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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Antisocial Emissions
Posted by: Don, June 20th, 2015, 9:00am
Antisocial Emissions by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Comedy - A Human Emissions officer discovers that curses are real. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Ajai, June 20th, 2015, 10:03am; Reply: 1
Hi Dustin

Just started hanging out in the forums. I liked the beginning, the Human Emissions is original! I initially thought they were in state inspection office or something and then it hit me - that stench! :)

But I did not get the part why Gerard started feeling sick, and started wondering if it was because of being near that dog...

Ajai
Posted by: Dustin, June 20th, 2015, 11:36am; Reply: 2

Quoted from Ajai
Hi Dustin

Just started hanging out in the forums. I liked the beginning, the Human Emissions is original! I initially thought they were in state inspection office or something and then it hit me - that stench! :)

But I did not get the part why Gerard started feeling sick, and started wondering if it was because of being near that dog...

Ajai


Hi Ajai, in the beginning the Bum curses Gerard, he then tells him about a poor little doggy that is now doomed because he will be locked in prison for two months. Being an animal lover (as is clear once we get to Gerard's home) this makes him begin to stress out about the little doggy that could possibly die. He goes on the phone to ask about the Bum, can't eat his dinner, and stays awake all night worrying.

It was the curse that caused it. Or, if you want the scientific term for it... a mixture of stress and a large dose of guilt.

Thanks for the read and your thoughts. Much appreciated.
Posted by: TonyDionisio, June 21st, 2015, 9:00pm; Reply: 3
Man, I wouldn't make it 2 hours after a night of drinking in this world. I happen to like fart stories and adolescent humor, so good job with this one. Must be major profits for Pepto Bismol makers.

Good "reap what you sow" story.

Tony
Posted by: GreenGecko, June 21st, 2015, 10:42pm; Reply: 4
I liked it. The way it escalated was perfect.

I was also a little confused because this is the type of world where a farting curse could exist. At the same time, the anxiety from the dog could also cause stress-farts. And those two lines (the curse and the dog) are so close together and out of the blue, that it left me confused when he starts having problems. But I don't think it matters too much because the result is what matters.

Nice title too.
Posted by: Dustin, June 22nd, 2015, 2:36am; Reply: 5

Quoted from TonyDionisio
Man, I wouldn't make it 2 hours after a night of drinking in this world. I happen to like fart stories and adolescent humor, so good job with this one. Must be major profits for Pepto Bismol makers.

Good "reap what you sow" story.

Tony


Hi mate, thanks for checking this out. I'm writing a children's novel at the moment and during that I got the inspiration for this. I was going to ignore the urge, but thought what the hell, just write it.

There is a deeper message, bit of an obvious one regarding all the silly laws that we have to face on a daily basis. I imagine human emissions could well be one for the future.

Thanks again mate, glad you got some enjoyment out of it.
Posted by: Dustin, June 22nd, 2015, 2:39am; Reply: 6

Quoted from GreenGecko
I liked it. The way it escalated was perfect.

I was also a little confused because this is the type of world where a farting curse could exist. At the same time, the anxiety from the dog could also cause stress-farts. And those two lines (the curse and the dog) are so close together and out of the blue, that it left me confused when he starts having problems. But I don't think it matters too much because the result is what matters.

Nice title too.


It was actually the anxiety from the dog that caused it. Which is kind of how curses work. I believe they're psychological maladies caused by things like stress and guilt. I'll look into seeing if there's a way to make it more clear.

Thanks for checking this out and I'm glad you got something from it. Cheers.
Posted by: Max, June 25th, 2015, 7:35am; Reply: 7
Fart jokes eh? Oh dear Dustin, oh dear.  It was fun for what it was, but not really my type of comedy.

I personally love the way you write though, it has an injection of personality about it.  When you write stuff like "Unfortunately the noise isn’t the worst of it", I like it because it adds a certain something, it makes the script less mechanical if you know what I mean.

The concept is utterly ridiculous, being fined for farting, serving jail-time because your farts killed an old lady = LOL

Yeah, not much else to say. I can tell that you're super comfortable with your writing style, almost as if you just let loose and have fun with it.

Solid entry.

Posted by: Simon, June 25th, 2015, 8:03am; Reply: 8
I guess a lot of children would find this funny, but it wasn't for me. It's not that it wasn't well written, I just thought it was too silly... and that's coming from me, lol.
Posted by: Dustin, June 25th, 2015, 8:11am; Reply: 9

Quoted from Max
Fart jokes eh? Oh dear Dustin, oh dear.  It was fun for what it was, but not really my type of comedy.

I personally love the way you write though, it has an injection of personality about it.  When you write stuff like "Unfortunately the noise isn’t the worst of it", I like it because it adds a certain something, it makes the script less mechanical if you know what I mean.

The concept is utterly ridiculous, being fined for farting, serving jail-time because your farts killed an old lady = LOL

Yeah, not much else to say. I can tell that you're super comfortable with your writing style, almost as if you just let loose and have fun with it.

Solid entry.



Yeah, fairly juvenile material... but it made me laugh. Even if I read it now I'd still laugh, which is quite sad, I know. Like I said though, I'm writing a children's novel and this idea occurred to me during that. Plus I wanted to see if I could pull it off, the story that is.

Thanks for the comments on the writing. Writing prose really helps in that area. There's so much freedom involved that little bits leak over into my screenwriting now and again, for the better though I believe. Glad to see you do too.

Cheers mate.
Posted by: Dustin, June 25th, 2015, 8:22am; Reply: 10

Quoted from Simon
It's not that it wasn't well written...


I'll take that.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Posted by: IamGlenn, June 25th, 2015, 9:32am; Reply: 11
Wow. Farts!

You know what? And this could be saying quite a bit about me, that was funny! Yes, it was juvenile and just plain silly but it got a few chuckles from me. And that's what you were going for, right? Well written too.

Good luck,

Glenn.
Posted by: Dustin, June 25th, 2015, 10:42am; Reply: 12

Quoted from IamGlenn
Wow. Farts!

You know what? And this could be saying quite a bit about me, that was funny! Yes, it was juvenile and just plain silly but it got a few chuckles from me. And that's what you were going for, right? Well written too.

Good luck,

Glenn.


Yeah, just a few chuckles. I'm more than happy with that. Thanks for checking it out, mate. Good to see you back around the boards too.
Posted by: IamGlenn, June 25th, 2015, 10:49am; Reply: 13

Quoted from Dustin


Yeah, just a few chuckles. I'm more than happy with that. Thanks for checking it out, mate. Good to see you back around the boards too.


No problem and thanks man. Got a bit caught up with finishing up in college and writing the episodes for a Web series along with some other shit. But I'm back and want to kick on. Anything else you've written that you want me to check out, I'd be more than happy to take a look.
Posted by: JimW, July 9th, 2015, 4:06pm; Reply: 14
Hey Dustin, I thoroughly enjoyed this one,  Especially, what Gerard resorts to when his emissions detector is out of commission.  Flatulence humour is timeless, whether child or adult.  I've read some of your other scripts, which I've also enjoyed, but found this one to be deliciously twisted!

Take care,
Jim Waterous
Posted by: Max, July 9th, 2015, 8:20pm; Reply: 15
I was upset that nobody followed through to be honest, maybe something to think about for the sequel?

AE 2 - COMING SOON!

Gerard, fresh out of jail.
Posted by: Dustin, July 10th, 2015, 12:09pm; Reply: 16

Quoted from JimW
Hey Dustin, I thoroughly enjoyed this one,  Especially, what Gerard resorts to when his emissions detector is out of commission.  Flatulence humour is timeless, whether child or adult.  I've read some of your other scripts, which I've also enjoyed, but found this one to be deliciously twisted!

Take care,
Jim Waterous


This is one of those you either love it or hate it scripts. Glad to see where you stand... and thanks for the compliment on my scripts. Much appreciated.
Posted by: Dustin, July 10th, 2015, 12:12pm; Reply: 17

Quoted from Max
I was upset that nobody followed through to be honest, maybe something to think about for the sequel?

AE 2 - COMING SOON!

Gerard, fresh out of jail.


That can be funny too. I've got flashbacks of the turd in The Inbetweeners 2 and the resultant projectile vomit into the pool at a very busy waterpark.

That was hilarious.
Posted by: wonkavite (Guest), July 12th, 2015, 7:34pm; Reply: 18
Hey Dustin -

Just read through this one.  Believe it or not, I can appreciate a good fart joke or two (there was a script called Cropduster on SS that I'm rather fond of.)  :P

My five cents.  Well written.  I think it *could* go over better with a gypsy beggar witch or simliar to make the curse more, er, believable.  And as for damning a doggie to death.  I really, really thought that the turn this would take would be that Gerard's emissions end up inadvertently killing his own pooch.  Frankly, I think that would work well.  

Cheers,

--J (W)
Posted by: Dustin, July 13th, 2015, 1:32am; Reply: 19

Quoted from wonkavite


My five cents.  Well written.  I think it *could* go over better with a gypsy beggar witch or simliar to make the curse more, er, believable.


I deliberately avoided that choice because it was not really a curse in the traditional sense. Curses can work, but only if the victim is susceptible, in that they feel guilty. If they then start to get stressed out about that guilt then the curse is working its 'magic'. Whatever bad things happen, can be explained by being stressed and then one could actually start to believe they are cursed.


Quoted from Janet

And as for damning a doggie to death.  I really, really thought that the turn this would take would be that Gerard's emissions end up inadvertently killing his own pooch.  Frankly, I think that would work well.  

Cheers,

--J (W)


That could happen... but it would be an in between to the old lady dying as a ramp up on the comedy. I do like that idea.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.


Posted by: Marcela, July 13th, 2015, 5:42am; Reply: 20
LOL, this whole thing seriously  made me laugh and at the same time i felt deep sympathy for all the people involved. Loved the twist in the end. I would change the year of human emissions act to, perhaps, 2025? It reads nicely how Gerard is imagining the little doggy's puppy eyes and being all lonely, but you wrote a script, not a short story, so perhaps you should put it down as IMAGINING?
Posted by: Dustin, July 13th, 2015, 11:02am; Reply: 21

Quoted from Marcela
LOL, this whole thing seriously  made me laugh and at the same time i felt deep sympathy for all the people involved. Loved the twist in the end. I would change the year of human emissions act to, perhaps, 2025?


Thanks Marcela. Yes, I think making this in the slight future would be a good move.


Quoted from Marcela

It reads nicely how Gerard is imagining the little doggy's puppy eyes and being all lonely, but you wrote a script, not a short story, so perhaps you should put it down as IMAGINING?


This is deliberate on my part. I know it isn't going to fly with some... but I've never been one for rules.

Thanks for the read and sharing your thoughts, glad you enjoyed it.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 17th, 2015, 4:04am; Reply: 22
Dustin

Great opening page. The prose is vivid and colourful. It has rather silent movie-ish feel to it with the overt gestures/body language replacing dialogue and the broad humour of the situation. A redundant comment I know but it could easily be straight out of a Chaplin film.

“Realising that he has little other choice, Gerard drops to
his knees and puts his nose to Bum’s butt crack and confirms
that the vomit-inducing stench is indeed coming from the
anal cavity.”

- Ha, I know it’s done for humour but was that really necessary? Did he really have “little other choice” in confirming the source of the odor?

GERARD
(sighs)
You’ve committed an offence under
the human emissions act, twenty
fifteen, which is levied with
either a two hundred pounds,
on-the-spot, fine, or three months
in prison.

- I love me a comma but are there too many here around “on-the-spot” and “fine”

BUM
You’ve just doomed a little doggy
to death. Well done you.

- Maybe you could specify starvation here instead of just death because at first I thought Bum was threatening to put a hex on a random dog for being wronged like this...Or is just me who jumped to this unlikely conclusion? I know the following prose clarifies what the Bum meant but we obviously won't see this on screen.

“Gerard pales, thinks about a little, distressed doggy, all
alone, in the dark, its - undoubtedly - floppy ears flicked
back on its head, its doughy, baby-like eyes waiting for the
front door to open and its beloved master to return.”

- Wow, a four line aside! That's really pushing the boat out, you rebel you ;) Alternatively, you could change this to an insert. As in a visual manifestation on screen of Gerard's worst fears.

INT. GERARD’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – DAY

A parrot, budgerigars, cats, dogs, goldfish.

- So this is an amusing and interesting deepening of his character. He keeps an inordinate amount of pets to fill the gap left by a lack of human relationships. I like that but I wonder could you have some little clue at the beginning to hint at this. Maybe he has a BARTA (yes I did look that up) pin badge on his uniform or something. Just some subtle indicator that he's an animal lover.

“Gerard lets rip over and over again until the room is filled
with so much gas he’d likely suffocate if he remained a
second longer.”

- Ha, ok, this took an unexpected turn. Yes, fart jokes are one of the lowest forms of humour. It’s still funny for me though since I presume you're aware of this and playing with an overused staple of cheap laughs by literally repeating the gag (pun shamefully intended) over and over.

“pink rinse”

- What do you mean by this? Her hair?

BUM
My mum paid me out, I’m going home.

- Shouldn't it be "bailed" instead of “paid”

I was enjoying the randomness of this, the offbeat comedy, the preoccupation with “emissions”, these new stringent laws concerning breaches of odor which had that unsettling dystopian feel to it but done in a humorous way. Even the incessant flatulence in the latter half of the script had its charm, an ironic purpose I guess.

I liked the character of Gerard and got a kick out of how racked with guilt he was over the potentially abandoned dog. You did a clever thing by first introducing him as this anal retentive HED officer, emblematic of an oppressive system, always by-the-book, zero empathy or personality before subverting that and showing him to be the complete opposite. On the contrary, he cares too much.

Thus, I was expecting much more of a pay off at the end than the reveal that Bum didn't have a dog to begin with and all of Gerard’s fretting and farting were for nothing. It fell very flat for me (enough f words for you yet?) The poor guy is going away for a long time now, seems rather harsh.

So sorry but I’m going to go into my patented annoying-question-asker mode again because these were predominately on my mind after finishing it.

Why did Bum make up the dog story in the first place? Just to gain sympathy since he couldn't have known the effect it would've had on Gerard’s conscious...and anal cavity it seems. See, maybe if you had that clue at the beginning like the BARTA pin badge it would give Bum a reason for fabricating such a story knowing it would play on his mind ;)

I wondered what was Bum's medical condition? Or did he make that up too? I can presume he did. Why did Gerard start farting uncontrollably? Guilt? If so, that's a rare symptom I've never heard of before but I get why you went with that peculiar side effect, it’s obvious but in my opinion too obvious and silly given how the story ends the way it does. Also, if the farting was linked to his worry/guilt why did he keep letting rip after learning there was no dog in peril?

There is nothing more going on here it seems. The one guy who was the authority on policing odors is now emitting them left, right and center. That’s all I can really gather form this, am I missing something? Oh, and now there are many more animals in danger of starvation given he’s going to be locked up for seven years...definitely wouldn’t like to be his cellmate then.

Ok, no more questions I promise, you get where I’m coming from.

Just one more thing though, why treat Gerard in such a nasty way? He seemed like an ok person (once we got to know him) just doing a shit?y (yep, I went there again) job. Is this your own personal attack on those in similarly annoying, buzz killing jobs such as traffic wardens? Is this why you put the hapless guy through hell like this?

Col.
Posted by: Dustin, July 17th, 2015, 5:02pm; Reply: 23

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Dustin

Great opening page. The prose is vivid and colourful. It has rather silent movie-ish feel to it with the overt gestures/body language replacing dialogue and the broad humour of the situation. A redundant comment I know but it could easily be straight out of a Chaplin film.


I actually started this as a no dialogue piece but then the story demanded dialogue so I just went with the flow. I kept it because I like it, I think. Not sure if it jars slightly with the rest. As you've noticed it then perhaps the shift in tone is too great and a line of dialogue would be best there.


Quoted Text
“Realising that he has little other choice, Gerard drops to
his knees and puts his nose to Bum’s butt crack and confirms
that the vomit-inducing stench is indeed coming from the
anal cavity.”

- Ha, I know it’s done for humour but was that really necessary? Did he really have “little other choice” in confirming the source of the odor?


Well his machine was broken... and, as I read it again, I can't believe I wrote it... it still cracks me up. I never imagined this one being filmed, so I allowed myself a little more freedom with the writing. I wanted to entertain the reader. I heard it said once that screenplays are a form of literature, or can be, anyway, and I agree with that.



Quoted Text
GERARD
(sighs)
You’ve committed an offence under
the human emissions act, twenty
fifteen, which is levied with
either a two hundred pounds,
on-the-spot, fine, or three months
in prison.

- I love me a comma but are there too many here around “on-the-spot” and “fine”


No, I believe I am correct. 'On-the-spot' is an aside to fine in this case. Likewise with comma usage preceding 'or', I generally like to use one in formal writing. Although not particularly necessary it is allowed.


Quoted Text
BUM
You’ve just doomed a little doggy
to death. Well done you.

- Maybe you could specify starvation here instead of just death because at first I thought Bum was threatening to put a hex on a random dog for being wronged like this...Or is just me who jumped to this unlikely conclusion? I know the following prose clarifies what the Bum meant but we obviously won't see this on screen.


People are not going to hit pause on the film. The proceeding prose and therefore action, will clear anything up instantly. Gerard's conclusion is what is important and that is what we will see on screen.


Quoted Text
“Gerard pales, thinks about a little, distressed doggy, all
alone, in the dark, its - undoubtedly - floppy ears flicked
back on its head, its doughy, baby-like eyes waiting for the
front door to open and its beloved master to return.”

- Wow, a four line aside! That's really pushing the boat out, you rebel you ;) Alternatively, you could change this to an insert. As in a visual manifestation on screen of Gerard's worst fears.


Most people see that as a visual manifestation. I don't need to write it as an insert as it is written in the action.


Quoted Text
INT. GERARD’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM – DAY

A parrot, budgerigars, cats, dogs, goldfish.

- So this is an amusing and interesting deepening of his character. He keeps an inordinate amount of pets to fill the gap left by a lack of human relationships. I like that but I wonder could you have some little clue at the beginning to hint at this. Maybe he has a BARTA (yes I did look that up) pin badge on his uniform or something. Just some subtle indicator that he's an animal lover.


But why? I don't understand what the story would gain from dropping a subtle hint like that.


Quoted Text
“Gerard lets rip over and over again until the room is filled
with so much gas he’d likely suffocate if he remained a
second longer.”

- Ha, ok, this took an unexpected turn. Yes, fart jokes are one of the lowest forms of humour. It’s still funny for me though since I presume you're aware of this and playing with an overused staple of cheap laughs by literally repeating the gag (pun shamefully intended) over and over.


If you're going to do it, then you might as well do it properly.


Quoted Text
“pink rinse”

- What do you mean by this? Her hair?


Yeah. I thought that a pink or blue rinse went without explanation anywhere in the world.



Quoted Text
BUM
My mum paid me out, I’m going home.

- Shouldn't it be "bailed" instead of “paid”


No, paid is the correct choice. He's not on bail. He's free. When on bail that means you have a court appearance or something. Bum was merely fined, so his mum paid him out. You'll hear the same said though for people paid out on bail. I suppose the courts and police give people bail, but family and friends pay them out. Hope that makes sense.


Quoted Text

I liked the character of Gerard and got a kick out of how racked with guilt he was over the potentially abandoned dog. You did a clever thing by first introducing him as this anal retentive HED officer, emblematic of an oppressive system, always by-the-book, zero empathy or personality before subverting that and showing him to be the complete opposite. On the contrary, he cares too much.


He cares about animals but not humans. I don't think that makes him a good person. To me, the guy is still a dick deserving some type of comeuppance.


Quoted Text
Thus, I was expecting much more of a pay off at the end than the reveal that Bum didn't have a dog to begin with and all of Gerard’s fretting and farting were for nothing. It fell very flat for me (enough f words for you yet?) The poor guy is going away for a long time now, seems rather harsh.


I don't sympathise with him at all. He's a person of authority reduced to being the very criminal he sought to keep society safe from.


Quoted Text
So sorry but I’m going to go into my patented annoying-question-asker mode again because these were predominately on my mind after finishing it.


It's fine by me.


Quoted Text
Why did Bum make up the dog story in the first place? Just to gain sympathy since he couldn't have known the effect it would've had on Gerard’s conscious...and anal cavity it seems. See, maybe if you had that clue at the beginning like the BARTA pin badge it would give Bum a reason for fabricating such a story knowing it would play on his mind ;)


OK. I see why that's a good idea now. Not sure on BARTA, I just Googled it and can't find anything, but certainly a brooch of a dog or something similar would work.


Quoted Text
I wondered what was Bum's medical condition? Or did he make that up too? I can presume he did. Why did Gerard start farting uncontrollably? Guilt? If so, that's a rare symptom I've never heard of before but I get why you went with that peculiar side effect, it’s obvious but in my opinion too obvious and silly given how the story ends the way it does. Also, if the farting was linked to his worry/guilt why did he keep letting rip after learning there was no dog in peril?


Maybe because he's facing years in prison. Stress and guilt cause psychological symptoms that will be symptomatic of the environment. Perhaps a rash, a case of the burps, incessant sneezing... I'm sure if we looked on the internet we would find all sorts of oddities. Not saying they are caused through stress, but they could be. Maybe even guilt, or a heady mixture of the two.


Quoted Text
There is nothing more going on here it seems. The one guy who was the authority on policing odors is now emitting them left, right and center. That’s all I can really gather form this, am I missing something?


There doesn't need to be any more going on. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. What more could possibly be missing?


Quoted Text

Oh, and now there are many more animals in danger of starvation given he’s going to be locked up for seven years...definitely wouldn’t like to be his cellmate then.


Gerad'll probably get lifed off.




Quoted Text
Just one more thing though, why treat Gerard in such a nasty way? He seemed like an ok person (once we got to know him) just doing a shit?y (yep, I went there again) job. Is this your own personal attack on those in similarly annoying, buzz killing jobs such as traffic wardens? Is this why you put the hapless guy through hell like this?

Col.


I disagree that he's an OK person simply because he cares a lot about animals. The poor bum was minding his own business when Gerard came along and ruined his day.

It's not an attack on anybody. More an attack on the idea of silly rules.

Thanks for the read and review mate. Nice to know exactly what you're thinking as you read it. Cheers.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 18th, 2015, 11:26pm; Reply: 24
Dustin


Quoted from Dustin
Not sure if it jars slightly with the rest. As you've noticed it then perhaps the shift in tone is too great and a line of dialogue would be best there.


Nah, I think it works fine, it gives the intro a distinction from the rest. Since its all about smells you don't need dialogue, everything can be, and is, expressed through body language.


Quoted from Dustin
No, I believe I am correct. 'On-the-spot' is an aside to fine in this case. Likewise with comma usage preceding 'or', I generally like to use one in formal writing. Although not particularly necessary it is allowed.


Ok, fair enough, I thought it would be "which is levied with either a two hundred pounds, on-the-spot fine"


Quoted from Dustin
Most people see that as a visual manifestation. I don't need to write it as an insert as it is written in the action.


So you do intend it to be a scene? I assumed it to be an aside because there was no scene heading. Up to you of course but why risk that misinterpretation? A scene heading would eliminate that.


Quoted from Dustin
He cares about animals but not humans. I don't think that makes him a good person. To me, the guy is still a dick deserving some type of comeuppance.


See I didn't get the impression he didn't care about humans, he's just a guy doing his job. Now that type of profession does tell you a bit about him, the kind of person who would even consider doing a job like this. Then again, we are in a distorted reality from the one we know with this irrational focus on smells so is Gerard more a product of his environment?

Obviously you can't get into this in a short script like this but it is a grey area as its stands. I would never jump to the conclusion that Gerard doesn't care about humans based solely on the fact that he arrested Bum, that's too easy, too black and white. Again, we're not fully briefed on the rule of this world, perhaps Bum is the kind of person that Gerard's superiors have told him to target. So who do you blame, the individual or society?


Quoted from Dustin
I don't sympathise with him at all. He's a person of authority reduced to being the very criminal he sought to keep society safe from.


Believe me, I have as much mistrust and wariness of people of authority mindlessly following protocol as the next person but on the balance of Gerard's depiction in the script and taking into the account the truly bizarre way in which he became "the criminal he sought to keep society safe from" yeah, I feel do feel some degree of sympathy for him, definitely.


Quoted from Dustin
OK. I see why that's a good idea now. Not sure on BARTA, I just Googled it and can't find anything, but certainly a brooch of a dog or something similar would work.


http://bartacic.org/index.php

Or just the more widely known RSPCA which we have in Ireland too. For some reason I couldn't find them the first time I checked.


Quoted from Dustin
There doesn't need to be any more going on. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. What more could possibly be missing?


Just because a story has a discernible beginning, middle and end doesn't necessarily mean its complete or satisfying. I just found the pay off of the Bum conveniently having his Mum pay (not bail!;)) him out, no dog in trouble and Gerard been put in prison for his nose pollution (see what I did there!) all a bit too convenient and neatly tied up, thus unsatisfying. Not to mention the oh so ironic nature of Gerard's transgression. Then again, I've only a written a couple of scripts this short so I'm probably not the one to demand a worthy resolution here.


Quoted from Dustin
I disagree that he's an OK person simply because he cares a lot about animals. The poor bum was minding his own business when Gerard came along and ruined his day.

It's not an attack on anybody. More an attack on the idea of silly rules.


Yeah, the reason I asked was it a jab at those kind of jobs was because I've written a script about a traffic warden which is very much that. Yes, its a job and someone has to do it but to spend your day clamping car wheels, dishing out fines and generally pissing people off is not good for the soul.
Posted by: Dustin, July 19th, 2015, 1:09pm; Reply: 25

Quoted from Colkurtz8


Nah, I think it works fine, it gives the intro a distinction from the rest. Since its all about smells you don't need dialogue, everything can be, and is, expressed through body language.


That was the conclusion I arrived at at the time of writing. I do remember the shift though, when I went from no-dialogue to dialogue. It did jar with me a little.


Quoted Text

Ok, fair enough, I thought it would be "which is levied with either a two hundred pounds, on-the-spot fine"


I prefer emphasis with 'on the spot' as this will accentuate the officious tone.



Quoted from Col
Up to you of course but why risk that misinterpretation? A scene heading would eliminate that.


I don't see how it could be misinterpreted. I doubt that anyone thinking visually will miss it.


Quoted from Col
See I didn't get the impression he didn't care about humans, he's just a guy doing his job. Now that type of profession does tell you a bit about him, the kind of person who would even consider doing a job like this. Then again, we are in a distorted reality from the one we know with this irrational focus on smells so is Gerard more a product of his environment?


He lives alone with a bunch of animals too... but I get your point, something more needs to be added to cement it in.


Quoted from Col
...perhaps Bum is the kind of person that Gerard's superiors have told him to target. So who do you blame, the individual or society?


I blame the individual. We all have choices. It's a little like when Germans had trustees in the Jewish concentration camps, some of which actually treated their fellow men more harshly than the Germans did. Who does one blame? The Germans for making the camp, or the Trustees for abusing their position?


Quoted from Col
Believe me, I have as much mistrust and wariness of people of authority mindlessly following protocol as the next person but on the balance of Gerard's depiction in the script and taking into the account the truly bizarre way in which he became "the criminal he sought to keep society safe from" yeah, I feel do feel some degree of sympathy for him, definitely.


He couldn't help what happened to him and learned that others, that he had locked up previously, couldn't either. Yet he still slept at night... alone, with his animals as company. My sympathies are more with the people he went out of his way to lock up.


Quoted from Col


http://bartacic.org/index.php

Or just the more widely known RSPCA which we have in Ireland too. For some reason I couldn't find them the first time I checked.


Never heard of them before. They seem to concentrate most on equine rescue. An RSPCA badge would definitely work.




Quoted from Col
Just because a story has a discernible beginning, middle and end doesn't necessarily mean its complete or satisfying. I just found the pay off of the Bum conveniently having his Mum pay (not bail!;)) him out, no dog in trouble and Gerard been put in prison for his nose pollution (see what I did there!) all a bit too convenient and neatly tied up, thus unsatisfying. Not to mention the oh so ironic nature of Gerard's transgression. Then again, I've only a written a couple of scripts this short so I'm probably not the one to demand a worthy resolution here.


I disagree on it not being complete. I also disagree on the convenience.


Quoted from Col
Yeah, the reason I asked was it a jab at those kind of jobs was because I've written a script about a traffic warden which is very much that. Yes, its a job and someone has to do it but to spend your day clamping car wheels, dishing out fines and generally pissing people off is not good for the soul.


Yes it is a jab at those kind of jobs... but also anything and anywhere that puts silly rules in place. That could be a workplace or anywhere... there will be somebody like Gerard around to make sure the letter of the law (so to speak) is followed. Jobsworth might be a good title for it.

Thanks Col, plenty to think about.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 20th, 2015, 6:41am; Reply: 26
Dustin


Quoted from Dustin
I don't see how it could be misinterpreted. I doubt that anyone thinking visually will miss it.


Because scene headings tell you there has been scene change, and often location. Here you go from a commercial street to a "distressed doggy, all alone, in the dark" (there is also mention of a "front door") so I reckon a scene heading of some sort would be useful in clarifying this change. As its written, it feels like an aside, as if you are telling , the reader, what must be going through Gerard's mind. This uncertainty stems from the absence of a scene heading, that's all.


Quoted from Dustin
He lives alone with a bunch of animals too... but I get your point, something more needs to be added to cement it in.


I interpreted the abundance of animals as compensation for his inability to form human relationships, not because he doesn't want to but because he can't. You know, animals don't judge and all that. This is just my own take on it, it seems you intended something different and that's fine.


Quoted from Dustin
I blame the individual. We all have choices. It's a little like when Germans had trustees in the Jewish concentration camps, some of which actually treated their fellow men more harshly than the Germans did. Who does one blame? The Germans for making the camp, or the Trustees for abusing their position?


In essence I agree, personal accountability should take priority and the Nazi example is often cited in this argument. Still, its easy for us to take the righteous high road from our safe vantage point.


Quoted from Dustin
He couldn't help what happened to him and learned that others, that he had locked up previously, couldn't either. Yet he still slept at night... alone, with his animals as company. My sympathies are more with the people he went out of his way to lock up.


Can we have sympathy for both? ??)


Quoted from Dustin
I disagree on it not being complete. I also disagree on the convenience.


Fair enough, I just had an underwhelming "Is that it?" feeling when I finished it.


Quoted from Dustin
Jobsworth might be a good title for it.


That's a great title actually but you'd be remiss also not to make some reference to the flatulence on display here! How about "Involuntary Emissions"? Too literal maybe but at least you'd be covering the farting and the nature of a paid profession.

Col.
Posted by: Dustin, July 20th, 2015, 8:44am; Reply: 27

Quoted from Colkurtz8

Because scene headings tell you there has been scene change, and often location. Here you go from a commercial street to a "distressed doggy, all alone, in the dark" (there is also mention of a "front door") so I reckon a scene heading of some sort would be useful in clarifying this change. As its written, it feels like an aside, as if you are telling , the reader, what must be going through Gerard's mind. This uncertainty stems from the absence of a scene heading, that's all.


What I have written in the action is filmable. Tells are unfilmable. What is unfilmable about that action? It is written actively and visually. This would be a daydream scene, but I have decided to do away with the need of clunky, line-taking directions and taken the narrative stance.

I see that that doesn't work for you, but note that the majority seem to get it, so I am happy to roll with that. I get it too.


Quoted from Col

I interpreted the abundance of animals as compensation for his inability to form human relationships, not because he doesn't want to but because he can't. You know, animals don't judge and all that. This is just my own take on it, it seems you intended something different and that's fine.


I agree, then as a result of that they start hating people, resenting them for having a life they could never have. So they get bitter and twisted... and weird.


Quoted from Col
In essence I agree, personal accountability should take priority and the Nazi example is often cited in this argument. Still, its easy for us to take the righteous high road from our safe vantage point.


Yes, of course.


Quoted Text

Can we have sympathy for both? ??)


Yes, of course you can. He might hate people but he's still a human being.


Quoted from Col
Fair enough, I just had an underwhelming "Is that it?" feeling when I finished it.


Yeah, perhaps you have a point... I'll think about it.


Quoted Text
That's a great title actually but you'd be remiss also not to make some reference to the flatulence on display here! How about "Involuntary Emissions"? Too literal maybe but at least you'd be covering the farting and the nature of a paid profession.

Col.


Cheers mate. Thanks for clarifying your earlier points.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, July 21st, 2015, 3:02am; Reply: 28

Quoted from Dustin
What I have written in the action is filmable. Tells are unfilmable. What is unfilmable about that action? It is written actively and visually. This would be a daydream scene, but I have decided to do away with the need of clunky, line-taking directions and taken the narrative stance.

I see that that doesn't work for you, but note that the majority seem to get it, so I am happy to roll with that. I get it too.


Sorry, I don't mean to belabor the point but I don't want you getting the wrong idea either. I never said it was unfilmmable. I totally agree that its written actively and visually, it does nothing but conjure up an image of this bereft dog. Asides aren't always unflimmable. I too value space and try to conserve it where I can so I totally get where you're coming from in that regard. However, in this case, I would sacrifice the lines for a scene heading just to make it clear for the reader what we are supposed to be seeing on screen but that's just me.
Posted by: Dustin, July 21st, 2015, 3:56am; Reply: 29

Quoted from Colkurtz8


Sorry, I don't mean to belabor the point but I don't want you getting the wrong idea either. I never said it was unfilmmable. I totally agree that its written actively and visually, it does nothing but conjure up an image of this bereft dog. Asides aren't always unflimmable. I too value space and try to conserve it where I can so I totally get where you're coming from in that regard. However, in this case, I would sacrifice the lines for a scene heading just to make it clear for the reader what we are supposed to be seeing on screen but that's just me.


Asides are not directly filmable which is why they are asides. They may hint at something extra an actor should do on film but cannot be directly filmable, else it becomes action and not an aside. There is a distinction.

Something that is written visually cannot be an aside (within context of screenwriting). Perhaps one could call it ill-formatted and therefore the work of somebody new to screenwriting, but I don't care about that because I've done it deliberately. Just like I outright refuse to cap sounds as I'm always reminded of a cartoon when I read them. If this hurts my chances of it being filmed then so be it... but from my experiences so far, I just know that it won't.

Thanks though for clarifying as it has helped me to do the same.
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