Kitty & Moonwolf by John Robbins - Short - With the last piece of candy at stake, a stubborn feline challenges her canine nemesis to a duel of rock-paper-scissors. - pdf, format 8)

Quick thoughts on this:

The writing was very good and creative. A bit fantastical even.  But was this really a script about a game? The rock paper scissors was really only a very small part of the story (side note: I guess animated dogs and cats can play rock paper scissors - you did keep referencing hands instead of paws, btw).  Overall, the story was more about the lemonsmacks than anything else. Any why did Kitty want one anyway when she turned her nose up at it to begin with?  Still, overall, not a bad effort here

Ratings (out of 5):

Concept: 4
Story: 4
Character: 4
Dialogue: 3.5
Structure: 3.5
Writing: 4
Overall: 3.83

Good job and good luck!
Gary

Good luck!
Gary

Lost me at page 4 when the game turned into an armoured fight. Reading on, I see it's just cartoon-like over exaggeration, but still...

Writing is good, but I'm not much of a cartoon person.

Writer,

You know, I didn't want to like this. I was looking forward to hating when I saw SCREW IT - FADE BACK IN and decided I just kinda like this whole goofy, animation type script. Your dialogue is breezy and refreshing, imagery is wonderful. Maybe no board game, but a game nevertheless. Not much at stake, though, but maybe to a child the last lemonsmack for Kitty would be a big deal, indeed. I would love to see this made. I think it'd look spectacular. Good luck and

Overall, pretty good.

Steve

WTF did I just read?  

I was completely confused.  I know it was for a kid, but, then you have guys chopping his head off, blood guts etc.  It was odd.  Even for my dark humor, it was odd...

It was original and for the longest time, I thought the characters were the game that I had no idea about....

I'd give it a 5/10.  It was just so far out there, that my tripping brain couldn't handle it.

Sorry

Dan
ps, I did NOT write this one  (no double fake out :)  )

I enjoyed the first three pages, as they were silly and fun.

On page 4, I got so confused. What was even going on?

I did enjoy how Kitty kept increasing the number of games.

Kitty and Moonwolf act like they have met Rocky Sizza before ("Who are you again?" "You know how much I like...") but he doesn't seem to have met them before. If they have never met, lose the "again" and change the wording of the other one.

The ending seems to come to suddenly. Moonwolf has spent like 7 pages fighting Kitty to keep the candy, then he just gives it up.

SCREW IT - FADE BACK IN... I guess you're not taking your own script seriously ;D;D

Where was the Friday night game? Rock,paper, scissors? :D

I had to reread a lot of it, it was confusing.

I like how you went the animated route, that's definitely a plus in my book.. something different

Would appeal to younger audiences for sure, just not my thing.

Good job overall

Someone had a good time writing this.  I found it to be a pleasant enough lighthearted contest between cat and dog(how do they RPG with paws?)  But then this Rocky Sizza guy shows up and things got a lot murkier.  The game aspect was no longer essential to the story and more of an afterthought.  I'd like to see another version without the Rocky character to interfere with the cat/dog tension.  This was a different take on the challenge, which is always appreciated, but it needs to be clarified and streamlined.

Thoughts are mine, often they should stay so...

Well definitely a different one, marks for that!

Was enjoying the opening, but then Kitty is wearing armor... I know it's a cartoon but this didn't work for me,

Liked her constantly changing the 'out of' bit... funny

I got lost a bit in the middle, but liked the end...

As I said, different.

Hmmm....

BTW - based on the absolute wildness of the imagination, I have a *suspicion* who wrote this one.  

Pros and cons.  Delightful to read, since it's so bizarre. And the writing itself was clean - obviously a pro that's been around the block with Final Draft many times.

Cons: well, I really *don't* think the story fits the criteria of family game night.  And - I really have no idea how this actually ended... it kind of disintegrated into animated chaos.

That said, it still was a quick, fun read.  So kudos there, anyway!  :)

The 'family game night' was just a way to liken the challenge to something and not meant to be taken literally. It was not a stipulation that it must be a family board game. It could be any game.

The writer has a great imagination and a unique voice, so points for that.

This sort of thing isn't really my bag, but for the intended audience might be well received.

Not sure what Kitty seemed so disgusted by the candy when it was first offered if she really wanted it so badly.

Lol, wildly creative! This plays out like anime on crack. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what happened but, I don't think it matters at this point. My daughter draws Anime, I'm gonna' show her this script... she literally says strange things like this from time to time;

"Kitty looks around. Nobody in sight. She opens a safe. Inside is a PIGGY BANK. She shatters it with a hammer and cuddles up with her candy - a glutton for the crinkling of wrappers."

Awesome...

Imaginative, entertaining, and solid writing.

I've got nothing more to add about formatting or writing.  Not a genre I am familiar with. But was amusing and funny and creative. I like it a lot

This made me realize how difficult it must be to write a script for a Saturday-morning type cartoon. It's not all boinnng and grrrrrr.
Not only that, it's not easy to read a cartoon script. A reader's normal reactions to overwriting and exaggeration go out the window.
When I reread this one, I found myself picturing the craziness on screen. I could see it in my head.
So -- props to the writer for (1) a creative take on the theme, and (2) making it work.

MOON WOLF? Stop right there - love it.

Well that was a tad bonkers

I don't think it quite delivered its punch but I did love some aspects. Just the notion of a dispute being solved with Rock Paper Scissors made me chuckle, as did the front page.

Rocky was a very creative creature but also disappointing in terms of what he does etc. to a degree it was style over function, with the story being rather light.

Not my thing in the end, but nice effort and I applaud the difference.

Inventive, entertaining take on the OWC. While I thought the gore could have been substituted for more of a "Wile e Coyote" approach (where he would have comical accidents while after the Road Runner) so there might be something more kid-friendly. Not suggesting that all animation should be so, but talking  animals usually belong in that department.

Overall, the script is good.

And no, I'm not a fan of the title page.

Wow, super creative. While I'm definitely not your target audience can I have some of whatever it is you're on?

Okay,  now I'm going to admit I did start scanning at a certain point. Just not up my alley this type of thing, but well done and full credit for your most splendiferous concoction.

Sorry, didn't get through this one.  Not my cup of tea.

Best
Richard

Well - that was different. Well done for what it was - no my particular genre but it did demonstrate the difficulty in writing in this genre.

I got lost a bit here:

Quoted Text Rocky Sizza is so outraged, he cuts his own head off. Then he bashes his scissor-hand with the stone-hand, which prints out a fresh piece of paper displaying a SMILEY EMOJI.

Ricky has dialogue immediately after this and not sure how he was talking with no head.

Kitty and Moonwolf

Whaaaatt???

How you established those "when-Kitty-is-thinking-images" is awesome. And all those events are also beautifully merging and moving in other happenings right on the damn display as in a high quality cartoon. Soooo funny with a sweet tone and spontanoues, playful plot kids love.

What's going on with you?

One of the best shorts I have ever read, even if it's not my genre. It's brilliant work imo.

A+

Love the title and love the title page. Kudos there!

Wow. Excellent writing on display here. Excellent dialogue as well...punchy and natural sounding.

OMG I loved this. One of my favorites in the challenge and I think the game fits good enough IMO.

GREAT job. GREAT writing. FUN characters with real voice. Me likes!

KUDOS.