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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Catch You On The Flipside
Posted by: Don, June 25th, 2016, 11:01am
Catch You On The Flipside (Or: An Adventure In The Negative Dimension) by Luke Mepham  - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A battle between our world and an evil alternate Earth takes place in the apartment of a bickering brother and sister. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Warren, June 25th, 2016, 5:58pm; Reply: 1
I'm sorry but I got to page 5 and stopped.

As someone who gets criticised for over writing, even I can tell this is way, way, way over written. You say absolutely everything that happens.

Dialogue is on the nose in a big way.

Also lots of formatting issues.

There was no scene change when we hoped from one dimension to the next.

This is riddled with problems. You need to take another look at it.

From what I can tell,  there might be a good story here, just need to make it easier to read.
Posted by: RichardR, June 28th, 2016, 10:06am; Reply: 2
Luke,

Some notes.

this one needs some work.  I suggest you read a bunch of good scripts and then examine your own.  While your idea might hold water, the execution is lacking.  Think of it this way.  Everything your characters do and say must contribute to the story.  The opening doesn't seem to function along those lines.  Get to the meat of the scene quickly.  Don't throw in fluff to pad the story.  If it's about putting a picture on the wall, make it about that, not the water or the computer.  Look at all your scenes with the intent of cutting.  What can you get rid of, not what you might add.

Best
Richard
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