Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Lullaby - Filmed as "Hush" - Watch Full Movie
Posted by: Don, June 12th, 2016, 10:33am
Lullaby by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A dad pushes his daughter on a park swing. A perfectly innocent moment until itís not. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

The Film

Hush (Horror Short Film) from Logan Ward on Vimeo.


Hush (Horror Short Film Trailer) from Logan Ward on Vimeo.

Posted by: AnthonyCawood, June 12th, 2016, 5:16pm; Reply: 1
Some of the imagery in this is great but the lack of any real build up makes it more of a sketch than a full blown story... is this mean to be part of something bigger?
Posted by: Warren, June 12th, 2016, 7:59pm; Reply: 2
Hi Anthony,

Thanks for the read and comment. The backstory to this is that it's the first short I've ever written and only the second piece of writing I've ever done. The first being a feature in this weeks unproduced scripts.

Until last week I had never seen a short (I know that's terrible), but once I found them I loved them. The one that stuck with me the most was Bedfellows. The way the writer (and the rest of the team) could conjure up such emotion in a little over two minutes, just brilliant.

That was my attempt with Lullaby. So in answer to your question, no it wasn't meant to be part of something bigger, but that's why I joined Simply scripts to see where I'm falling short and hopefully become a better writer for it.

Thanks again for the read. It's the first criticism I've ever gotten on something I've written. Potentially the first time something I've written has ever been read by someone other than me.

I'm glad you liked the imagery.


Just a side note. I've been trawling this site for about a year now and understand the how it works. I look forward to sharing my thoughts on scipts I read.
Posted by: AnthonyCawood, June 12th, 2016, 8:55pm; Reply: 3
Hey Warren, well as a first short this is a good effort, certainly for what is just one page!

Formatting, which often trips up new writers, is strong too.

Welcome to SS, get involved, comment on scripts etc and you'll get more reads back.

You might like this of mine on the other side of this coin -

Posted by: MarkItZero, June 12th, 2016, 10:43pm; Reply: 4
Warren -- This is a great first script. Cleanly written. Pretty disturbing lol, but good. I was very recently in the same position as you of not having anything I'd ever written read or critiqued before... it's slightly terrifying at first. Everyone's very helpful here though.
Posted by: Warren, June 13th, 2016, 1:02am; Reply: 5
Anthony - I will have a read of that script today and let you know what I think.

Really did try to nail the formatting so I'm happy to hear that.

MarkItZero - Thanks for the read.  Disturbing is what I was going for, so that's great.

It is definately terrifying. I found it really hard to hit the submit button, releasing them into the world. I do look forward to hearing people's opinions though.
Posted by: RichardR, June 14th, 2016, 3:22pm; Reply: 6

Some notes.

As others have pointed out, this isn't a real story with a real ending.  It works for what it is, but it needs a bit more.  If disturbing is what you're looking for, you found it.

Posted by: jwent6688, June 14th, 2016, 3:53pm; Reply: 7
This is pretty much a one pager with a cut or two. It would stand better on its own in that respect. There wasn't enough there to make the final scene have much impact on me. It needs more pages.

If it's formatting you're most concerned with here, Good luck. You will find different advice in every writer. I would've done the newspaper a tad different. No dashes unless it's a full slug.


It reads "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" and shows two pictures of her parents.


My two cents. It is well written, though. Just needs more guts.

Posted by: Warren, June 18th, 2016, 1:44pm; Reply: 8
Thanks for the reads.

I purposefully wrote this as a 'very short' short. I wanted to see what I could do and how effective it would be using imagery and setting tone is an extremely  short space of time.
Posted by: Dustin, June 18th, 2016, 2:27pm; Reply: 9
You start with an overcast day... but it may be better if it was sunny. Contrast. Maybe the play area is in fact in the killer's back garden. Although to begin with the viewer has the impression it's a public park. This way you can milk the reveal for quite a bit longer. Give us clues to the strangeness a bit at a time.

Either way though, this is all for the director and you to figure out. As it stands, the story does well enough on its own. It would be very easy to make. Good luck with it.
Posted by: Warren, June 18th, 2016, 7:11pm; Reply: 10
Thanks for the read, Dustin.

I did toss up about what tone I wanted the day to set, and I ran with overcast.

Good idea about using the strangers back yard, but  I like how brazen it is to take the crime out into the puplic. This also seems less possible on a beautiful, sunny day as that is usually when parks are full of kids.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, June 18th, 2016, 8:05pm; Reply: 11
Why are all serial killers and pedophiles most of the time overweight, balding and presumably white? It has sort of become cliche'.

Other than that, good job.
Posted by: Warren, June 18th, 2016, 9:18pm; Reply: 12
So true Angry Bear, and I played right into it. I thought about swapping the characters but decided to go with the cliche'. I guess some just feel right.
Posted by: Wes, June 18th, 2016, 9:43pm; Reply: 13
I do feel like this takes place in a public park.
And I'm mislead by the Log line. I eventually do figure out it's not Dad pushing his daughter but a pedophile pushing his victim. In Public. Which I have to doubt a pedophile would do.

On the other hand . . .
It is cleanly written. And disturbing. And the formatting is precise.
But it's only formatting of one page. Don't be surprised if, as your pieces get longer, it becomes harder to pass the formatting test around here. Be aware that formatting demands are different depending on which side of the pond the Critic is on. Just a hint.

So, as a germinal idea, it's a great seed. How about leaving your pedophile just as the cliche he is. Fat and balding. I can imagine an actor like John Candy (Yes, I know he's comedy. but imagine him) playing the part.

Now that I think about it. Your log line may have been right on. Anything else would have revealed too much before we read the single page.

I'm considered new here too. I vacillate from lurking to participating and back. Trying to be a good member.
Posted by: Warren, June 19th, 2016, 12:20am; Reply: 14
Thanks for the read, Wes.

Glad you seemed to like it. I will have a slightly longer short on SS soon. I have taken into account the tips I received from members of SS about formatting so we will see if the next script reads well.
Posted by: BenL (Guest), June 19th, 2016, 8:47am; Reply: 15
The setting is great, visually stunning.

Other than that: clean writing, proper formatting (not really sure about the newspaper insert thing tho as I don't use this kind of stuff), well done for a one page short script. But like the others already said there should be a bit more depth to the story.
Posted by: eldave1, June 19th, 2016, 1:10pm; Reply: 16
I loved the writing - very descriptive. I saw everything you wanted me to see.
Posted by: Warren, June 19th, 2016, 8:36pm; Reply: 17
Thanks, Ben and eldave for the read and favourable comments. Very much appreciated.
Posted by: Warren, June 25th, 2016, 9:10am; Reply: 18
I am very excited to announce that Lullaby was picked up by Sinister Films two days after being submitted to Simply Scripts.

Casting will start next week, with filming anticipated to start mid to late July.

This is a great crew, and I look forward to seeing this project come to life. I know it is in good hands.

I have added a link to Insomniac, Sinister Films first project, and Pig Man, their most recent.
Insomniac is another SS script, written by David M Troop.

Insomniac by Sinister Films

Pig Man by Sinister Films
Posted by: MarkItZero, June 25th, 2016, 12:10pm; Reply: 19
Nice Warren, us SS newbies gotta represent! Lol. Look forward to seeing this filmed. Don't think I know David but if he's a regular here I'll check out Insomniac too.  
Posted by: eldave1, June 25th, 2016, 12:22pm; Reply: 20
Very nice, Warren - congrats!
Posted by: Dustin, June 25th, 2016, 12:25pm; Reply: 21
Well done and good luck.
Posted by: Warren, June 25th, 2016, 7:15pm; Reply: 22
Thank you.

Very exciting times ahead, that's for sure.
Posted by: Warren, July 22nd, 2016, 7:30pm; Reply: 23
Sorry for the bump, but as this is my first script to ever be produced, I just had to share.

Casting is done! I'm very happy with the look of the actors. Kaylee looks slightly older than I imagined in the script but it will still work well.

Filming will start very soon.

Lullaby will also be filmed under it's original name, Hush. I initially decided against Hush because there is a movie that came out this year with the same name. After talking it over we decided Hush just fit better and the two pieces really have nothing to do with each other.

Very exciting.
Posted by: eldave1, July 22nd, 2016, 7:40pm; Reply: 24
Very cool
Posted by: Warren, September 6th, 2016, 10:36pm; Reply: 25
Hush (Lullaby) has been filmed:)

That's two filmed in less than a month, good times!!

Thanks SS, I've only been a member for three and a bit months.
Posted by: StevenClark, September 6th, 2016, 11:04pm; Reply: 26
Nice job, Warren. Keep em simple, keep em good! Congrats!
Posted by: Warren, September 13th, 2016, 8:34am; Reply: 27
Some unedited frames from Hush (Lullaby), filmed a week and a half ago.

 photo received_1287845174589733_1_zpsfetokjy9.jpg

 photo received_1287845214589729_1_zpsqwlfqtxu.jpg

 photo received_1287845151256402_1_zpspxc5uirt.jpg
Posted by: LC, September 13th, 2016, 10:38am; Reply: 28
Looks suitably gruesome and macabre.  :o  ;D

Posted by: Warren, September 22nd, 2016, 10:46pm; Reply: 29
Here is the teaser trailer for Hush. It looks amazing, even if I do say so myself:)
Posted by: BSaunders, September 23rd, 2016, 12:05am; Reply: 30
That's dark as fuck. Looks good!
Posted by: BenL (Guest), September 23rd, 2016, 10:08am; Reply: 31
Did they really shoot that in broad daylight? The script starts different (and better IMO).
Posted by: eldave1, September 23rd, 2016, 11:50am; Reply: 32
It looks real good!
Posted by: Grandma Bear, September 23rd, 2016, 12:41pm; Reply: 33
That looks great! Loved how they reversed the leaves and also the scary flash!  8)
Posted by: Nolan, September 23rd, 2016, 12:49pm; Reply: 34
Can't wait to see this.  It looks great!
Posted by: Warren, September 23rd, 2016, 6:50pm; Reply: 35
Thanks, all.

I can't wait to see the finished product.

The script is written as an overcast day. Have to remember this is low budget stuff, they would have had to shoot on the day they organised the actors and crew for. I imaging that sometimes you have to take what you are given. I think it looks great regardless although I would have preferred an overcast day, I'm definitely not losing any sleep over it.
Posted by: Don, September 23rd, 2016, 7:26pm; Reply: 36

I have this up in How do I get my film's link... and on the main blog.

Is there a FB page or website?  Let me know what I can do to help promote the film.

- Don
Posted by: Warren, September 23rd, 2016, 7:43pm; Reply: 37
Thank, Don.

I think that will be it for now until the short comes out. Once it's done will definitely get a link and banner put up.

Posted by: Warren, January 11th, 2018, 12:10am; Reply: 38
This was filmed over a year a go, the teaser is on SS, but seems like the finished film won't see the light of day.

But anyway... this just got optioned again.
Posted by: eldave1, January 11th, 2018, 1:55pm; Reply: 39

Quoted from Warren
This was filmed over a year a go, the teaser is on SS, but seems like the finished film won't see the light of day.

But anyway... this just got optioned again.

On to round two!
Posted by: Warren, March 10th, 2018, 4:53am; Reply: 40
Strange development.

I have still have had no contact from the original filmmaker who shot this, made a teaser then vanished, however I was on my IMDb today because I was updating my website and a new film poster has appeared with a release date of 2018. Maybe the original film isn't dead in the water just yet.

 photo Hush_zpsb7aajh8v.jpg
Posted by: LC, March 10th, 2018, 8:53am; Reply: 41
Nice poster, Warren.

I had something like this happen when I thought it was dead in the water.  At that point I didn't want it to come to fruition and had no clue it had been produced. Their Option had run out and it was with someone else. Kinda screwed things up. With some producers you never can tell...

I hope yours is a good result.
Posted by: eldave1, March 10th, 2018, 1:42pm; Reply: 42

Quoted from Warren
Strange development.

I have still have had no contact from the original filmmaker who shot this, made a teaser then vanished, however I was on my IMDb today because I was updating my website and a new film poster has appeared with a release date of 2018. Maybe the original film isn't dead in the water just yet.

 photo Hush_zpsb7aajh8v.jpg

Hmm. How odd - I just posted a thread on one of mine (He Drives Them Crazy) that seems to have gone the same route. Can't figure why folks go through all that work.

I assume you retained all rights to your script - yes?
Posted by: Warren, March 10th, 2018, 6:12pm; Reply: 43
Hi Libby and Dave,

Makes no sense to me at all, but seems to be quite common.

I alway retain the rights so no issues there :)
Posted by: Don, July 18th, 2018, 12:13pm; Reply: 44
Posted by: eldave1, July 18th, 2018, 1:24pm; Reply: 45
Congrats on getting this done. mate - creepy!
Posted by: Grandma Bear, July 18th, 2018, 2:05pm; Reply: 46
Congrats! I think I like this version better than the first one even thought the first one was good too.  8)
Posted by: Warren, July 18th, 2018, 6:21pm; Reply: 47
Thanks for checking it out, Dave and Pia.
Posted by: eldave1, July 18th, 2018, 7:19pm; Reply: 48
My pleasure
Posted by: khamanna, July 18th, 2018, 8:02pm; Reply: 49
Aa, this is creepstertown. They did a very good job, congrats Warren.
Posted by: Warren, July 18th, 2018, 8:12pm; Reply: 50
Thanks Kham.
Posted by: Philostrate, July 19th, 2018, 7:52am; Reply: 51
Very creepy and well made. Congrats, Warren!
Posted by: Warren, July 19th, 2018, 6:26pm; Reply: 52
Thanks, David. Glad you liked it.
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 21st, 2018, 7:14pm; Reply: 53
Hi Warren.
This script is beautifully written with very vivid images.
I can see why it had been filmed.

It's very disturbing how many children come up missing.

Any plans for making this into a feature?
I think that would work out very well for you.

A big congrats to you,
Posted by: Warren, July 22nd, 2018, 3:19am; Reply: 54
Hi Cindy.

Thanks for taking a look.

I don't have any further plans for this, but you aren't the first person to suggest turning this into a bigger piece.

Something to think about.
Print page generated: August 13th, 2020, 6:27am