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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board / Short Scripts / Half The Man
Posted by: Don, March 28th, 2015, 7:06pm
Half The Man by Marqus Bobesich - Short, Drama, Coming of Age - A young slacker ruminates on life, love, and growing up while piecing together elaborate pool mosaics for his affluent clients. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Nomad, April 1st, 2015, 1:39pm; Reply: 1
I'm sure there's a lesson or moral or some sort of deeper meaning behind this one, but it was too disjointed and slow for me to get that into it.
A few problems that jumped out at me:
- No title page or FADE IN:. Now it can be argued that these aren't needed, but I don't like the way it looks.
- There's too much tell and not enough show. You explain too much in voice over and it just sounds preachy.
- You flashback but you don't really show that it's a flashback. As I watch it in my head there's nothing telling me that I'm watching something in the past.
- You don't need the (CONTINUED) at the bottom and top of each page. I can see that it continues because...well...I can see.
- There's so much dialogue that goes nowhere.
- Page 10: Is Tobey showering in Mr. Tsuroaka’s pool or is Mr. Tsuroaka in Tobey's shower with Lea?
You need to have a clear beginning, middle, and end to your story. This one is all over the place with a life lesson obscured by unnecessary dialogue and flashbacks.
Jordan
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