for the read.

Dave