Super Singles by Stan Lee (a different Stan Lee) - Short, Comedy - For one night only,  Professor X seeks to spread hero-mance between the greatest, the not-so-great, and the unheard of.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Interesting title and longline.

You creeped over the page count by a few lines, but still one of the funnier scripts I've read.
Plenty of superheroes on show along with the wannabes. Quick one liners and a nice ending... I wasn't sure what was gonna happen with Laura.

Great job on entering.

I'm sorry, but any entry that goes over the page count is gonna be out for me, as I remember all too well how much time and trouble I've spent making sure my entries NEVER went over that limit.

Your opening passage is extremely weak with many mistakes.  How can anyone "see" "the smell of stale beer and body odor"?  Really poor beginning.

Writer,

Very funny in places! The whole scene seems like one big mash up, and it makes for quite a visual. Just not so sure there's a story in here as much as its about a bunch of one liners -- albeit funny one. Even the tide wouldn't take you out!  :)

Steve

Ok, the writer of this contacted me and explained why he went over. It was a pretty legit reason involving a shag opportunity (sorry bro lol) . Being a bit of a farkin larrikiin meself, I could identify with his quandary so here's my two bobs worth:

Nice idea, pretty well written and I got some good laughs from it!

7 laughs out of 10

Oh I enjoyed that

Do I mark you down on the page count, I should because it was an easy fix with just the removal of one gag. But I still liked it

'Not even the tide would take you out ' :D

What also quite good about this is the the ability to have it filmed. I guessed this competition would be split between the those that are a sketch, single location more banter, and those more story style. Both are fine IMO for this challenge.

I enjoyed.

Sorry, this didn't work for me.  I guess I'm the odd person out, but, I didn't feel it.  

I found it sad.  Not good for a comedy.

All the Aquaman hate, why?  What'd he do to you?  I used to like his HB cartoon back in the 60s...  Yeah, I'm old.

6/10

Dan

It's a shame you crept over the page count as there's some really good stuff in there.

A few minor formatting issues, and also not any real laugh out loud moments, but definitely enough to keep me reading. It's a good effort but the page count rules it out for myself

There’s some truly great one liners in here but no reason at all for going over the page count. You could easily trim those few lines.

However, that aside I found this all over the place. The dialogue was funny but the rest was a real mash of….everything really and quite confusing. I think (and correct me if I’m wrong here) Don stipulated unknown superheroes so scripts had the potential to be produced without worrying about franchise/legal issues. A few scripts like this have used licences heroes which blows all such opportunity out of the water.

Loved the verbal gags but the rest didn’t do much for me, sorry.

-Mark

Hey guys,
      This only has 8 comments, including my review.  That isn't right.  This writer spent time and heart on this script.  We should give it some reads.  

No, I didn't write this one either.  I just feel bad for them.

Dan

Not really my kind of humour, but I can see that this is liked by most that have read it. Maybe I'd laugh if I watched it, but reading it, I found it difficult to get into the humour. Well written.

Woke up early this morning, so I figured I should read and comment on at least one script. Picked this one due to lack of comments. Not sure why there are so few of them. Did it go over the page count? If so, I didn't notice because it was a quick read. I've also read a few other entries, but didn't comment. At least not yet. One script I read was loaded with "comedy" in the action paragraphs, but there was none in dialogue or visually that would show on film. This script had both IMHO. When writing comedy, it's important to have some comedic feel in the prose too. That helps keep the mood on track while reading.

As someone who despises superheroes, I'm not familiar with any of them other than the biggest ones like Superman and Batman. Because of this, I'm sure I missed some of the jokes. Regardless, I thought this one had some funny visuals and some great oneliners as well. I personally would ditch the watermelon through a garden hose though. Unless that one is so common these days it's almost standard issue. I had some construction guys at work outside my office. I think they forgot I was in there, so for two days, I had to listen to them. One guy boasted that his girlfriend could suck a golfball through a garden hose. The other guy replied with, that should come in handy next time you get a kidney stone. Anyway, I guess what I mean is, it's a good joke. A classic even, but feels stale when used in a comedy.

The start of this script was a little confusing. I pictured this bar with all these low lifers. I had no idea they were supposed to be superheroes, but that's an easy fix.

Like most good comedies, this one had it's sad moments as well and genuinely felt sorry for Laura. What would make this story better is if Laura somehow could get her comeuppance against the beautiful Wonder woman and Cat woman.

Good effort here, IMO. There was comedy and there were a bunch of superheroes.  8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Woke up early this morning, so I figured I should read and comment on at least one script. Picked this one due to lack of comments. Not sure why there are so few of them. Did it go over the page count? If so, I didn't notice because it was a quick read. I've also read a few other entries, but didn't comment. At least not yet. One script I read was loaded with "comedy" in the action paragraphs, but there was none in dialogue or visually that would show on film. This script had both IMHO. When writing comedy, it's important to have some comedic feel in the prose too. That helps keep the mood on track while reading. As someone who despises superheroes, I'm not familiar with any of them other than the biggest ones like Superman and Batman. Because of this, I'm sure I missed some of the jokes. Regardless, I thought this one had some funny visuals and some great oneliners as well. I personally would ditch the watermelon through a garden hose though. Unless that one is so common these days it's almost standard issue. I had some construction guys at work outside my office. I think they forgot I was in there, so for two days, I had to listen to them. One guy boasted that his girlfriend could suck a golfball through a garden hose. The other guy replied with, that should come in handy next time you get a kidney stone. Anyway, I guess what I mean is, it's a good joke. A classic even, but feels stale when used in a comedy. The start of this script was a little confusing. I pictured this bar with all these low lifers. I had no idea they were supposed to be superheroes, but that's an easy fix. Like most good comedies, this one had it's sad moments as well and genuinely felt sorry for Laura. What would make this story better is if Laura somehow could get her comeuppance against the beautiful Wonder woman and Cat woman. Good effort here, IMO. There was comedy and there were a bunch of superheroes.  8)

I agree, this story is a good read.  I only gave it 6 out of 10 b/c I like aquaman and some other errors, but, it's worthy of a read.  The fact that it barely has 10 unique comments (actually, I don't think it does) is criminal.  

Yes, it went over the page count, by like 4 lines.  Not a big deal.  It should have more reads.  

That's my rant for the day.

Pia's right, this story deserves better.

Dan

Not crazy about the opening:

Quoted Text The bar is dark in the barely lit room. The smell of stale beer and body odor fills the air. It's den of debauchery, alcoholism and the great unwashed of the town.

Already know it is a bar from the slug and the rest of the description is unfilmable. I would have rather had more actual description - e.g., The lights are dimmed, half empty shot glasses and empty beer bottles strewn about - etc. Anyway - minor detail.

Quoted Text JOE Now why the hell would I want another empty glass

Great line - made me laugh.

Quoted Text WOMAN (O.S.) Using your powers of stupidness I see.

think there should be a comma after stupidness (which I think would read better as stupidity - although I liked the line).

Quoted Text her face matches the backside of a rhino's scrotum.

Too over the top for me.

I got lost on Joe and Laura's super powers. Are they really detecting dog poop (Joe) and sucking (Laura)??? Laura's has a nice comedic element. Joe's not so sure.

Quoted Text JOE Sweet Magnatron! even the tide wouldn't take you out.

This is the funniest single line from the entire competition.

Matter Eater Lad didn't do it for me - took a couple of reads for me to fugure he ate the mic - maybe if you had him slurping up the last of the cord.

I'm at Hong Kong Phooey now - here - I MO - you've shifted from witty (earlier part of the script) to silly. I prefer witty. This doesn't work at all for me (i.e., the entire bath room thing).

Quoted Text Aquaman stands in the middle of the floor, scratches his chin, undecided.

Funny visual.

Quoted Text LAURA Wait, you're Batman. Blind as a bat.

This doesn't do it for me since Batman is not blind - Bats are. It should have been flipped somehow - her saying - you okay with the face and him saying something akin to I'm Batman - doesn't mean I'm blind as one.

Joe needs a better Super Power. I think it would work if his was the ability to change people's faces temporarily - that way he could have helped the Sis.

Overall:

Two of the funniest lines in the challenge - so kudos for that.

The bathroom scene moved this from clever to a bit inane and it could have been chopped (would have made making the page count a breeze).

Joe's Super Powers are not for me. I think you missed an opportunity here.  

Other than the opening bar description. The writing in terms of format, style, etc was pretty solid.

Bats are not actually blind. I read some recent research that suggests bats have eyesight just as good as our own, if not better in some species. Perhaps worse in others. But still, pretty good, and they aren't blind. They use echo location as an extra aid during nocturnal hunts.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Bats are not actually blind. I read some recent research that suggests bats have eyesight just as good as our own, if not better in some species. Perhaps worse in others. But still, pretty good, and they aren't blind. They use echo location as an extra aid during nocturnal hunts.

Ah - but a Bat (or Batman) in love would be, since love is blind.

Blinded by love... good one.

This was funny, Mark.

I really liked it. It reminds me of another one here in the pile - Hand Jobs Are Easy - that one is pornish though, but have a romantic feel.

I felt sorry for Laura, but I wish it was more about her and less of the focus on the others. At moments I didn't know who the script is about - I think it would benefit from following Laura. Maybe exploring her past relationships a bit, untill she meets Batman at the end. That Batman scene was a true culmination - if some scripts suffer from ending abruptly, yours definitely doesn't - the ending is very satisfying.

Some of the lines you could cut like XAVIER "Wow, the future is in safe hands" (I didn't understand the joke here) - leave only super fun stuff from the other characters so the attention would be on Laura.

A bit more conflict would benefit this as well. But I have no idea how to achieve that.  

Anyway, funny short. Nice dialog. Funny dialog... This is a good one.

Well, this was a pretty good romp that only cared about delivering some laughs.  Very little in the way of story, but a funny setup with the superheroes revealing themselves as a bunch of sick creeps.

Can't say I'm an expert on rhino scrote, but the comparison to the woman's face seemed odd, given she was only 29.  I just pictured a gray wrinkly mass.  

Good gag with Matter Eater lad.  I think I must have read the same article you did on worst superheroes ever.  He was an honest to god hero who just ate any shit you put in front of him.  Also liked the joke with the sexually confused Aqua Man.  

As for going over the limit, the obvious solution would have been to just remove all mention of Hong Kong Phooey.  He didn't belong in this freak show.  Otherwise, some funny stuff here.

Quoted from Ryan1 Well, this was a pretty good romp that only cared about delivering some laughs.  Very little in the way of story, but a funny setup with the superheroes revealing themselves as a bunch of sick creeps. Can't say I'm an expert on rhino scrote, but the comparison to the woman's face seemed odd, given she was only 29.  I just pictured a gray wrinkly mass.   Good gag with Matter Eater lad.  I think I must have read the same article you did on worst superheroes ever.  He was an honest to god hero who just ate any shit you put in front of him.  Also liked the joke with the sexually confused Aqua Man.   As for going over the limit, the obvious solution would have been to just remove all mention of Hong Kong Phooey.  He didn't belong in this freak show.  Otherwise, some funny stuff here.

You read that article too?

I actually saw an episode (cartoon) back in the day and he was in it.  He could eat anything.  I'm sorry, that isn't a useless power.  Gluttony has that same ability in Fullmetal Alchemist and he was scary.  Very scary.  

That article did have some funny ones, personally, I don't get the squirrel girl love, but, I'm not a girl, I think... lemme check...

still not sure

Yep, I'm a guy...  

anyways, I think someone thought of this, but, a support group for people that have terrible super powers might have been funny.  Anyone watch "Sky High?"  Those sidekicks had some pretty useless powers (turning into a puddle, glowing, and turning into a hamster).  I never understood why they thought that Danielle's character of making plants grow and listen to her was sidekick material, I saw the power right away...

I'm glad this tory picked up some reads.  It wasn't a bad story.  Good to see it getting some love.

Dan

I read this last weekend. Just read it again now. Last weekend there were, I think, at least six comments already up. I didn't feel there was anything I had to add to the critiques that were already there. So, my apologies. I didn't comment at that time. Having re-read it and given it more thought . . .

I'm focused on the part of the challenge that says, "You are creating a completely new character and letting them roam free and destroy the villains." You did introduce some new superheroes with new powers but I felt they were constantly being overshadowed by the traditional superheroes in the bar.

I wanted to know more about how Matter-Eater Lad would apply his powers to destroy villains. Joe can predict bowel movements? I wanna know how this is applied in fighting crime.

Definitely some funny lines. Very cleanly written. Glad I gave it a second look.

Quoted from Wes I read this last weekend. Just read it again now. Last weekend there were, I think, at least six comments already up. I didn't feel there was anything I had to add to the critiques that were already there. So, my apologies. I didn't comment at that time. Having re-read it and given it more thought . . . I'm focused on the part of the challenge that says, "You are creating a completely new character and letting them roam free and destroy the villains." You did introduce some new superheroes with new powers but I felt they were constantly being overshadowed by the traditional superheroes in the bar. I wanted to know more about how Matter-Eater Lad would apply his powers to destroy villains. Joe can predict bowel movements? I wanna know how this is applied in fighting crime. Definitely some funny lines. Very cleanly written. Glad I gave it a second look.

I'm actually probably one of the few that likes Matter-Eater Lad.  He can eat anything, including people.  There is nothing he can't bite or eat threw.  He could eat through a fence.  If you put him in handcuffs, he can eat them.  I think he has super strength too, or at least is stronger then a normal man.  Can't recall any other powers.  

He's a fun character with a crazy power.  Like I said, Gluttony on Fullmetal Alchemist had the same power and he was scary.  I'm sure they could do something cool with him.

Dan

Quoted from DanC I'm actually probably one of the few that likes Matter-Eater Lad.  He can eat anything, including people.  There is nothing he can't bite or eat threw.  He could eat through a fence.  If you put him in handcuffs, he can eat them.  I think he has super strength too, or at least is stronger then a normal man.  Can't recall any other powers.

I was actually curious about this too.  According to DC, Matter Eater Lad (Tenzil Kem) is a Bismollian who can eat any substance in any amount at super-speed. He can consume an unlimited amount of matter in any form - solid, liquid or gas. He once hollowed out a large meteor in a matter of minutes.  He can metabolize food almost instantaneously, and if needed, they can consume tons of food in minutes. Bismollians don't normally possess super-speed but as soon as the digestion process begins, the matter consumed is immediately transformed into food energy by the Bismollian "stomach". That energy fuels the person to move at a faster and faster rate of speed, as long as the energy supply keeps coming. When the person stops eating, the excess energy is collected and stored, in concentrated form, in cells very similar to human fat cells. Over the course of a couple of days, this stored energy is micro-diffused out of the body through pores in the skin.

In other words, if you own an all you can eat Chinese buffet, this is the last bastard you ever want to see walk through your doors.

Some clever lines here and I particularly like the gag about there being a lack of female heroes. I’m not sure Joe really counts as a superhero, though. And Batman at the end? I thought it’d be Daredevil coming along. He's the only blind one as far as I know.

The story is kind of buried. Laura’s desire is brought up, but she’s not the obvious protagonist and so much happens without her input that it becomes more like a series of gags. Some hitting. Some missing. Would’ve liked more story focus and an original superhero who actually factored into the story somehow.

Wait, Matter Eater Lad is a DC Superhero? Okay, well, yeah, I would have liked an original superhero in the mix too?

I'm gonna have to brush up on my knowledge of superheros.

Nice effort to cover the superhero bases. I chuckled (a lot) at some of the one liners but the overall theme wasn't my thing.

You stuffed many heroes and characters in. Suddenly, more and more of them appeared. First, I thought Joe is our prot. Then it was more about Laura. Concerning main characters, it was odd. At some point I realized you didn't care so much and rather walked with some chaos, which is fine. Some truly funny lines were presented, partly hilarious and enjoyable stuff.

Not everything worked for me story-wise; and lot did stall...
still, I felt that every line here, of whatever kind, is aiming at comedy. Not sure if anyone else went that road as disciplined.

All these superhero cameos added to the laughs. I suppose by knowing the character it makes for an immediate 'visual' and the comedy work upon that.

Some decent one liners in here which kept on coming, quite funny in places...  "her face matches the backside of a rhino's scrotum" is a visual I think I really do not want to ever see.

Good job.

Stan Lee pt.2,

Overall, this wasn't really for me. Some funny one liners here and there but a bit repetitive and failed to really hold my attention. The amount of heroes you had in this one didn't help, there was just too much happening with quite a bit not sticking. Interesting concept though.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

Hey Mark,

First... the elephant in the room. You could've *easily* fit this in six pages by cutting any one gag in this script (maybe two). They're all completely interchangeable. You don't even get to the singles night until the bottom of page three. What precedes it barely constitutes as setup. Lots of filler to do away with if you so choose.

I might not have minded any of this if the gags/one-liners were funny. Some are okay. A little broad, but I suppose that reads better. Others are crass and mean-spirited without seeming to have much thought put into them. Thought is key, as I definitely enjoy crass and mean-spirited from time to time and have enjoyed both in this very challenge.

The concept is great though. I just think you could've done more with it, namely by cutting down on the quantity of gags and focusing on ones of higher quality that are more complex and have some room to breathe in between each other... that is, if you wanna stick to the ensemble angle. You could just as easily gone with two characters engaged in a single encounter that unfolds over the course of the script.

Also... Matter-Eater Lad. Had to look this up. Turns out while brainstorming for this OWC, I came up with what I thought was an original character who had these exact same powers. I thought it was hilarious due to how inane and useless the powers are (I mean, even if he can eat anything, how fucking time-consuming; can't exactly employ in an emergency situation). Not sure if I should be proud to be thinking along the same lines as DC... or just embarrassed for DC and the fact that this is actually intellectual property.

Anyway, good concept, but kinda all over the place.

Quoted from James McClung Also... Matter-Eater Lad. Had to look this up. Turns out while brainstorming for this OWC, I came up with what I thought was an original character who had these exact same powers. I thought it was hilarious due to how inane and useless the powers are (I mean, even if he can eat anything, how fucking time-consuming; can't exactly employ in an emergency situation). Not sure if I should be proud to be thinking along the same lines as DC... or just embarrassed for DC and the fact that this is actually intellectual property.

Probably the best part of Matter Eater Lad: his home planet of Bismoll.  As in Pepto-Bismol.

I've not read other comments. And I'm late to the occasion. Rather.

I wanted to comment on this one, as it was one of the few I liked as soon as I started reading it. There are errors. But even those expensive paintings in galleries are not perfect any more.

It's also all over the show, plot wise I mean. Nevertheless, it did make me smirk a few times.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I like this script. Later on I'm going to read it again.

R

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not really my kind of humour, but I can see that this is liked by most that have read it.

I've now realised why this is liked by most that have read it... the writer told them who he was before they reviewed. So afraid of having the script slaughtered you had to tell your friends. Not just your friends, but even going so far as to cry about it in a public thread to everyone else, garnering even more overly pleasant reviews.

Oh well, if that's what you need to feel better, who am I to argue. Seems to me that positive reviews on this site are more important to you than actually getting anything produced. You just want people to lie to you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I've now realised why this is liked by most that have read it... the writer told them who he was before they reviewed. So afraid of having the script slaughtered you had to tell your friends. Not just your friends, but even going so far as to cry about it in a public thread to everyone else, garnering even more overly pleasant reviews. Oh well, if that's what you need to feel better, who am I to argue. Seems to me that positive reviews on this site are more important to you than actually getting anything produced. You just want people to lie to you.

Gotta disagree with you here Dustin. Mark only let people know it was his because he knew it would be ignored a bit because he went over the page length. I agreed to read it off my own bat and I gave it 7 laughs because it was pretty funny.

Dustin,

I don't think Mark was concerned with glowing reviews at all. And he didn't want peeps to lie to him either. Go back and look at his rant on the OWC thread. He was freakin pissed off that no one was reading it and how his script, and two others, were singled out for exceeding the page limit, almost guaranteeing that they wouldnt get as many reads as the rest. Now, it's unfortunate that he went over the  limit, and no excuse is going to change that fact. Understood. But all Mark wanted was a fair shake from the readers, like it or don't. If some readers now choose to look at it through rose colored glasses, that's their business and certainly not what Mark had intended.

I read this because Mark read mine. Fair is fair. Not sure if I would call my review glowing, although it certainly wasn't harsh either.

Would I have read the script if Mark hadn't revealed it was his? No. If the point of him doing so was to try and get more reads, it worked, and that's indeed shitty, but I don't think that's the case. Even so, he read my script, and fair is fair. Admittedly, that's an element I sorta glossed over thinking about scripts that exceeded the page length.

On the issue at large though, the page length was discussed at length before the deadline. Some people said they would avoid scripts that went over, and others said that's been the case in the past. At that point, I think not getting reads is the risk you take posting scripts that exceed the page length, and you're ultimately responsible for it.

Can't say that this one really worked too well for me. It took a while to get into the story and there's a lot of dialogue that could easily be cut to speed things up and get the script to fit the page limits.

There's a lot going on with different characters and the story itself didn't really hold my attention or seem like it was going anywhere. Quite a few writing errors throughout, I'm guessing this was rushed.

I thought there were some very funny one liners in here, made me lol, which few have managed to do.

But, I thought the action got a little repetitive and there were too many heroes on display for me, got a little confusing.

Props for getting Hong Kong Phooey in though - awesome!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood I thought there were some very funny one liners in here, made me lol, which few have managed to do. But, I thought the action got a little repetitive and there were too many heroes on display for me, got a little confusing. Props for getting Hong Kong Phooey in though - awesome!

I said this to Pia once, and will say it again.  I think it'd be a blast to do our take on a kids' cartoon we watched, well, as kids.  Since you are over the pond, did you get Hong Kong Phooney?  Herculoids etc?  It could be a blast.  I know that some countries didn't have access to some of the shows (HR Pufnstuf anyone, I still can't believe what they'd say actually made it past the censors) but, it would be fun.

Best HR Pufnstuf line (IMO) was "Hey Timmy, can I touch your magic flute?"  Yes, I know he has a magic flute, but, come'on you know there are so many other ways that could be taken.  And they already admitted that most of the show was done while everyone was high.  

And I gotta admit, I was a bit traumatized when I found out that witchie-poo was a man.  

Dan

This is scary, I swear I'm sat reading this in my Hong Kong Phooey shirt lol.

Well if I didn't already know who wrote this I think I could have probably guessed.  A good number of comedy gold lines that had me chuckling, none more so than Spiderman's 'Excuse me, ugly wench' lol.

I'm not sure how much plot is here but it's certainly funny but, is Hong Kong Phooey a super hero?

I enjoyed this, good effort.