I'm sorry but I got to page 5 and stopped.
As someone who gets criticised for over writing, even I can tell this is way, way, way over written. You say absolutely everything that happens.
Dialogue is on the nose in a big way.
Also lots of formatting issues.
There was no scene change when we hoped from one dimension to the next.
This is riddled with problems. You need to take another look at it.
From what I can tell, there might be a good story here, just need to make it easier to read.