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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  I Love Sabrina
Posted by: Don, September 12th, 2015, 7:28am
I Love Sabrina by Linda Leilani Brown - Comedy - Sabrina Washington, 17, quirky and chubby, enters a beauty contest to win the cover of Seventeen Magazine and 25,000 dollar but discovers beauty is more than skin deep. 114 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: cloroxmartini, September 13th, 2015, 1:03pm; Reply: 1
Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go off


Is he in Sabriba's room?
Posted by: eldave1, September 13th, 2015, 8:32pm; Reply: 2
Read thru a couple of pages. - Have some random thoughts:


Quoted Text
INT. SABRINA’S BEDROOM - MORNING

The alarm clock goes off on the night stand. Lady Gaga’s
“”Born That Way”” blares away on the airwaves or
something like it. The clock reads 7:30 am.


I think this is visually out of order. I would start with the clock time and then the alarm. e.g.,

An alarm clock on the nightstand reads: 7:29 A.M.  It turns to "7:30 AM" and the alarm goes off in the form of Lady Gaga’s “”Born That Way”.......

Anyway - just a thought.


Quoted Text
Slobber hangs from her mouth as she feels it and wipes it
off. Sabrina is a charmingly nerdy plump girl, with
glasses and braces.


You demonstrate pretty early on that she is nerdy - don't include the unfilmable here.


Quoted Text
Her father, JOSEPH WASHINGTON, hears the alarm clock go
off.


You got to put him in the hall or something - i.e., I think you are missing a scene heading.



Quoted Text
Good morning lovely!


Missing a comma after morning.


Quoted Text
A large black and white fake dog sits in the corner. She
hugs him.


Why not just tell us that it's stuffed or ceramic - fake is just the wrong descriptor here.


Quoted Text
Sabrina has a naive wild imagination.


Another unfilmable.


Quoted Text
and JACKY, 17, her other
best friend who’s “”mouthy”” and a nerd as well,
stand.


Another unfilmable.

You seem to have these everywhere. Count on your dialogue and action sequences to demonstrate your character's traits.

Good luck with this.
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