Either Side of Limbo by Micky McMystery - Short, Drama, Cheap-to-Film - When an injured businessman jumps in a taxi with an misanthropic driver, he soon finds he has to solve a mystery in order to escape.  - pdf, format 8)

I considered writing something similar to this... like the final cab ride to ==insert afterlife destination here ==

This one got boring pretty quick and I started skipping the dialogue around the mid point.

I do like the premise... but it needs more work to work, IMO.

A pass.

Picked this at random to be my first read.

Great premise but I think the writer was torn between making it serious or as a dark comedy. At the moment it hovers in between so doesn't quite gel. The dialogue did start to run together later (it was pretty good before that) and like Dustin, I found myself skimming which isnt a good sign in a short.

Pass but with a rewrite could be a consider

Liked this but it felt too long and there's too much dialogue. and of course the setup reminded me of Scrooged... decent effort though

I liked this quite a bit. Right now it is a consider/recommend for me. Yes, I know it is a bit derivative of Scrooged - but it is originally derivative (hmmm - I think I just made a term up). A taxi driver for Limbo - I love the concept.

There were two hiccups for me. One was - while I think it's fine for Doug to have a macabre sense of humor - I don't like that the original joke (Doug-less) came from Lance - it broke the emotional tension for me. The other one was the Doctor's line - ("good job team..."). It was unnatural and a throw away for me.

Anyway - I liked this - solid effort IMO.

A story that is perhaps a little too familiar. And, it needs an edit for your central theme/message to be more effecting and powerful. Just as that drive went round around for your main character I feel watching it might be a little repetitive too. I need to feel more more empathy for the main character and be 'dying' :) to know what's going on. As is, both characters come across as whiny and that's not getting me on side. Met the challenge sufficiently.

One of my favorites right here.
I adored Doug. What a character.
It held my attention till the end.
Not sure about the doctor's line. It doesn't actually seem to fit. I think it would be better without it.

Very nice.
Congrats,
Cindy

Not bad at all, I might know who wrote this. Seems like a regular. A bit long at times, could cut a lot of fluff, which is weird as it seems as if you struggled to keep it under 10 pages. Comedy was a bit misplaced at times, as was the backstory for both characters. Didn't work as well as it should have, I'd rethink the exposition and how you want to reveal it. Ending was a bit muddled, I understood the redemption behind Doug, but again, it felt rushed and just didn't come together as well as it should. For a week's effort, it's good, but could do well with a rewrite.

Writer,

Decent story here. I like the fact that Lance has the potential to alter his actions by deciding where to go, and he makes the right decision. This needs a major rewrite, though. I think as an OWC it misses the mark -- I feel this could be more morbid, more tense and more like "the clock is ticking, Lance. Make your decision!" You could scrap a page off of this and really tighten it up. It's got a cool tongue-in-cheek vibe, and I like that Doug stays but Lance leaves. A lot of potential here! I'd definitely work on this when the OWC is finished. Good job!

Steve

I can see where this is going, and of course, I may not be correct, but the style or writing on display here causes me to jump out as quickly as I can.

The "witty" asides and commentary just read so poorly.  I honestly don't get why peeps continue to attempt this.

Having a mistake in your logline starts me off with a bad taste in my mouth, as well.

No grade.

I really loved this one! It got my attention very quickly, unlike some others I have read which took a long while to get interesting. I couldn't believe when i read the first few reviews here and how negative they were, this is one of my favorites, at least so far. My favorite dramatic one so far for sure.

Doug was a vert interesting character, and I really hope this gets filmed so I can see how the actor cast as Doug would play him. The only issue I had, which is really something minor I think, is the little joke coming from Lance. I would prefer him to stay serious throughout the whole thing.

Some notes.

I liked this one because of the premise.  Instead of a ferry, you have a taxi.  I sort wish Doug had insisted on the two coins needed to cross the river.  

A bit episodic in my mind.  Do we need all of memory lane?  In any case, this was a strong effort.

Best
Richard

Wow just wow. I loved it. It had its flaw (which script written in this time frame doesn't) but, God, was it an enjoyable read.

Loved Doug character, but it bothered me that he overshadowed Lance. You can't have all your characters witty and smart, but I wish you gave Lance his own virtues to survive the competition with Doug.

I also wished the sense of urgency was introduced earlier in the story. Because, it felt like nothing could go wrong in this story. I know it's a drama not a thriller but still. Some suspense couldn't have hurt the story.

I didn't understand how driver freed himself in the end. Maybe you wrote it so we can only guess, which is not such a bad thing for an ending.

Well done!

Well done. I really enjoyed this one. Yes, there are some familiar things going on here but Doug is a great character. Dialogue is okay.

Nice work.

A good read but a bit long winded through the middle. I started skimming through but had to see where it was going. Nice work, perhaps a page or two less and it could be an enjoyable read.

I liked the concept but it stops there for me.

This is pretty much 8 pages of dialogue. That is not going to be visually stimulating in any way.

Pretty good tale. Doug put me in mind of that Psychopomp from 'Scrooged'... the first Christmas ghost that is, and, the Wandering Jew (minus all the melancholy).

However, a Psychopomp needs more to make them entertaining. Doug (and his cab) would be awesome as a Rastafarian hotbox IMO...

Also, I think it would have been cool if Doug asked for payment up front, and when Lance reaches into his pocket, he pulls out a single coin, indicative of payment for the Underworld Lorry but... one coin just doesn't cut it, it's always two. That way, you can forecast a surprise ending... just to keep the reader engaged.

All just opinion of course, decent script.

I thought this was pretty decent.  Did anyone else read the cabbie with that one dude from Futurama like I did, you know the one slob of a guy who pops up every so often (no, not scruffy, who was awesome), he was kinda fat, stubble on his face and crude.

For some reason, that character reminded me of this one...

I thought it was interesting.   Yes, it isn't visual, but, you can work that in better and tighten it up a lot.  

As a first draft, pretty good.  Take off the 10 page limit and you could have something here.  It's kinda similar to a story that I wrote years ago (not a screenplay), but, it's a pretty solid idea, so, I'm not shocked that you had this idea...

I hope you work on it once it's done...

7.0/10
Dan

Seems like there’s always a limbo/purgatory themed script or two in these challenges.  Fairly standard stuff; one character not realising he’s dead, another, resigned to the whole thing having to explain the rules etc.  That said, I thought you brought this around nicely with the ending, not one but two characters gaining their redemption -- either side of limbo, yeah, see what you did there.  

Lance’s reasoning for going back didn’t hit the right note for me -- if anything it made me feel less sympathy for him.  Maybe something to think about if you decide to rewrite.  Could do with more to cue the jumps between locales for a little more impact/excitement.

Nice idea, a little slow but could be simple to film.

Nice idea, even though it is familiar and not just because of Scrooged. I wrote a similar themed script for the elevator OWC and my film No More Tomorrows hints that the character may be in purgatory. Not saying you stole ideas of course, I just think it's a very common theme and for good reason as you can experiment a lot with it. It also suggests I may have a very unhealthy fascination with death!

Doug is an interesting character, if you develop this further I'd concentrate on him more as he's the shining piece here. Lance isn't so good and his off-the-cuff joke seems out of place, like you put that in just so Doug would connect with him a bit more. Just make it seem more natural and it will work fine.

It's tough to mix serious tones with comedy. Here you start off quite well but then the balance doesn't quite work further on. There's a lot of dialogue for a short and this comes from a guy who champions good dialogue. There should be more visuals, more stops and less talky talky.

The story mechanics contradict themselves. One minute you set a rule which seems to imply Lance's journey is out of his control, his stops are a random selection of important memories and moments of his life. I liked this. You enforce this by stating he can't go back when he misses a stop but then change it when he chooses to go to hospital and Doug complies, when he earlier suggested none of this was possible. I don't like changing rules just for writers to write themselves out of a corner.

The ending I don't like. I didn't like Lance so him getting a second chance felt flat for me. I realise it is tough to represent a full character's transformation from douchebag to likable in 10 pages with one week to write it, so I totally get this.

I did like Doug so I did enjoy him finding his peace. The reason was a bit poor though. Him just helping someone seemed too easy and something most people would do naturally and not require a long stint in limbo to realise this.

The VO was overkill for me. You don't need to remind us what Doug said only a few minutes ago. It's like putting up a huge sign next to Doug's head which says, "HE'S BEING LET OUT OF LIMBO COZ HE FINALLY HELPED SOMEONE AND FEELS GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF, HE'S CHANGED FOR THE BETTER - DO YOU GET IT?" Yes, we got it!  

Apart for those minor gripes this is a good effort that just needs some work. It also meets the criteria of the OWC so well done for entering and writing an entertaining script.

-Mark

Hey,
I like the idea here.

Its not the first time I see a script like this. The most memorable is Black Rose Garden by Matias Caruso. Oh its a beatiful screenplay, a must read!

I think the most important thing here is try to avoid pn the nose conversation. In your case I think its the way your characters told each others their stories should be rewritten I think.

Nice work taking the effort to try and build some unique, fully realized characters... but I don't think you quite got there. Lance is too bland. Doug is more interesting but you've gotta be more subtle in certain places...

DOUG
Look, I don’t help anybody, don't
like anybody, or care for anybody.

Lines like that don't read well. I'll give you an example of something that probably wouldn't work for this story but would work in general... let's say Doug is eating food in the car and Lance is completely freaking out and Doug just says "Can't you see I'm eating?". This line basically says everything you had before without actually saying it. And it's funnier. You've gotta find something like that.

Overall, just tighten the dialogue. I think there's a lot of places where you can drop some of the dialogue and show rather than tell. It will make for a much smoother read.

Really good work writer.

The premise is great, and the interactions between the two were entertaining and kept the pace ticking along nicely. There's a lot of dialogue there but it never felt like it was dragging, which is well done.

My only thoughts on revision is that you could have just written a script on the original reveal, with the twist of him being dead and driven to the afterlife. This is way more stripped back of course, and may work better for a short, but tbh I wouldn't change it. Really nice work.

A consider

Cam

This started strong and lost a lot of steam around he middle, for me. Once there's less black comedy and more straight dialogue, I wasn't finding as much to enjoy.

The end feels strong and complete, but it was a bit lacklustre for me after the long sections of talk. I wonder if there's a way to make more of this stuff visual and action-based without pushing up the budget.

Missing some spark, for me, but I'm not sure exactly what to suggest. A well-designed happy ending, though.

Things I liked:
Doug's gruff manner
Doug's moving on after helping Lance.

Things to consider:
The introduction felt overwritten. I think the story could start with INT. DOUG'S CAB - NIGHT.
Lance was bipolar in his reactions. Astute observations mixed in with thoughtless comments, joking -- kind of hard to identify with.
The doctor didn't need to say anything. Let the visual speak for itself.
The fact that Doug was helping Lance wasn't apparent to me until the ending VO.

In the beginning when you go from outside to inside the taxi should have been an INT. slug instead of how you have it.  Some of the word choices in the dialogue weren't good (like "whilst').  The story is good enough and could be kept in a low budget and he was trapped technically, so you met the challenge.  I just feel like it was overwritten and with some of the strange wordings, just not quite there yet.  With a rewrite, could be a good little film.  This is just my humble opinion though.  Can give more notes if needed.  Good luck with it.

I enjoyed it.

Great interaction between Doug and Lance really played off each other... not the most creative premise but it works for this OWC.

Great Job on entering

I like how this turned into a race against the clock, but resolving after it was established took away from an opportunity to explore some tension. Great characters, specifically Doug's dialogue speculating nobody cares - he could possibly still be rotting - kind of jokingly but very telling nonetheless. Sort of reminded me of Beetlejuice comedic/dark vibes - being dead sucks but the rules imply it's not the worse thing either. Good job, I dig it.

There are a few missing words, asides, and the odd unfilmable. But the story makes up for it.

Rec. A-