All The Fives - OWC - Print Topic

Nice logline.

Tone instantly set. This is a more experienced writer. The action feels more real, the setting more concrete than others I've read.

Page 3...nice plot point. Good reveal.

Hmmmm. This was great...until the point it wasn't. I was really involved in it. Loved when Ned put the handcuffs on him...but then the story kind of fizzled out for me.

I seem to be saying the same thing on almost all these scripts, but it's because it lacks dramatic irony. A regular guy gets what may be a slice of luck, but then it isn't. There's no real lesson, theme or real point.

If it was a story about a guy who never gets a break, it might be more rounded.

You've got a lovely set up for a nice crime caper involving a gang and the Police, but then I suppose the pages and time just ran out. The ending made it forgettable.

Unfortunate because it was written with aplomb.

Good effort here for the most part. Again - I'm not sure about the trapped part of the contest parameters.

The phone call dialogue to the police was way to OTN/Expositional - made it seemed unnnatural.

Really liked the twist.

Overall a solid effort

Now that's good work, best so far for me.

A lot of these will be fairly standard, revolving around a person getting stuck in a taxi with a nut job. This had a twist, and with the roll reversal in the victim it really worked for me.

Well done

Cam

While nobdy is really trapped or stuck, overall it was a good effort. The twist about the reveal that Ned was an undercover cop does not work however. Aside from the news reports
("During a police shootout,robbers opened fire on one of their own") which suggests the cop's cover was blown or he was part of the bust and IDd himself as a cop at that time- and he was shot,-

Well, let's put it this way. Why have the new report at all? Mitch is in the genral area of where this incident happened, yet, aside from the news, he's clueless about it. Second, why didn't Ned just simply say he was shot and that he was a cop?

Writer,

Good writing here. Almost too good as you hit us with little details that serve only to make your action blocks run a bit More than they should. There were spots here where I wasn't sure if the cab was in motion or not so I just assumed. I like the story but I don't get a sense if Mitch is having any sort of moral issue with what he's doing. What I mean is, I feel Mitch needs to have some sort of redeeming quality to make us root for him just a little, then take it away so we feel that, okay, we like Mitch a little, but I guess he got what he deserved. A bit more time on this and I think that can be accomplished. Good work though!

Steve

Lots of twists me turns.

Good use of the car although not trapped too much

Quite liked the end with the colour

Consider

Nice little story.

A consider.

No one seems to be trapped in this and not sure why he's getting a cab at all if his cover has been blown (robbers opened fire on one of their own)... wouldn't he just wait for his cop mates?

Anyway, this is well written in the main and moves along well... until the end when it seemed to peter out.

Decent effort though

The radio and cell phone O.S should be V.O, off screen implies they are in the scene but not on the screen, there is a distance difference from V.0.

Lots of unfilmables and asides, way too many in my opinion, this is an example, “silently walking the line between outrage and duty” and “a fare’s a fare”.

It’s over written in parts, mainly due to the unfilmables.

As far as the story goes, it was okay, nothing spectacular. I didn’t see the twist coming.

Brisk writing. You know how to tell a story without a lot of fooling around. I agree with previous comment about the phone call from cops; maybe trim it some. Also, why didn't Ned ID himself early on? Maybe too out of it, I guess. Great ending.

Thumbs up.

Henry

Bit anticlamactic, kinda faded off for me in the end. Solid start and solid writing, and I loved the nod to Weekend At Bernie's, even though he wasn't - the visual gave me a chuckle. Pretty good, just something missing for me... I should correct that to mean I predicted the pop at the end.

My final read and I really enjoyed this. Older and no wiser than his photo! Good stuff. I don't know if Ned needed to be an undercover cop - the Phelps V.O. is pretty bad - he could just be a lone robber who got away with (what he thinks is) the loot. Would they use a dye pack on dummy bundles, I thought that was to render the cash useless?

No complaints on the writing, this is a strong CONSIDER and if it's worked on could become RECOMMEND

Well...we've got one of those fine lines here.  Obviously a talented writer, but a writer that's trying too hard to be cool, which makes for both overwriting and irritating writing (at times).  You can say what you need to in so many less lines and pages.

As I said...a fine line and as this goes on, that line is crossed for me, and I'm left not really caring.  Maybe it's the tone the writer is throwing here - which takes talent - but also can work against the goal.

At the end of the day, I'm left scratching my head, as this is a lost opportunity, IMO.  As is, it feels rather lifeless - all style, but not a style that works here.

Grade B-

Some notes

This is a nice turnaround. Greed leads to more problems than Mitch can handle. Two items. I don't see why ned would run with the money. No need, and it's not real money. Leave it and head for the hospital. Two, I find no reason for Ned not to identify himself as a cop. He can certainly expect better treatment if he tells the hack he's the police. Unless you can rig Mitch for a getaway car, I don't buy Ned's behavior.

Best
Richard

Pretty good one this one though it gets a bit muddled towards the end, like the writer was hurrying to fit it all together.

Rec for this one but needs a decent tweak

I liked how it started, you didn't feel the need to have Mitch talk to himself when alone at the beginning, so that felt natural.

Would the driver of a taxi offer water to his passengers? I've only taken one once, so I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem realistic to me at least.

I don't see why Mitch didn't just call the police on page 4, he hasn't done anything wrong at that point.

The end was confusing and I agree with another review that it fizzled.

A good read. Somewhat 'Sin City'-ish in the vibe. I can visualize the dye-pack going off from an ext. view. Aside from already noted details, good work.

One of the more constructed ones. Not sure if it'd be worth watching. For sure a thrilling scenario with twist – there's just the question Why since there's no connection to characters or theme. Writing impresses - story reads as an arbitrary cut out sequence from a feature film.

Had to do a double read to find out what actually happened but, I like the idea here.

Not sure you would need an undercover cop to infiltrate a criminal syndicate that gets foiled by those exploding ink packs... pretty sure they would have fucked it up on their first heist.

Still, I liked it. Someone will find Mitch eventually and, it looks like he has some serious explaining to do... Shiitake Dermatitis Syndrome, maybe?

Good work.

Pretty much agree with everyone else.  It starts off interesting, then got boring, real fast.

I'm not sure how you can make it interesting.

Here's a big problem.  Tons of stories (mostly horror) fall apart if you know the ending because how the characters act at the beginning don't make sense, especially if they are the killers or involved in it.  That's what Scream did so well in using that fact.

This story suffers from that same issue.  SPOILERS

Since Ned's a cop, why would he do any of that?  And he manages to stay alive just long enough to put the cuffs on him, then he dies.  Very story-like convenient...

Also, no one was trapped in the cab, so, kinda failed the exercise...

Still, it was solid for most of it.

5/10  Big points off for not having anyone trapped/stuck in a cab + why wouldn't Ted just say he's a cop + the story really slowed down in an unbelievable way.

Dan

Im thinking the plot us good but its no one's personal story. And this way its just bare facts about something that took place for me.

I just wish the story touched me in some way and make me care. I dont know whose story it is - mitch or Ned's?

Also its careless to leave a message like that about them being an undercover. That part was hard to buy for me.

Good premise though.

I enjoyed this one, nice twist at the end, obviously the cop could have ID himself early but it's easy to say that now... we can find loopholes in most of the scripts.

The writing was great and I liked how Mitch's own greed got the best of him

Good job on entering

Writing's good. Structure's good, but so effective that you figure the twists before they come. The plot's so strong that that doesn't necessarily matter, though.

Except that there's no payoff! Loved the situation -- didn't like where it went. What's the point? This almost felt like the first pages of a low-budget thriller, and if they were, I'd keep reading. Good stuff, needs an ending.

Well written. It's a smooth read.
End is a bit of a let down.

Some good writing talent on display here, the story just needs some work.

There were points when I got confused who was Mitch and who was Ned as they sound the same. I'd suggest working on giving them both unique characteristics and speaking styles.

I don't think you need the police radio at the beginning. At the point Ned jumps in the cab, everyone reading knows it is a bank robber thanks to the radio blaring it out but Mitch doesn't until way after, so it's no surprise when he finally clicks. In fact it is quite frustrating. The sirens and other more subtle aspects of the story could provide the subtext and the reveal could be a nice suprise for us all to enjoy.

The ending I loved at first until I thought about it. If he was a cop who was injured and had a phone, why didn't he identify himself as such to the authorities and get taken care of properly? The conversation with his superior on the phone sounds like painful exposition.

The false notes and dye exploding are a great way to end this so I'd suggest either coming up with a more plausible explanation as to why the cop is in the car and still undercover, or simply have him as one of the robbers.

I don't understand some comments which state no-one was trapped in the taxi. Mitch is trapped in the taxi in handcuffs. OK it's not for the majority of the story but it's there at least, unlike quite a few scripts in this owc!

A decent effort which screams for a re-write to make this one a good candidate for producing.

-Mark

i'm sure i'm dumb, but i don't know what a "holdall" is. i looked it up.  what i figured.  never heard that Brit slang.

Not sure where this takes place, but the Brit slang paired with a Steelers hat kinda confuses me.

So far, so good beyond that.

i didn't really enjoy the dialogue style too much, but i did like the twist.

Pretty solid in the end.  Might be one of my 3.   We'll see.

The writing is very good. I was completely sucked in at the beginning and hanging on every word... for awhile... then the characters never fully materialized.

I think I get what you were going for with Mitch. He's a miserable, jaded man stuck on autopilot and so beaten down by life he's practically devoid of human emotion at this point. But it's all in the descriptions, some of which won't even be filmable.

Code

MITCH, late 30s, a little older, no wiser and a heap more jaded than his photo.

Code

watching his passenger with barely concealed contempt.

Code

Mitch eyes it, restless. Going through the motions.

I get all that. But a lot of his actions and words convey the opposite. He notices Ned is uncomfortable and rolls down the window for him. The Mitch I read in the descriptions wouldn't give two shits about his comfort, he might even take pleasure in another persons misery.

Then he offers water. Then he makes a little joke about how there's "more water for Mitch" when Ned refuses. He seems like a normal, friendly cab driver rather than someone so miserable and desperate he'd let another man die so he could start a new life.

Ned I know even less about. He's basically a complete mystery till the radio thing. Next moment, Mitch is leaving him to die... doesn't even struggle with the decision... has zero doubts about it apparently.

Again, the writing is quite good which is a shame cuz there's just not a lot of tension by the end.

A bit overwritten in places and a few mistakes, but I liked it. If some of the writing is tightened, it will give you a chance to enhance the story a bit. Not sure if "UP FRONT" needs to be added to the slugs. I know you're trying to make it the drivers POV, but think it shouldn't be in the slug. I like the fact that your "trapped" element is him trapped at the end. To me, it met the challenge requirements and pretty good. I liked it.

Probably some of the best writing I've read from this challenge. And a nice twisty-turny plot. I think it might need a little more character work around Mitch. Who is he? Why does he make the decision he does? What does it mean to him? Without knowing that stuff the ending, though appropriate and clever, just didn't hit as hard as it could. That's the last piece missing for me in this one. Get me to care what happens to Mitch.

All else considered though, pretty well done.

At first I thought Ned might be a dirty cop but that didn't make sense once I realized he would know the bag was a set up. So much for my theory. I didn't like the radio exposition but I did the phone call. The pop at the end was pretty good. The script was not a fast read as I scoured each page for clues. I thought the handcuffs slapped on Mitch qualified as trapped. Solid but flawed entry.

Pretty solid B+ from me.

Consider.

Great writing here, interesting story, but logic flies out the window once Ned reveals himself.  I do like the undercover cop angle, but maybe he has a throat wound and can't speak.  the story would work better for me if Ned shuts up
His reveal as an undercover cop at the end would be good enough, so I think.

Ned and Mitch's speech pattern is similar.
Not sure if Ned is supposed to be a dirty cop, but of course, he would know about the dye-pack. But if he's dirty, he wouldn't be feeding back accurate info. to his PD.

As for Mitch, I like his character but take it further. I see him as a down-and-out type, a guy always making low-stakes bets. Maybe we see him scratching Lottery tickets in the beginning.
Focus the story on this cabbie who never gets a break in life. Until the day he picks up a rider who has a ton of stolen loot.
Make it a moral story, so Mitch is conflicted with doing the right thing, or seizing an opportunity. He might even confer with a confidant, somebody who tells him that he's entitled to the money. And then he gets in way over his head.

This story could be expanded.  It has potential to be a feature.  The turning point could be that he lets an undercover cop die.  But before he gets a serious case of regrets, more dirty cops come looking for him.
Whatever you do, flesh out Mitch's character. I like him, but want to see his inner conflict. A good man tempted by $$.  Be aware that we would root for him more if it's not stolen bank loot, but cartel or mob money.

Again, excellent story-telling skills on display.  This story was rushed for the OWC, but I like your style. Good luck.

Thanks to all for the reads and comments. Bit of a rush job to get this down hence a sloppy approach to the logic and an OTN phone call for a reveal didn’t help. The first idea was to keep Ned as one of the bank robbers, but it made (albeit tenuous) sense for him to be an undercover cop to add a twist and most importantly bring in the handcuffs to trap Mitch.

Encouraged by some comments to take this further - kind of torn right now between broadening this into the start of something longer or reworking it as a short..? Maybe both... Thanks again for taking the time.

This was good. When you get a rewrite down, I'd like to read it. You did this good with a rush job, the rewrite should be really good with no "restrictions" on page count, etc. It was in my top six.

Thanks Jeremiah/Jeff - I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Steve, I like the use of street language...credible and smooth. However, the story, as the other commentators have said, it's not 100% convincing. Overall, a good script. Too cool?
My best,
Fausto

Thanks for the read Fausto - if I can return the favour point me towards a script.

This is a revised draft of an OWC from last year. The original had some logic issues as readers pointed out. I stripped back areas of exposition and gave the characters more motive to (hopefully) smooth out some of those issues. Whether or not it's a stronger script for it I don't know... Figured I'd repost to see what people make of it.

Happy to return reads, just let me know where or PM me.

Steve