Hey Tony, you're always kind enough to check out my shorts and often even ten from my features. I also believe you do it without bias, which is refreshing. If you genuinely don't like something you will let me know and the opposite is true too. No matter whether I agree with you or not it's just nice to have another facet to think about.
Anyway... I'm a little shocked at the subject matter here. Sci Fi. Maybe my estimation of you is wrong. I had you down as a Christian right leaning t-bagger. I don't mean that in a bad way, as I'm a live and let live type of person. I understand there are people that will think differently to me and I actually appreciate it. So if you're not a Christian right leaning t-bagger then I apologise but not because there is anything wrong with it.
Code The commercial freighter PAX NIMBUS silently drifts among
the bright stars. It’s unremarkable looking and heavily
battered from years of space travel. |
|
I know it might be a little thing but you can't really drift among the stars as each star is a distant sun. In fact, you mostly drift amongst nothingness. It just took me out of the story and actually made me think... does this guy have what it takes to write good sci-fi?
I don't think being battered by years of space travel is unremarkable, indeed you've remarked upon it. Unremarkable is a cheat. I want to know what this thing looks like. Unremarkable doesn't cut it and is a cop out.
I've noted some overwriting. You have a tendency to use 'is' and 'begins' which slow the read. You should know that, so it's probably a style choice.
I've read up to page 18 and am yet to be grabbed by the story. Something needs to happen, like a hook of some description to keep me reading. It could also be that I'm not really a fan of this type of sci-fi, nor of TV series in general.
Reading further and there still isn't anything grabbing me. I'm not suggesting that you do anything to please me but it could be that you should bring something forward. Even going forward to go back again.Seems ther's a lot of talking for very little action. The initial rescue sequence... perhaps that could be spruced up a little? Make it life threatening.
That's all I've got for now. I hope you get some more reads. Good luck with it.