Lady At The End Of The Pier

Posted by: Don, August 29th, 2015, 6:25pm

Lady At The End Of The Pier by Jack Jones - Short, Horror, Dark Comedy - If you go down to the pier today, you're in for a big surprise… 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, August 29th, 2015, 7:09pm; Reply: 1

Hey Jack, took a quick look... just my opinion of course...

SPOILER ALERT

I couldn't figure out what the 8 8 8 was, but it intrigued me... even when she draws the blade I was momentarily confused... then 9 9 9 - clever twist and I liked it.

Two pages used effectively - good effort imho

Anthony

Posted by: eldave1, August 29th, 2015, 8:16pm; Reply: 2

Thought this was pretty solid.

Posted by: DustinBowcot (Guest), August 30th, 2015, 3:23am; Reply: 3

Simple... urban tale-like. Written well, but not a story for me... well, there isn't a story. Who is she? Just an old lady that kills people while hanging out at the end of a pier, and she's managed to do 8 of them, sorry, 9. Does she clean the blade every time? Maybe a pack of baby wipes in her jacket pocket?

A trilby is a hat... there isn't any need to write, trilby hat. Just trilby will suffice.

Posted by: Reef Dreamer, August 30th, 2015, 3:27am; Reply: 4

Well written, decent mood, and a twist.

I don't know, it just didn't do a huge amount for me, but sound work.

Cheers

Posted by: Sandro, August 30th, 2015, 8:05am; Reply: 5

Expertly written script, motivates me to try my hand at an ultra short such as this. Nary a superfluous word, each sentence creates mood and propels us forward.

The brevity, however, works both for and against you here. It's more of a sketch than a story, but because it's such a super quick read I don't mind very much.

It's good as is but I definitely wouldn't mind reading an extended take on it.

Sandro

Posted by: RichardR, September 1st, 2015, 1:32pm; Reply: 6

Jack

I think this is comment number 666 666 666....

Well done. A solid little tale that works for me. We get just enough to keep us in the game until the ending comes. Less is more in this case.

Best
Richard

Posted by: kingcooky555, September 1st, 2015, 2:11pm; Reply: 7

Nice two pager. I personally liked it. However, I'm not sure how someone can produce it as there's not much "meat" in it.

Posted by: JackJ, September 10th, 2015, 9:19pm; Reply: 8

Hi all,
Thank you to Don for posting my script and thanks to everyone that has read and posted their thoughts, I appreciate it.

Posted by: TonyDionisio, September 10th, 2015, 11:01pm; Reply: 9

That whole BOLLARD paragraph made my eyes bleed.

Posted by: JackJ, September 11th, 2015, 2:51am; Reply: 10

Quoted from TonyDionisio

That whole BOLLARD paragraph made my eyes bleed.

It's a bit messy.
Kinda rushed the ending too.
Oh well.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the blood tears.

Print Topic