Monster Spray - OWC - Print Topic

I’ll say upfront that I chose this based on the Monster Spray logline, so at the very least that concept has legs with me.

If the conversation between the Mother and Girl is just prelude to the real story, it should probably be cut to a page and a half. Cracks about Dad and zombies are cute, but are they important?

Without getting specific or nitpicky, the writing needs some work. Page 3 is thick, over described, has a fair share of typos, but most importantly lacks clarity. Just one example is describing the DELIVERY MAN as the driver, then saying no driver is seen in the same paragraph. How are those two things happening at the same time?

This didn’t really do much for me. The thing that drew me to it seemed pretty absent. I’m guessing you had a concept, but not enough time to develop. Oh well. I still like the idea of a monster spray, I think the Mad Scientist could be cut out. Just stay with the little girl and mom’s “Monster Spray” and explore the girl’s curiosity in that context. IMO, that’s where the story is.

An intriguing logline!

The (Present Day) in the scene heading threw me out of the story for a bit.

Oh I see, it’s because the mum is telling a story. Is it a story or the distant past? The conversation between the mum and girl read unnatural, the dialogue needs work but it shows potential.

The mansion and laboratory seems to blow the low-budget on this.

I have no idea what’s going on at the end. Did it end? A pity, I think the Monster spray angle is a great idea but this didn’t quite work out for me I’m afraid.

-Mark

This had what seemed a very interesting premise, one that wasn't used at all.

Fizzled out into nothing. No horror. Big budget.

Not for me.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) It's a one week challenge so being a bit rough round the edges is to be expected, but this could do with a polish.
2) PRESENT DAY and DISTANT PAST aren't in the right place in the slug, I think you show the PAST bit with the mail truck, so are these needed?
3) While his pace is not as fast - not as fast as what?
4) GIRL (off screen) - think this should be GIRL (V.O.)
5) You have the Mad Scientist and Igor go into the mansion without using and INT slug
6) And the end completely lost me!

Good bits:-
1) Fetch me the bunnies - love it
2) Igor as a dog and bunnies as slippers, also funny

Rules
Not sure this is low budget

Overall I thought the logline promised more and I don't really know what happened at the end or how it relates to present day.

Anthony

Writer,

Interesting premise but not handles too well. I like the set up, with a chance for a climax or a twist. However, this seems to morph into some kind of cautionary tale that just doesn't seem fully realized. I get it you had only a week, but this one misses the mark.

I did like the dialogue early on, but this just doesn't work for me as horror. But keep on plugging away! What you have is decent, but needs a lot more. Keep on reading and writing.

Steve

This one was a little weird. I like the idea of the monster spray and was very curious about where this story would go.

There were lots of technical issues here. PRESENT DAY for example. I though I will ignore the precent part and just stick with DAY, but then it turns out it's night time in the scene itself...

I liked that Igor was a beagle. I thought that was cute. Then I reached the end and I was wondering where the story went. It was almost as if you literarily ran out of time at 11:59pm and had to quit. It just ended at what didn't even feel mid story.

I would like to see this story continue and hopefully have that monster spray in it. That's a good idea.

I am fairly sure I know who wrote this one.

THE GOOD:  The premise itself is wonderful.  And framing this as a sweet bedtime exchange between mother and daughter is a good choice.  It is the quiet tone and the choice of subject matter that hints at the identity of the author.   Igor is a nice touch.  He should have a larger role.

THE BAD:  Some of the dialogue is stiff, particularly early on.  Page 3 is sorely in need of a trim.  I would bet you could get that down to five sentences or so.  And the ending.  It just fizzles out.  If I am correct about the author, they said they were rushed, and this does feel rushed.  Not their best work, but the concept holds promise.

bert's grade:  C

The good news...

Bert and I seem to be using a similar style for our reviews this time around.

Your logline is intriguing...short and sweet and made me want to read on.

The not so good news...

Opening Slug - don't put something like "PRESENT DAY" in your Slug. This is a SUPER, if anything.

Not naming your characters.

The bad news...

The writing is not good, sorry to say. Right from the start, it's not good, but actually gets much worse.

Dialogue form both Mother and Girl does not seem remotely believable.

Writing mistakes of all kinds popping up everywhere.

Almost all dialogue up to Page 3, where I bailed, which leads me to a grade of...

D-

Hey writer.

This is a fun concept. The way I understood it - the girl is a monster and her Daddy turned her into a human? So, I really liked the premise here.

You need to work on formatting - like the song in the end should be formatted like the rest of the dialog.
Probably clean up the writing. Starting with the very first paragraph - looks like the door opens by itself. Then they start all those crazy smiles and smirks at each other - the girl and her morther - that read really weird.
I think you could have less of "smiles" at her. All those small actions take you out of a read IMO.
Less of exclamation marks - that makes me for instance think that it's a comedy. And it's not, right?

It's a light little read just needs grand cleaning in my opinion.

Monster spray

Great title.

Margins and page numbers are incorrect.

This reads as a rushed entry. I also miss the horror. Rewrite needed. I want to see this monster spray, its usage, and more creepiness in this yet solid bedtime story. It has potential if rethought completely.

This one needs a lot of work.

3 out of 10.

Reads incomplete.

Not going to dwell on format etc. and perhaps this was rushed, but a lot of missing punctuation affected the enjoyment and distracted from the story unfortunately.

I love the idea of a Monster spray...
Unfortunately it didn't deliver on that idea.

Little helpful hint, if I may - you seem to believe ellipses = child's dialogue. You got the tone right, with the kid, nevertheless.

Unfortunately when Igor made an appearance I started to skim, and I have no real idea where the story went at the end, either.

Another helpful hint (I hope) 'lies in bed' not lays, for future reference.

It started off pretty well and I liked some of the ideas/imagery with the truck pulling up, the package at the door etc.

This definitely throttles the needle on a ‘Cute-o-Meter’, but I’m curious (as others) why it ended so abruptly when you easily had 3 more pages of real estate to put a cap on it?

“Is this about Halloween and the monsters those little boys at your school were talking about?”

Yup, been there, done that. One kid in my daughter’s class spilled the beans about ‘Bloody Mary’, and inadvertently made every kid within ear shot… sh!t the bed for a month.

“How many monsters does it take to change a light bulb?” … waiting. How can you just leave us hanging like that?

I was thinking, during the weaving of the spell: “What are little boys made of, Snips & snails & puppy dogs tails.”

You could whip pan over to Igor breaking the fourth with: “HUH!?”

Anyways, without a complete story to go on, it’s all just conjecture of course. I do like the concept though, it's kind of like Jack Black’s ‘Vapoorize”.

Ernest William,

The logline definitely interests me.

Is this the shortest yet, at five and a bit pages?

Anyway, your slugs are wrongly written. Example: EXT. MANSION ESTATE – VERY CLOUDY AFTERNOON (DISTANT PAST)
Should be: EXT. MANSION ESTATE - DAY
You can describe how cloudy it is in the action lines. Distant past should be a super.

This is full of grammatical errors, formatting errors, spelling mistakes and more. The story itself isn't complete. It's the shortest one I've read so far, but why? It's incomplete. There's nothing here that I enjoyed, sorry to say.

Glenn.

Ok probably my FAVORITE logline/concept/title so far.

But...ok right out of the gate...you got this load of exposition delivered in dialogue that is so on the nose. The action lines are a bit hard to get through as well. I mean it takes two pages of that expo and we are not at a story yet. This is a GREAT concept.

Then the whole mad scientist and dog is reminding me of a script I read in here years ago.

Wow...really really great concept but the story does not really deliver for me. But you got serious imagination chops...so get the writing down and learn a little about structure and what makes a story work because you have something here worth taking the time to rewrite it into something really marketable in my opinion.

I have to say GREAT job on concept... work on the story.

I love the initial concept of this one, but felt it really ran off the rails in the last 2 3rds. The idea of a mother assuring a frightened little girl about monsters is really full of potential - and that's what I expected when I cracked this one open.

But when it switched over to the fantasy Frankenstein sequence, the story really lost me. My impression - that you weren't sure where to take this, and grabbed the first idea you thought of. If so, I'd rework this one. But a very charming basic story to be played with (at least, in the way it opens...)

Cheers,

--J (W)