Hans and Greta - A Modernisation by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Horror - A woodcutter has second thoughts regarding the cannibalisation of his children. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brutal, just the way I like it.

Well written and a quick easy read.

You have one comma the wrong way round "and," should be ",and" I believe.

Other than that it works for me.

Well done.

Short and sweet, really liked it.

Well written as always and a nice, dark, twist on the tale... Grimm's would have liked it!

Anthony

Nice little short. My only suggestion would be to have just a tiny bit more conflict between the parents. Maybe show the dad struggling a little more with the decision he has already made. Like him feeling bad about having betrayed his wife, without giving the twist away.

If this makes any sense...I've had a few brews this evening. :D

Quoted from Warren Brutal, just the way I like it. Well written and a quick easy read. You have one comma the wrong way round "and," should be ",and" I believe. Other than that it works for me. Well done.

I believe you mean this line of action:

Code He moves to their locks and, careful not to make any noise, removes them.

The commas are correct as they encase a separate idea from the main. There are a few members here that are better at putting this stuff into words than I am. I left school too young. I know why it's there and understand why it's there, but I don't know how to explain it.

The sentence actually reads... He moves to their locks and removes them. The information regarding the noise is extra, so the first comma must come after the 'and' to signify this. I'm finding it difficult to think of an occasion where a comma could ever come before an 'and' as both can signify the same thing.

Anyway, it's a common mistake made by a lot of writers even at the professional level.

I have spotted one irritation though, on page four I have used the word 'notices' twice in the same action block. That's pretty lazy. I'll have to sort that one out.

Thanks for the read and posting your thoughts, much appreciated.

Sorry that was my bad, that is the way I would have written it. I read it incorrectly.

Oxford comma always comes before an and.

Quoted from Warren Oxford comma always comes before an and.

At the end of a list... and then should only be used when things would be confusing otherwise. If you were to put a comma before the and in the sentence in question here, it wouldn't be an Oxford comma it would be an incorrect comma.

Agreed:)

Brutal to say the least.  Great job with this one.

The only issue I have this this one and perhaps you can add some clarity is why the children returned to begin with.  I would have imagined they would have returned with a mob or perhaps the ax scene happened soon after they left that the children heard it but it was the next morning.  Other than that, nice read.

-Johnny

Liked this one a lot. Imaginative and dark(er) take on an old story. The writing is great and your style works amazing... like when the door cracks open and then Hans is right there about to kick her in. That pithy style reads fast and intense. But it caused a little hiccup for me towards the end because there's no description of the children or father's reaction to what's happening.

I was confused as to the motive of their return to the house. Was it out of loyalty/love for the mother? Or did they return with the intent of killing her and chickened out at the last moment?

Maybe just one line as the father dies describing a betrayed/horrified look on his face, or a disappointed look depending on the actual motive, would help. Not trying to mess with your style... but one extra line to avoid any possible confusion might be worth it.

Poor old dad gets eaten again…

Grim and to the point.  There’d be more poetic justice in Dortchen being the one butchered by them, but I’d hazard a guess you’re avoiding that ending for that reason.  No loyalties here, Wilhelm suffers for his compassion, end of.

The logic of why the kids came back when they’d run the risk of ending up next on the plate doesn’t work for me but it’s a horror; not one to dwell on too deeply.  It’s in your face bloody and doesn’t ask much in return.  

Lost me with the ‘modernisation’ in the title.  I think I’m missing the intent.  More like an alternate take on the folk tale.  A very different take.

Steve.

Solid stuff. Really well written.
I did question why Hans came back. And where's Gretta? Did I miss that?

Anyway, congratulations. Very nice.

Quoted from stevemiles Poor old dad gets eaten again… Grim and to the point.  There’d be more poetic justice in Dortchen being the one butchered by them, but I’d hazard a guess you’re avoiding that ending for that reason.  No loyalties here, Wilhelm suffers for his compassion, end of. The logic of why the kids came back when they’d run the risk of ending up next on the plate doesn’t work for me but it’s a horror; not one to dwell on too deeply.  It’s in your face bloody and doesn’t ask much in return.   Lost me with the ‘modernisation’ in the title.  I think I’m missing the intent.  More like an alternate take on the folk tale.  A very different take. Steve.

Agreed.

You have some dark stories, Dustin! Nothing like a good munch on a parent  :K)

Quite contained so may appeal to a film maker

All the best

Hi Dustin,

Good job. To be honest, I had enjoyed "Christmas in Leningrad" a little more, but this one has a dark humor to it, which I liked.

Regarding the reason the kids returned to the house, well, the smell of cooking meat might have attracted them. Perhaps you could show them sniffing the air or something.

Manolis

Quoted from Warren Agreed:)

I do it myself. It's one of those commas that I can get wrong and often spot on subsequent edits. My posts on the boards are the worst. I'm just so lazy sometimes. I can sit staring at something I know I should edit, but I leave it. However, I like my formal writing to be as close to perfect as it can get. A misplaced comma stings a little, but using the same word twice in one action block or, worse, one sentence, is really cringe worthy.

Thanks all for the reads.

I did two drafts on this and forgot that I wanted to add more. I wanted to add more conflict and also explain why the children came back. Athenian hit the proverbial nail when he mentioned that they perhaps came back because they were hungry. Which is exactly what I had in mind to write. I envisioned a cold night in the woods, they walking in circles and then the smell of food drawing them home. I wanted to also include some type of breadcrumb reference as a further nod to the original tale.

I did originally have Dortchen being kicked into the fire but it didn't really fit the story properly. Plus it's what the viewer will expect so should make for a nice little twist when it doesn't happen.

I agree on the clarity early on, I need to clean that up and perhaps another scene to explain why the children return alone.

Cheers.

This was weird. I like it.

P.S. The guy who plays Gianni in your short Evicted is a sterling actor.

Dustin, if I had a cap on I'd doth it to you, cracking work. Twisted, brutal, and a nice re-working of the old tale. No real criticisms or points to add, just keep it the way it is so far as I'm concerned.

Actually, one thought, does anyone own the rights to the original story? Hopefully not, still everything appears to be owned nowadays...

Well written! A couple of points: Why only Hans is mentioned as a returnee? Maybe, the script needs more interaction between Hans and his dying father....just one or two lines. A solid horror story.
I think it will be produced.
My best,
Fausto

The story is written well. I didn't understand why the kids returned. Another awkward detail at the end: so they see their dad is in a pool of blood, and they just sit down to eat dinner? A natural reaction would be screaming, being in shock, and so on.