Deal Breaker by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short - A woman sabotages the perfect date when she confesses a terrible secret. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting my first script up here in a while, Don.
While I was away, I learned a lot about the film industry and had some cool meetings.

The producer of Dredd, Adi Shankar, made a huge impact on me.
He told me that to succeed you need to find "true believers" *at your level*.
If you're a writer, team up with directors & producers that get excited about your work.
You'll need them to network as well to get a project off the ground.

That's how this script was born. A director pal asked me to write a simple production.
Ultimately, he signed on for another project of mine that I can't discuss right now.
But now I have this project that I can share here!

Thanks to those that reached out when that Cooties trailer sunk Zombie Playground.
I never would've gotten this far without everyone's support in those early days.
Thanks to Don and SS, I wasn't super butthurt when that trailer dropped. LOL.

Hey Brett - some thoughts, just my opinion of course...

I liked this, was an unusual concept and felt that the tables were reversed at the start and kept flipping thoughout.

The dialogue was good, flowed well and the action was pared back nicely.

There were a few too many asides and unfilmables for my particular tastes, but I suspect this was a specific style choice.

My only real gripe was Alice seemed to be the one creating her own issues here, seemed a little odd that she's the one who reveals the big secret and then sets the 3 question rule and generally gives Louis a hard time... thought this needed toning down or a better explanation.

I assume Alice is named for Through the Looking Glass reasons Nice touch.

Overall I like this.

Anhony

I went in expecting 5 pages and it's actually 10.

I don't think the insert is necessary showing the guys leaving. Would be awkward to film them all and would probably be cut later anyway.

I also think you should swap sexes for this because there's a far larger stigma attached to male sex offenders than female ones. I think switching it around will make for a far larger impact. Other than that a nice story well told. Great work.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hey Brett - some thoughts, just my opinion of course... I liked this, was an unusual concept and felt that the tables were reversed at the start and kept flipping thoughout. The dialogue was good, flowed well and the action was pared back nicely. There were a few too many asides and unfilmables for my particular tastes, but I suspect this was a specific style choice. My only real gripe was Alice seemed to be the one creating her own issues here, seemed a little odd that she's the one who reveals the big secret and then sets the 3 question rule and generally gives Louis a hard time... thought this needed toning down or a better explanation. I assume Alice is named for Through the Looking Glass reasons Nice touch. Overall I like this. Anhony

Hey Anthony!

Thanks for the read!
My goal was to turn the tables as much as I could get away with.
And yes. Alice is through the looking glass in her life here, good catch.
Louis is just a different way to spell the author's name of said famous tale. :-)

Great suggestion about the 3 questions.
Having Louis beg for that chance would increase the tension at the table.

Thanks!
If you need eyes on anything you're working on, let me know!

Regards,
EDreamer

Hey Brett

Someone can't count here lol.

I actually didn't notice the page length at first, as the dialogue flowed really well and I flew through the script.

Alice beats herself down a lot, which I'm sure you intended. Believing herself a leper in society because of her past ,I'm glad she finally relented a little at the end.

I think this is a good subject to cover.  Is every sex offender the same?  Should they all be tarnished with the same brush?  It made me think, and that's what a good piece does.

Enjoyed this.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I went in expecting 5 pages and it's actually 10. I don't think the insert is necessary showing the guys leaving. Would be awkward to film them all and would probably be cut later anyway. I also think you should swap sexes for this because there's a far larger stigma attached to male sex offenders than female ones. I think switching it around will make for a far larger impact. Other than that a nice story well told. Great work.

Hey Dustin!

Thanks for the read and the kind words.
Love your idea about switching up the gender!

Regards,
EDreamer

ED,

Sometimes, comments sit right down and smile.  read on.

This is good.  The dialogue works just fine.  The characters are interesting. The subject matter is topical.  How do you date after you're on the deviant list?  If I were to offer anything, I'd push to have Louis play his own little game with Alice.  He is not only not repelled by her, but he actually wants to get into it, asking about it, wanting details, as if he's a deviant groupie.  Which would scare the bejesus out of her--until he confesses it's all a little game...or is it?

In any case, you've done good work.  Keep it up.

Best
Richard

Quoted from alffy Hey Brett Someone can't count here lol. I actually didn't notice the page length at first, as the dialogue flowed really well and I flew through the script. Alice beats herself down a lot, which I'm sure you intended. Believing herself a leper in society because of her past ,I'm glad she finally relented a little at the end. I think this is a good subject to cover.  Is every sex offender the same?  Should they all be tarnished with the same brush?  It made me think, and that's what a good piece does. Enjoyed this.

Thanks for the read, Alffy!
I just checked out your new short too, stellar work!

Thrilled that my short got your brain churning.
It's rare that a comedic concept can also make one think about serious stuff.
Honestly, the concept scared me, which is why I wrote it. ;-)

And yeah, you're spot on about Alice setting herself up for failure.
She subconsciously does that with these dates.
Right down to the restaurant location she chooses.

Alice sets herself for failure because she doesn't believe in herself.
Until someone is willing to put themselves in her shoes in an unusual way. :-)

Regards,
EDreamer

Quoted from RichardR ED, Sometimes, comments sit right down and smile.  read on. This is good.  The dialogue works just fine.  The characters are interesting. The subject matter is topical.  How do you date after you're on the deviant list?  If I were to offer anything, I'd push to have Louis play his own little game with Alice.  He is not only not repelled by her, but he actually wants to get into it, asking about it, wanting details, as if he's a deviant groupie.  Which would scare the bejesus out of her--until he confesses it's all a little game...or is it? In any case, you've done good work.  Keep it up. Best Richard

Hey Richard!

Thanks for the read and the comments.
Stellar idea about having Louis be more playful!

Cheers,
EDreamer

Brett

“There’s a MIRROR behind Alice, like in every French
cafe on film.”

-Do they?

“Alice looks at herself in the mirror behind Louis: Alice
wears a PRISON JUMPSUIT, zero makeup to cover all the cuts
and bruises.”

- Nice visual touch here. I see why you wanted that mirror now ;)

ALICE
I don’t like Kool Aid.

- Good line.

LOUIS
Not me, no questions or judgement
here. You have my word.

- Required by law? Yikes, that is ominous. I wonder should Louis show some crack in his totally understanding demeanour here.

ALICE
OK, I’m required by the state of
California to tell you, that I’m
a... registered sex offender

- And there is it is! Yup, I could see that coming. Not a criticism by the way it’s just when she said "required by law" my mind instantly went to that. I like how you went with a female offender too, gives the dynamic an intriguing and unexpected twist. It would be too easy to give it to the male character, we've seen that before many times.

“Come again? Louis ponders the words, then laughs. That’s
the best one he’s heard in months.”

- It’s an effective tension under cutter and a surprising reaction from Louis but given how Alice has built up to telling him, would he really take it as a joke?

LOUIS
I would never Google at the table.

- Is this meant to be said for humour? Feels like an inopportune moment to try to be funny.

Plus, even if he wasn't Googling her, it’s an extremely rude and tactless thing for him to do, to go his phone right after she's dropped that bombshell. I mean, what else is she going to think? The (not so) slyness of it is nearly worse than getting up and leaving, at least that's more honest.

LOUIS
I don’t care for the implication.

- This line reads very formal, at odds with the general dialogue of the script so far. Also missing a full stop.

ALICE
You can’t dump a first date. You
can walk out on them, stand them
up. But I’m pretty sure you need
to know someone at least a little
before you can dump them, Louis.

- Isn't she been unnecessarily rude to him now? He seems to have taken it pretty well (except taking out his phone) relative to the others in that brief insert.

ALICE
Cuz I said so. And no. You have
one question left.

- Jesus, woman, do you want him to stay or not? I'm getting mixed messages from Alice. On one hand she seems desperate for connection, for Louis to stick around but then she get all abrupt with him and imposes these silly restrictions like three questions...before reducing it down to one on a technicality. Perhaps she is doing it in humorous way to lighten the atmosphere but there is no indication of this in the prose or her body language so I’m not sure.

WAITER
Well, there’s a part of my anatomy
that fits nicely into a part of
their anatomy, and when done right
it feels great. So, I like women.

- Nitpicky I know but I wonder could he have a brief pause here, a moment to consider before trotting out this cleverest of responses. Right now he just fires it off like he's been waiting all his life to be asked this question.

ALICE & LOUIS
We won’t.

- See this unison response has me thinking the tone is lighter then I'm judging it to be.

WAITER
You ready to cash out, sir?

- I know it carries a double meaning in this situation but do Waiters say it like this?

LOUIS
Why are you required to tell me
that thing about yoursel—

- Shouldn't he know that is part of the sentencing terms for sex offenders?

ALICE
Nope. I just wanted to hear you
say the words. Goodbye, Louis.

-     Fu?k, this woman is complicated! Or just a little schizo on top of being a sex offender ;) Whay does she really want?

LOUIS
Alice, wait. I still have one more
question I can ask you. Right?

- What? I’m at a loss here. Why does he care about asking  another question? Shouldn't he be wondering why she is leaving so abruptly like this?

I'm half thinking now this is just a ruse from Alice so she doesn't have to pay the bill.

LOUIS
You chose this place because you
expect to fail. If you ask me,
you’re the one that’s playing
games, Alice. Not me.

- Yeah I can definitely agree with Louis on this one, So much so, that I would've walked out on her long before now. Not because of the sex offender thing but how she keeps going back and forth in her mood and in her responses to his questions. She full of deflection and, quite frankly, bullsh?t, obscuring any semblance of truth or emotional honesty. Perhaps this is just her insecurities and defences acting out.

LOUIS
I said “if”. Play fair, Alice.

- Meh, semantic, semantic, semantics. It’s getting tiresome. These two spend too much time being too smart for their own good, focusing on arbitrary things and going around in circles than actually having a real conversation. They’re as bad as each other so maybe they're the perfect match after all.

“Alice holds her idle iPad. She gazes into the BLACK MIRROR,
searching for answers to silent questions.”

- See, this reprieve in the interaction has me thinking the tone is gone serious and reflective again. Seemingly a moment of genuine introspection. It really jars for me.

LOUIS
Do you think there’s one thing I
could say to you that would make
you change your mind about me?

- Why would he be asking this question? What has he done wrong except play along, rather admirably considering the situation, with Alice’s mind games? It seems to me that she is the one that has all the work to do to keep him around. When did the tables turn? I must’ve missed that.
ALICE
Enough witty banter...

- I yearned for this a few pages ago to be honest.

“An unseen pile of PLATES crashes on a hard floor.”

- There’s that wildly inconsistent tone again.
     
LOUIS
You’re right, I’m a liar. But
those other guys lied to you to end
the date. I lied to keep it going.

- True but it’s your choice of lie with which I have a problem.

As you'll see from my page by page notes I had a hard time with this script. For me, the tone was all over the place, going from serious to funny, to silly, to reflective, to earnest then back to witty again. Mixing of tones is possible of course within a film but it’s a difficult thing to pull off and here I don't think it works.

You have a women who holds this dark secret, she had sex with an underage boy and is now a registered sex offender This is serious subject, a very damning skeleton in one's closet. She is required by law to tell anyone  she is hoping to get into a relationship with and this is the central premise of the script. First dates inevitably end with the man walking out.

This is an interesting scenario that can provide good drama, exploring how we react to such news about someone we are starting to care about, how we judge people based on past errors, can we separate that person from their mistakes, clean slates, fresh starts etc.

You handled it well for the first few pages as Alice plucks up the courage to tell him, we could feel her apprehension, her fear of how Louis would react, the expectant rejection...but as soon as she does, the script does a very odd thing by switching tones multiple times as I mentioned above that took me completely out of the story distanced me from Alice and Louis who I saw more as movie characters trying to outsmart and outwit each other in that rapid fire, snappy way rather than actual real people wrestling with the possibility of continuing their relationship or not in light of Alice’s confession.

Both take turns in making light of the situation, getting into numerous back and forth exchanges of smart as?ed quips, clever putdown and generally trying to be coolest person at the table. Alice even assumes the role of victim at one point and implies that she is walking out on the date, not the other way around. I appreciate on the surface this could be seen as a defence mechanism, in that she will shun him before he shuns her but this comes a few pages after she has delivered the news. Plus her attitude during those moments doesn't suggest she is putting a wall, at that point she gives the impression she is indeed the offended one, she appears angry with Louis who, besides some misjudged attempts at humour, looked to be taking the news rather well.

Although, in regards his misjudged attempts at humour I don't really blame him, because for me the script was full of them, he was no more guilty of it than Alice. He would try to be serious to which she would respond in a mocking, derisive way, take his remark too literally or debate how he phrased it, you know totally arbitrary stuff, then when he tried to quip, play the game, she would get defensive, not answer his question and threaten to leave. It just didn't make any sense to me. The conversation on the whole felt totally at odds with the subject matter underpinning it, I couldn’t get a grasp on it.

I did like how Louis pointed out that "the others lied to you to end the date. I lied to keep it going" that is an interesting angle to take in regards his approach in the final moments...but, he said he was a sex offender too! First off, like Alice, we never believed there would be such a coincidence, just not buying it, but also isn't it a very tactless thing to say, to lie about something like that? Given Alice’s situation, would she ever find this funny or cute? Couldn't he have said he done time for robbery or something, just some other unflattering thing about himself but Jesus Christ man, stay away from the very thing that is weighing down on Alice like a ball and chain.

Overall, I really struggled with this. Maybe I’m taking it all too seriously. I know you can write, Brett, I've read plenty of your stuff, you've got a voice and witty banter is something you do quite well. I just don't think it was adjusted to suit the themes that could be at work here. Too many nudges and winks with too little sincerity which I think this called for. A missed opportunity.

Col.