28 Hours Later by Jack Felson - Horror - A prequel to '28 Days Later', as well as a follow-up to its first scene, in the lab. It is supposed to end 28 hours after the virus comes out, as the Royal Family is evacuated. 98 pages - pdf, format 8)

Jack,

If this is the first line you want your audience to read, there will not be a second. Sorry!

"A CCTV room. An operator is asleep, in front of all his
screens that get black one after another."

Gotta clean this up,

Tony

Guess it's all cleaned up now. Forgive my French - and I'm really French.

This sounds interesting, a lot to live up to. Let's check it shall we.

BLB

The logline is the first thing I read and it doesn't pull me in at all. You need to seriously work on that. Not to mention stealing somebody else's idea. Couldn't you think of your own story?

"Stealing somebody else's idea" then how do you explain this script being on the site? There are plenty other scripts here, thought as remakes or sequels, or re-imaginings. This is a prequel, and if you check the script's first page, you'll see the 'somebody else's' name mentioned.

Quoted from JackF "Stealing somebody else's idea" then how do you explain this script being on the site? There are plenty other scripts here, thought as remakes or sequels, or re-imaginings. This is a prequel, and if you check the script's first page, you'll see the 'somebody else's' name mentioned.

So, you're not stealing somebody else's idea?

Ask that question to a Nick Romantini, who uploaded a script thought as a remake or John Carpenter's 'Halloween'. Same page.

As for me, no, I'm not stealing somebody else's idea, I just told you why. And there is only one company in the world that can produce this script. They know about the project.

JackF: There's a difference between a company knowing about the project and a company hiring you to write the script. You didn't sign any contracts/NDAs did you? Sharing, especially online, can hurt your chances of production.

FYI.

Quoted from JackF As for me, no, I'm not stealing somebody else's idea, I just told you why. And there is only one company in the world that can produce this script. They know about the project.

It's a project? Wow. Congratulations on being commissioned to write the prequel.

You really shouldn't be posting it here though, I'm sure if you check your contract there will be some type of non disclosure clause.

....I just said that.

Quoted from ABennettWriter ....I just said that.

Got there before me.

You are both right, thanks.

To you Dustin, no, I wasn't commissioned to write this prequel, but I still wrote it and my representative submitted the script to the production company in London anyway. Let's say the project is on stand-by.

If they don't want to produce it, at least people here can see the script. I love sharing my stuff.

If this was a project and truly on stand-by, then you couldn't post it here, no matter how much you love sharing your stuff.

I took a look at the first page and it isn't written to a pro standard, I believe this will hurt your chances of this actually becoming a project. If you'd like to learn how to write better then participate here at the site and you'll pick it up.

Yes, I know I didn't use Final Draft.

Quoted from JackF Yes, I know I didn't use Final Draft.

Final Draft isn't a requirement unless asked for... by then, you'll have enough cash earned from this game to buy it.

Code FADE IN INT. LABORATORY – TIMELESS A CCTV room. An operator is asleep, in front of all his screens that go black one after another. There is a walkie-talkie on the table, a voice starts yelling from it.

FADE IN:

If you're going to use it, then use a full colon.

If it's a CCTV room, then say so in the slug. One second we're in a lab, the next you're describing a security room. You could do something like this:

INT. LABORATORY – CCTV ROOM - DAY

The first time you introduce a new character, even a bit player, you put it in uppercase, like so:

OPERATOR

Using 'is' too much slows down the read and therefore activeness of your writing. So, using your own words, your first line of action could go something like this (mostly using your own words):

An OPERATOR sleeps in front of a bank of screens that go
black one after another.


Starts and Begins are also not very active. Avoid them So, your second line of action would go something like this (using your own words):

A voice yells through a walkie-talkie on the table.

Very good advice.

Quoted from JackF   Let's say the project is on stand-by.

All of my stuff is on standby as well. Come to think of it, i'll just standby myself :)

I don't totally agree with you Dustin.

If you read any further you'll see this:

CUT TO:
A corridor corner

So we have to pass from one spot (the CCTV room) to another, inside the laboratory, and we have to do it very quickly.

And I didn't put the operator character in uppercase because that character is totally inactive.


@Tony, my project is on stand-by as submitted to a production company ;)

All new characters must be in Uppercase, regardless. Screenwriting 101.

Quoted from JackF If you read any further you'll see this: CUT TO: A corridor corner So we have to pass from one spot (the CCTV room) to another, inside the laboratory, and we have to do it very quickly.

Why do we? Must this be filmed to your precise specification, right down to the dimensions of the set?

Separate locations require separate slugs. The CCTV room could be filmed in an entirely different location and made to look like part of the same set. If the Scientist from the lab were to say to her assistant, I'm just going to check on John. Then in the next scene she opens a door to the CCTV room and there's a security guy with a name badge JOHN... what will the viewer think?

The CCTV room could be anywhere, but the viewer will believe it is somehow connected to the lab. They don't need to see the entire layout of the building.

You could even have the lab in one place, the corridors in another and the CCTV room in yet another still.

@Dustin
In the scene as I wrote it, the CCTV room and that corridor are inside the lab.

Anybody else wanting this changed, no problem - everything you said is correct and interesting but it's more the director's and location manager's concern (if the story is ever produced of course).

Quoted from JackF @Dustin In the scene as I wrote it, the CCTV room and that corridor are inside the lab. Anybody else wanting this changed, no problem - everything you said is correct and interesting but it's more the director's and location manager's concern (if the story is ever produced of course).

I understand that. What you don't understand is that those separate areas are separate locations so need separate slugs.

INT. LAB - CCTV ROOM - DAY

INT. LAB - CORRIDOR - DAY

It is not the directors job to correctly format a screenplay.

It's not about using Final Draft. It's about knowing what goes where and when to use what.

If I didn't know about this, I wouldn't and couldn't have written any film script. This is not my first feature-length one. Read it and maybe you'll have an idea about how much I know.

Anyway, the script is 'formatted'. Lessons taken I guess ;) Thanks Dustin.

Hello Jack

Have to say, I am a huge Alex Garland fan. I read The Beach about five times whilst on my travels.  So, as you can imagine, this caught my eye.

The concept isn't yours, that goes without saying. I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time for writing, what I assume to be a writing exercise on your behalf.

Although, I struggled to get past page three. Not to be harsh, but the writing needs tightened up.

An OPERATOR is asleep = An OPERATOR sleeps.

A DOOR SUPERVISOR is lying in a corner =  A DOOR SUPERVISOR lies in the corner. ..or is it lay, ah, need to check that.

Your over all action is bland, Your dialogue is on the nose,  and you use a lot of colourless and redundant words throughout.

Okay, so I'm being a little harsh. But, congrats on finishing a feature, that is an achievement.

Do a couple of rewrites and repost,  and I will happily take another look.

Good luck

Stuart

Hello Stuart,

I know the concept isn't mine, that's why I credited Alex Garland. I'm a huge fan of his work as well.

There are many ways to say something and write it, and I guess one is as good as another. Also, I don't know what you mean by 'colourless words'. Anyway.

It's not exactly a writing exercise. And it's not the first feature I manage to finish.

Hi Jack

I sense, you didn't appreciate my feedback, apologies if I offended you or your screenplay. So I will make this my last post on the subject.

There are many ways to write, with many different styles. Although in screenwriting, its best to keep your writing tight and to the point. For instance: Dropping words like, is, are, the...etc.

Colourless words are plain, less dressy, they don't paint a picture that induces emotion, making it hard to visualize.  

Good luck

Stuart

Hey Stuart,

No, you didn't offend me at all. I use everything that is told me for improvement.

I just don't agree with you, especially about dropping 'the', 'is', are' etc. you can't write a script without all this.

Writing a script is about showing what's supposed to happen on the screen and only that. It depends on the reader's personality when it comes to emotion and other feelings.

Thanks, Jack

Hi Jack

Most would show a little gratitude, even if they don't like the feedback, by saying cheers or something along those lines, that's why I thought you were offended.

Also, I didn't mean for you to drop all those words, because that would be ridiculous.  Just to drop them, where they weren't needed, as I stated in my first post.

Cheers

Stuart

Stuart, Jack already knows it all... best to just leave him to it.

I took another peek to see if Jack actually knows what he's talking about.

The script FADE INs on page 2. I get it that you're not using a professional program, but even on Word, you can fix this.

TIMELESS isn't a time of day. Is it DAY or NIGHT?

Quoted Text An OPERATOR is asleep, in front of all his screens that go black one after another.

This sentence doesn't make sense. I get that he's asleep, but then what happens? Do the TVs lose their power, or do the TVs lose the live feed from the cameras? Both show different things. Would it be better, story wise, if some kind of error pops up? CONNECTION LOST TO CAMERA 1, CAMERA 2, CAMERA 3, and so forth?

Quoted Text A voice yells through a walkie-talkie on the table.

How about you just show us a voice yelling through a radio?

VOICE ON RADIO (V/O)
Charlie to CCTV. Do you copy? Hey Reg, you alive?

If you like the transitions, for pacing, or your own enjoyment, leave them in but most writers don't use them anymore. It's up to you but I think they're a waste.

I'm not sure what a door supervisor is. Show us that he's a level or two above the Operator. Better looking suit? Different colored badge?

Your descriptions need work. Right now, they're flat. No energy. No pulse. No excitement. Something is obviously happening that should be exciting, but I'm bored.

Quoted Text He reaches a larger corridor, with many doors on both walls. The loud voices sound to come from one of the rooms in the back.

How does he reach the larger corridor? Does he come to a turn? He uses his security badge to open a set of doors? Show us, don't tell us. This is elementary screenwriting concepts. Also, you've got that orphan.

Quoted Text He sees a group of people coming out from one of those rooms (three men, one of them in a white overall, and a woman), then running straight to him, faster and faster, snarling ferociously. But the heavy pain stops him from quickly realizing what's happening. When he finally does, it's too late.

SHOW ME.

Three MEN - one in a blood stained white overall - and a WOMAN crash through the heavy door and snarl. Door supervisor holds his breath. Then the crackle of his radio breaks the silence. The overalled man slowly turns his neck, exposing the torn flesh at his collar, and flares his nose.

The MAN lunges, followed by the others.

Door supervisor stumbles back, tries to open the door but he drops his security card.

He falls to his knees as the blooded man knocks him over. The Door Supervisor's scream is silenced as he feels his throat torn from his neck.

I don't know if we need three men in a woman. Why not one? Two at the most?

If you have 96 pages of the same, no thanks. I can appreciate the dedication and the work that goes into writing a feature, but in my opinion, this script could be so much better.

Quoted Text It depends on the reader's personality when it comes to emotion and other feelings.

That attitude does a great disservice to your readers. It's lazy. Try harder. As a writer, it's our responsibility to pull the yarn and bring the writer where we want them to be. To use an analogy, we are the human. The story is the yarn. Your readers are kittens who really want to play with that yarn, and we drag the yarn around the living room, and the kitten tries his best to follow. He wants the yarn.

As a writer, we don't let him have the yarn until we want him to. Maybe we give him the yarn for a few seconds but pull it away really fast and the kitten has to catch up. If we don't give the kitten what he wants, at least a little bit, the kitten will tire and move on to something else. We do not want our readers to be the kitten that gets excitement from something else.

My personality has nothing to do with how I read anything.

Dustin

Think you might be right.

ABennettWriter

loving the kitten metaphor, but think it might be falling on deaf ears.

Cheers

Stuart

I like the kitten and the yarn analogy. :)

Hey, Jack

Now, that was entertaining. Seeing you guys go back and forth like that. Jack way to stick up for yourself, but you have realize Tony’s first comment if nothing else should tell you people are looking for a reason to say “PASS,” don’t give it to them especially a simple fixes. I agree with Dustin the log line needs work, and you shouldn’t count on the audience knowledge as a pass for not generating your own hook. However, I don’t think you’re trying to steel anyone’s idea, and I’ve seen a few “remakes,” “re-imagining” whatever you want to call it, so. But, Dustin does point out some legit issues and easy fixes such as the CCTV slug line. I read about 15 pages before I got distracted in that the words struggled to create a clear picture, also, the pacing didn’t fit for me.

Good luck, man. Don’t forget to check other’s scripts and comment.

BLB

Tony's first comment does not reflect other people on this board. Tony also stands by Tony's first comment 100%

Clearly, we're too dense to see the greatness of Jack's work.

This is getting ridiculous.  Please cease and desist -- unless you care to read and comment in a useful fashion.

Thanks in advance.

Hi Jack, and welcome to the boards.

I decided to take a look here and see what the fuss was about, and it is fairly evident what folks are telling you.

I think your defenses are going up because you misinterpret these comments as telling you the writing is poor.  That is not the case, but it is not "quite" right for a screenplay.

You are being given some broad, general comments that will help if you can make yourself open to hearing them.

I see you also write books, and that is probably part of the problem.  You have obviously studied up on screenplay format, but what you seem to have missed is that you need to "shift gears" a bit in how you use verbs.  There is an "immediacy" to screenplays that is different from long-form prose.  The form is different in a variety of subtle ways.

To be fair, I skipped to points late in the script to ensure you are doing this throughout, and you do.

*  "A shape is standing on the outside" should be "A shape stands outside"
*  "They see a soldier entering the frame" should be "A soldier enters the frame"
*  "Robert starts sobbing, violently" should be "Robert sobs violently"

Quoted from JackF I just don't agree with you, especially about dropping 'the', 'is', are' etc. you can't write a script without all this.

You are right that this is, of course, an extreme and absurd generalization.  There is no iron-clad rule, but where you can do without them, you really should.  Same goes for verbs ending in "ing".

If this script is being shopped around, you would be well served to at least tighten things up a bit in this regard.

Once done -- and you read it through again -- I suspect you'll be glad you did.

Hello guys,

One question, how can a so poorly written script get so popular? ;)

@ABennettWriter - thanks for your feedback but I believe you ask too much from a script. You're asking for descriptions that are convenient for a novel, not really for a script - you're asking for things you wouldn't care about as you watch the produced film version - the level between a door supervisor and a CCTV operator for instance. Basically no viewer would care about that.

As the screens go black, why should I specify what happens? The script is a prequel to a famous film. Did you see it? If you did, then you can guess what happens. If you didn't, then it's suggested by the events occurring later on.

I guess you didn't see '28 Days Later' - if you had seen this film, you'd know that there are three men (one in a white overall) and one woman inside the lab as the virus is unleashed. You'd also know that the voice from the male researcher in the white overall, inside the lab, as he sees the activists breaking in - his voice breaking through the radio is not "Charlie to CCTV. Do you copy? Hey Reg, you alive?" but "Security, we have a break-in, get to Section...".

Also, you seem to forget that the door supervisor is recovering from a knock-down. He's not using a security card, and he doesn't make a turn, he just keeps walking and reaches this corridor on a side.

Still, I agree with you about the lack of energy. I'll work on that.

@bert I believe the problem may come from the fact that English is not my native language. I'm French, as I told Tony in my very first comment. Thanks for your advice.

Still, if you get through the script, you'll see that I use the present tense all the time, even when I use the -ing that adds to the immediacy - and I did that only once or twice. And when I use 'start' (He starts sobbing) it's in order to be more specific about an action that goes on instead of stopping right away.

I have updated the script several times, following what is said here, but I also have the right not to agree with everything.

I'm currently working on another text.

Cheers, Jack